I think my Dad's having an affair but I don't think I will tell my Mum

[upsetdaughterrr]

My parents are married, but unhappily so. They are both entangled and dependent on each other so neither will ever leave. They both tell me how unhappy they are all the time.

My Dad has always been weird around women. He makes weird friendships with women online and then meets up with them. He says they are just 'friends' but I ask why is it only ever women. It's always a similar type of woman, too.

Anyway. He befriended this woman recently online who lives in our town. At first it seemed normal as he would meet up with her and her husband (yep, she's married). But I know something was off as I could tell she was a similar type as his other 'friends'.

He was showing me something on his phone and a message popped up from her, I don't want to say exactly what it said because I'm trying to be vague in case I do ever speak to someone in real life about this, but the underlining message was implying that he loved her. I know my Dad and I'm pretty sure he is incapable of love so I don't it.

I don't know what to do. I feel like there's no point telling my DM as she won't do anything about it, and it will just add to her resentment of him. But I can't look at my Dad the same way, I'm so angry and disgusted. I'm his only daughter and I just feel he's let me down, I don't know I know that sounds weird but I feel really disappointed and ashamed.

I have kept something like this from my Mum before. When I was a teenager I found out that he had an online dating profile (stupidly listed with his full name and one of the first results on Google when you searched his name). I never told anyone.

What would you do?

Dont they deserve happiness? Maybe your poor mum should do the same thing if both of them refuse to split for whatever reason?
I think id tell my mum and tell her to get out of that miserable marriage. You only get one life

Your father and your mother are merely human, that's all. They have mutually decided to stay in a shit marriage, and that's an awful shame. If your father is cheating, obviously it's not appropriate, but demonising him is pointless. The fact is, you have no idea what your mother is up to, either. Your parents sound like two very unhappy people, both making poor choices. Stay out of their marriage and just try to have as positive relationship with both of them as possible. That's all you can do.

I just want to empathise with having known this sort of thing in your adolescence. I too became aware of my father's affair at 11 and I froze - I had neither the language or confidence to tell my mum then. She found out, a full year later but thankfully they divorced.

I wonder if you've ever talked to anyone about how the child 'you' felt. As I'm sure you're stuck in that place reliving that powerlessness. Whatever you do now, one of them will blame you for. If you have loyalties - to your mum it sounds like - I'd go with the best thing for her.

I personally would have to tell her, then leave her to do what she wants with that information.

I’m so sorry. What an awful position you’ve been put in.

I’m afraid I’d tell her too. Everyone deserves their right to personal agency. She deserves to make her choices based on the known facts. I wouldn’t be able to keep this from her.

I would tell her.

I imagine she knows if he goes to meet female friends without her.

Does he maintain these friendships or do they fizzle out? Are the types similar to your Mum?

I don't think you should get involved.

How old are you OP?

I would sit on the information for a while before I made a decision

This happened to me in my early twenties, almost the exact same situation.

I printed off an email from one of my dads "friends" that made it very clear that they were more than that and gave it to my mum.

She was very upset, but not surprised. There were a lot of financial issues at the time (joint IVA) and both of them were working 2 jobs, so there was no chance of them splitting. In the end she just binned it and nothing changed.

My dad is without doubt a narc. I went NC with him and he went missing on my birthday and did some awful to punish me. In the end I made contact with him again just so that my mums life didn't become even more hellish.

Years have passed since then and they are still together but live as friends in their house. My dad has ended up being a surprisingly good grandfather and there's no drama now that they are in their 60s, maybe he's too old for it all now, who knows.

If I could go back again I probably would have given the email to my mum, but I wouldn't have confronted him or gone NC. In retrospect it just made my mums life harder and I should have just given her the info to make her own choices and then kept out of it for her sake. Honestly, I'd be surprised if your mum doesn't already know.

I'm so sorry you are in this position - most of my twenties were filled with horrific anxiety about this.

I wouldn’t do anything. I’m pretty sure your mum knows and is happy to leave things as they are.
It may be the case that they are still together and happy to be so because their lives are comfortable that way and they would prefer not to split because instead of then sharing a whole, you only get half, which would disrupt both their lives.

Maybe she is happy with him doing that as long as he isn’t pestering her and atleast trying to be discreet. Maybe your mum has her own guy on the side but better at hiding it.

I think it’s easy to judge, but until you have been in a long term relationship and can really understand how situations can come about, it’s best to stay out of it.

You dads happy hopefully, your mum too maybe.

Or maybe she don’t know? Why don’t you ask her how she feels about loyalty and being faithful and gauge from her answer on if you think she knows.

"They both tell me how unhappy they are all the time".

Drop the rope they hold out to you here. Its not your fault your parents are like this and they have both abjectly let you down as their daughter.
Your shame here re them is totally misplaced, I'd feel bloody angry at the two of them.

Stop listening to them; they are using you as a sort of sounding board and/or unqualified therapist. Make yourself far less available to them both by contacting them far less, if at all. Their relationship is a toxic dance of codependency you want no part of. And they will never leave each other.

@Aquamarine1029

Your father and your mother are merely human, that's all. They have mutually decided to stay in a shit marriage, and that's an awful shame. If your father is cheating, obviously it's not appropriate, but demonising him is pointless. The fact is, you have no idea what your mother is up to, either. Your parents sound like two very unhappy people, both making poor choices. Stay out of their marriage and just try to have as positive relationship with both of them as possible. That's all you can do.

Absolutely this. I doubt she would thank you for telling her.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I have been in a similar situation. I found out my Dad had been sleeping with prostitues and had to tell my Mum. They had very recently split up but it allowed her to get tested and also gave her the clarity that she had done the right thing. You should tell your mum, she maybe needs that extra push to leave him. Life was so much better with my dad gone. I have never been able to have a good relationship with him as he has no respect for women. Still makes me feel sick.

For added context, my Dad is quite a difficult man. I think he may be a covert narcissist, or at least something that resembles one. That's why I don't believe the message about loving that woman, he is very emotionally immature and I just cannot imagine him being capable of actual love

I'm in my early 20s living at home

I'd forget about him but focus on your mum. How could you help to make her life better? It can't be much fun for her being with him if he's making friends with random women off the internet. Could she leave him and start a better life?

Suggest moving out asap, and in the meantime asking both of them not to discuss their relationship concerns with you.

Would have a read of the ‘Stately Homes’ threads and recommended reading on those.

You might, for example, decide to go low contact with your father, eg if you have reason to think your father is ‘toxic’ more generally.

I dont think you need to do anything, or even dwell on it.

Based on the information you've shared here it's obvious that he has been having intimate relationships with multiple women over many years. This one is probably no different.

Your mum probably knows it goes on and chooses to turn a blind eye. Even if she didnt realise, if she wouldn't consider leaving then what is the point of upsetting the applecart?

Put all your energy into finding a place to live away from your parents.your parents have let you down and you dont have to look after them or worry about either of them.concentrate on your own life,make friends,be happy.Move away as far as you can.

I don’t agree that your father has let you down. Relationships are complex. I would keep it to yourself.

I was in a similar situation to you many years ago when I was about 15. I overheard a phone call between my dad and a woman who I guessed must have been his mistress. I wrote a letter to my parents about it. But i had second thoughts and tore up the letter. And now, many decades later when all involved are long dead (apart from me of course!) I think I was right not to send the letter. I realised that it was almost certain that my mother knew and had turned a blind eye for her own reasons. Bringing it all into the open would not have helped anyone. My parents remained married, though somewhat distant, for the rest of their lives and none of the family are any the wiser. Relationships are private matters, no one has a full picture of another couple's relationship and it is very unwise to interfere.

I think your bigger problem is your feeling that your father is incapable of love! This doesn’t sound like an emotionally healthy place for you to be living. I echo PPs in suggesting this might be a signal for you that it’s time to move out, and maybe put yourself on a waitlist for some therapy so that you can be sure to build healthier relationships in the future. My husband comes from a family with a very cold and challenging parental relationship, and starting therapy a few months ago has been truly eye opening for him.

Sorry you’re going through this.