Over identifying

[BanjoString]

Not sure where to post this. Is nominally about DD1 but is really about me. DD is 15 and recently came out as a lesbian and I’ve been surprised by my reaction. I know my issue isn’t with her being gay, what it is is that I have 2 DDs and DD1 is much more like me. I know I’ve over-identified with her because of this and have over the years on occasion I have stepped in and helped her with things that I know I would have found hard as a kid before she has even asked for help.

Until spring last year she didn’t seem to be much different in general demeanour to to the kid she was aged 12, 10 etc. However, over the past few months since she turned 15 her attitude towards a lot of things seemed to have changed - basically teenager separatism kicked in. I’ve been a bit distracted this year as my DM died about 12 months ago and there were a lot of confusing emotions there as we didn’t get on and I think that has also made me hyper sensitive to feelings of distance with my own DD. I know teenagers need time and space to find their own identity and the relationship that is built at the other side of that need to be one of two adults, not parent and child. However, I’m really struggling with the combination of memory of my relationship with my mum which essentially broke and never returned once I became a teenager and the fact that I really felt bonded to DD1 because she seemed to similar to me. Part of this is that I am dwelling on the idea that if something so fundamental as her sexuality is different from mine then that’s something significant that I can’t identify with and perhaps our relationship may never be a close again. DD2 is very different from me in personality and I don’t have this “extension of me” feeling with her, I know I won’t have the same feelings if she is gay.

I’m not really sure what I asking. I think I am just looking for some practical advice on how not to be an emotional leech and some reassurance that you don’t completely lose your children after their teenage years like my DM lost me, even if your life paths are very different.

What way did you find it best to support your teenage children without centring yourself in their life?

I have two young adult daughters and I basically just try to be there, il suggest things to do together but I don't take offence if they say no. We send each other snap chats or funny memes as a way of keeping contact. I ask them bout their day drive them places if needed. If u are there unconditionally you won't lose her.

Hi OP.

I think your focus on her sexuality is a bit of a red herring, which perhaps you realise already from what you have said. Unless you expected to fancy her boyfriends (which seems unlikely!) then whether she dates a woman or a man is irrelevant. There is nothing remarkable about being gay that changes your personality, and gay relationships are no different to straight ones. So I would stop worrying about this aspect.

So I think you are right that the issue is how you allow her to develop more generally into her own person. Sounds like maybe you need to take a small step back and allow her to live her life (struggle with the things you think she may without being rescued, she may be totally fine). Be there for her of course, but allow her to live her own life.

I suspect you will still end up very close. In my experience where the personality of a parent and child is very similar, there are two possible outcomes. Very close, or very difficult relationships. The difficult ones generally happen where the parent thinks they know best, tells the child how to be and what they think, and don’t allow them independence and space to be themselves. I see it in my MIL and DW. I think as long as you avoid this you will be great 😊

Thanks for your replies. I think lock down hasn’t helped. I’ve been working from home got 2 years now and the blurring of work and home boundaries (plus menopause) has left me feeling emotionally a bit messy

I can reassure you that your relationship on the 'other side' can be just as close and even better, as your DC become young adults. You don't have to be alike in order to have a great relationship.

(In fact, as your other DD is so different to you, that should reassure you that you can also have a great relationship were her as well, assuming you weren't only expecting to be close to one of your children?)

I enjoy the differences between me and DCs. I like that they are so different in some ways. I like that they have become their own people, individuals with their own minds.

But we have lovely relationships.

@Shamoo

Hi OP.

I think your focus on her sexuality is a bit of a red herring, which perhaps you realise already from what you have said. Unless you expected to fancy her boyfriends (which seems unlikely!) then whether she dates a woman or a man is irrelevant. There is nothing remarkable about being gay that changes your personality, and gay relationships are no different to straight ones. So I would stop worrying about this aspect.

So I think you are right that the issue is how you allow her to develop more generally into her own person. Sounds like maybe you need to take a small step back and allow her to live her life (struggle with the things you think she may without being rescued, she may be totally fine). Be there for her of course, but allow her to live her own life.

I suspect you will still end up very close. In my experience where the personality of a parent and child is very similar, there are two possible outcomes. Very close, or very difficult relationships. The difficult ones generally happen where the parent thinks they know best, tells the child how to be and what they think, and don’t allow them independence and space to be themselves. I see it in my MIL and DW. I think as long as you avoid this you will be great 😊

This.

You sound very sensitive and emotionally responsible, OP. You are very conscientious and I think this pragmatism and just decency in you will carry you through very well. @Shamoo is right - the gender of her partner is ultimately not important. I suppose what you haven't touched on is the obvious deep-down questioning this will have raised in you: if you two are the same, are you gay too? Or, more refined - you will search yourself to see to what extent you've ever found women attractive, to try to work out where your daughter is coming from, and how she could have diverged from you in such a seemingly polar opposite way.

I'd say stop thinking about that. T is what it is. This is a good moment for you to stop thinking how and why, and get used to the new reality for you: she isn't you, and she will lead her own life.

The sooner you accept this and let her be separate, the quicker you'll find your own place in the adult relationship. And don't worry. It's ok. She's ok. You are too. There's zero reason to lose her. T try gunk about how your adult relationship will look and how you want it to be. Just let it evolve. You're on the right track. This is how it feels fit all of us - scary. But your daughter is still there.

(Oh and maybe even have an open chat with her - say you're v conscious of not stepping on her toes and telling her what to do - say you know it's your tendency and you're not going to do it and she must feel free to tell you if you're ever doing that! ...)

Omg sorry for all the typos. In particular, 'try to think' .... not 'gunk'!!

It’s a good point about my relationship with DD2 and personality differences. Thanks all, really helpful, xx

I also have two daughters and elder one is the same age as yours.
And I am finding it hard with her so obviously separating from me and the sweet little kid she used to be.
I also remember years of being distant from my mom that really only changed after I had my own kids.
So - who knows how it would be with our kids.

Sexuality is really a red herring here. Is general growing up, changing and finding independence.
In addition - half of the girls in DD’s year identify as alternative in some way - either lesbian or trans. Feels like a lot of it is still in flux and they are still exploring identities.

I think for me one of my fears is that I only had any sort of relationship with my DM after I had kids, I wouldn’t have had any with her after my DF died if it wasn’t for the kids. DD has expressly said she doesn’t want kids - I might well have said the same at 15 so who knows but it just triggers a fear in me due to my own backstory.

Frankly I’d be more worried if my 15yo was talking about having kids. That works would be more unusual.
I think, our relationship with our kids won’t necessarily be repeating the same pattern.
We aren’t necessarily our parents.

And also our kids these days seem to be growing up a lot more attached to us and hang around parents for longer than before.