Finally over

[joysmoy66]

I posted on here about 18 months ago about my husband leaving me and my children (one asd son who broke his heart over his dad leaving for another woman + 2 older kids-15&16) well against advise I gave him another chance and things seemed good. He showered me with affection. We did counselling. Sleeping together/dates(although we were sleeping together before anyway) well lo and behold he's gone cold the past couple of weeks and having checked his phone he has been phoning her! Confronted him about it and apparently he wanted to apologise to her for his shit behaviourwhat a waste of 18 months! I've been with him since I was 15 and now 37! But it's finally over. He's re writing history already which I recognise as the script. What do I need to do? He says he will leave tomorrow and try to explain to our poor kids. What exactly is ducks in a row etc? Many thanks to you all x ps he's currently snoring on MY sofa -shows how much he cares!

Bump

I'm really sorry, Joy.

Thank you x

So sorry to hear this. You must be gutted after giving him another chance

Ducks usually refers to anything you need for a smooth divorce, which he might try to hide eg details of any savings, his income, legal and financial stuff generally. Once you have that info you will be better able to sort a financial settlement that is fair on you both rather than going on blind while he hides money left right and centre. Also passports for the kids where an ex is likely to try and take them elsewhere, but that’s more usually in abusive situations rather than cheating scenarios.

At this point the only duck you need to sort is getting his cheating arse out of the house before he confuses your poor kids even more. Absolute arsehole.

You will get through this, but it will be hard going so please do lean on MN for support

Thank you so much Roy. I just can't believe this. We have separate bank accounts-what can I do? We live in a housing association house. I will sound so clueless but we have been together since I was 15,living together when I was 17,married at 19 and first child at 20. He's a little older and more worldly.

Do you have your own income?

Just kick him out and enjoy your life OP. Claim child maintenance when he leaves.

Any bills for the houses switch soley to your name, council tax ect

I'm sorry hes done this to you, what a selfish man

I did exactly the same thing with my now Ex wife after her affair. 3 more years I wasted as she continued her lies.

I'm now 40 and single after 14 years together.

As soon as he leaves change the locks . You can't force him to leave so keep your fingers crossed.

Then go on the Child maintenance calculator and work out future child maintenance payments.

Thanks all. I have a small income plus carers allowance . We are in housing association. Anything else I need to do besides bills/child maintenance?

If it looks like he may backtrack about leaving, tell him you need some space to think for a few days. Trick him into leaving.

Get ready for an Oscar performance to match his. 'Ok, that's ok, i don't want you to go. Maybe we can find a way to work through this. But...I think i need a few days space OK? Can you go stay with your mum? Just till next weekend maybe? And then we'll talk. Once we've both calmed down'.

Then the second he is gone, call the locksmith!

Thank you pink. Any advice very welcome!

Phone the housing association and make a start in getting the property in your own name

Change all bills into your own name

Stop paying anything that is his. Car insurance. Phone bill etc

Start a claim for benefits. UC will have an adult element. Child element disability element and carers element and housing element. Turn2us has a benefit calculator to give you an idea of what you are entitled too

You will then qualify for council tax benefit

CMS for child support. You can go on line and do a calculation for this

Start going through the house getting his stuff together in one place for him to take. Move things around. New bedding, paint a wall anything to make it different.

Contact, he comes and takes the kids on x day and x time. How ever that looks to you.

Get support for yourself and the kids. Let school know. And seek out low cost counselling for your self. Journaling helped me to stop reaching out to my ex.

Gather good people around you. This will pass but you have some bumpy times ahead.

@joysmoy66

Thanks all. I have a small income plus carers allowance . We are in housing association. Anything else I need to do besides bills/child maintenance?

Go and see Citizens Advice or a solicitor. You need to get the best advice. What a shit. Good on you for trying to make it work but in my experience it very rarely does

Thank you both for the advice and support

Swinging between acceptance and feeling devastated today. He's coming back to tell our kids later and my heart is breaking for them

Oh no, what a waste of 18 months :-(

I (finally) left an abusive man at 37 so same age, different circumstances but do you know what, it had been my second attempt to leave him, so one thing I was spared, was any small amount of regret. I never, ever felt I'd done the wrong thing. I knew absolutely that there was no space for regret. I knew absolutely that there was no choice but to start again now.

Look after yourself for the next few years. Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you're your absolutely lovely friend whose just hit a rough spot in what will be a long and lovely life.

I feel for you, all the ''admin'' ahead of you. I found that hard too, all the form filling required for my new situation. Applying for this that and the other. It's a tough adjustment but take time out. If you've spent a day filling in forms and applying for something or researching, be kind to yourself when you spend the next day relaxing.

I will sound so clueless but we have been together since I was 15, He's a little older and more worldly

As soon as you adjust, you can enjoy getting to know what in the world sets you alight. I bet his ''worldliness'' is something you can do without x

Thank you for much userbot. I'm just feeling so up and down today. I can't really believe it's over.

Sending hugs to you OP, what an absolute bellend he is. You will find strength that you didn't know you even had and all of those things that feel so daunting now will become normal. It's your time to grow and be your own person. You were very young when you met and I would imagine that you have a great future ahead in which you discover yourself.

It's going to be tough and wavering between grief, anger, fear and resentment are all perfectly normal. Don't set yourself any time limits, you are allowed to feel miserable and lost. In time, you will find some peace and a sense of hope will return

Thank you so much for your kind words,the support honestly means the world to me right now. My poor children when he told them broke my heart 💔