Advice for disengaging in a relationship?

[anine]

DH has gone a step too far today, in one of his regular bad moods, and he's said some stuff that's just unforgiveable. I can't do right for doing wrong. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I think he thinks he's my boss.

For financial reasons I cannot split right now but I think I will eventually. I can't live like this forever.

In the meantime I feel like I need to disengage, to protect my mental health. I was wondering if anyone else has had any experiences of disengaging and any advice about how to do it?

Anyone?

I would take a look at the Common Ego on YouTube and videos by Dr Ramani, loads of great advice.

We need more information but need to perhaps look in to narcissism. See if any of his traits match up. A relationship is a partnership. You should never feel second place or as though you are always trying to please him. If you're mental health is suffering then you may need to consider getting away from him.

Also I would look at becoming financially independent if you can. Sounds like quite a controlling relationship

All of the above and also start to visualize the little wonderful things that will happen once your rod of him.

I’ve seen women in here mentally decorate their flat (once they got one or were on the list) even going so far as buying a couple items and stashing them away for the day they leave.

Some think of how they wont have to clean up after a man (and all the gross that goes along with that). Being able to eat what you want for dinner. Make what you want. All without this ingrate making life miserable.

So as you get your ducks in a row, these little daydreams might provide some comfort.

It's good to remember that someone who says unforgivable things to you when they lose their temper but don't do it at work or to friends etc is choosing this behaviour. Ie they are abusive.

Thank you everyone.

I don't even know where to start so it will probably seem jumbled or I might accidentally miss things out and end up drip feeding.

The things that he does are; is constantly in a bad mood but says it's me when I try to tackle this, constant gas lighting, leaves everything to me regarding the house and kids, does his hobbies and goes off on lads' holidays/hobby related holidays all the time, says really nasty things to me and I often end up 'paying' for something I've done months ago if he then brings up that he's annoyed by it.

I tested positive for covid about a week before Xmas and haven't felt very well since. While I had covid he did the absolute bare minimum that he had to do with regards to the kids and in the house, and it was all done very reluctantly. He didn't look after me and was cross with me that I wasn't well, and I did try to carry on as best I could even though I felt really rough. I have felt unwell since but have carried on doing things as per normal as it's just not worth the hassle and bad moods if I'm ill. However on Thursday night I came down with a stomach bug and was ill all night. DH wasn't happy about this when he woke up in the morning as he woke up with a headache.

I tried to carry on with my day despite feeling rough as again it wasn't worth the hassle but ended up having a bit of a cry to myself. DH saw I'd been crying and asked why and I said it was because I felt ill and a bit fed up and he laughed into a tirade of anger, as he does sometimes, bringing up everything I've done 'wrong'.

He said I'm 'always ill', I'm always miserable, the work I do for our business is 'no fucking good' and 'fucking useless' and that he thought I was taking the piss when I had covid and had some naps in the day. Plus all the other usuals that I'm nasty, etc. As usual when I tried to speak back and defend myself he says I don't talk like an adult and he wasn't interested in listening to me and to fuck off. Then he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. After a while he agreed to talk and he denied saying most of those things and said 'YOU'RE A LIAR' to me even though he'd said them 10 mins before. He always says his piece then refuses to talk if I try to defend myself then gaslights me. He also Always bangs on about me having an 'easy' life which I don't think I particularly have!

He has since apologised for our 'argument' but it's just too little too late. We have a business together but I have also started a (totally unrelated) small business of my own so I need a chance to try to build that up to make myself a bit more independent financially.

We have 3 kids: I have an adult child from a previous relationship who is moving out soon with their partner, and we have two secondary school aged children together

I feel like nothing I ever do is ever good enough. There's always a criticism or a mood about it

Have you tried counselling to help you in this difficult situation? This is similar to my life with my exh, after many difficult years together I eventually left. Life is now pretty amazing

You will be so much happier without him. He sounds vile. He is abusive. He shows you no respect or love or care. That isn't a marriage, a partnership. He thinks he's the boss, the important one, and you're there to make his life easier and to serve him. When you're ill or need support yourself he's angry, as that means you aren't working as you should, and besides he doesn't see his role as helping or supporting or looking after you.

He treats you like a household appliance that should always work without complaint.

I know you said you couldn't leave quickly, but I would encourage you to leave as soon as you possibly can. Every day spent with someone like him is miserable and makes you less secure in yourself. You lose a bit of who you really in, in an attempt to be who they want you to be, for an easier life.

But that does you a disservice. It isn't good for your health and wellbeing, and it isn't good for your children. Your relationship with DH is not one you'd want them to emulate in their adult years, and there is a risk they will see it as 'normal'. They will benefit hugelty from seeing their mum rise up and say 'enough - I deserve better. Noone treats me like that and gets away with it'.

Please keep talking on here, and seek advice and support IRL where you can. You might be surprised that you can leave sooner than you'd thought.

In the meantime, as pp said, start to imagine your lovely home once you're free of him. Calm, comfy, loving, filled with laughter, decorated as you want it, doing what you want with your time, never undermined, never criticised. Imagine how you'd want that home to look. It's a private thing that he can't take away from you, and it's part of you planning the next part of your life. Away from him.

Thank you so much for the replies. I will look into getting counselling. I agree I probably do need to get away from him sooner rather than later as he will just grind me down furthermore

Your husband sounds just like mine, it’s uncanny. Even the pretending to be asleep and shouting ‘you’re a liar!’ if I mention anything he did that upset me. I had to check I didn’t write this post. The only difference is my husband never apologises.

I am not in love with him any more and nor does he have my vote of confidence as a person. I’m quietly working to get into a position where I can leave (and we have 2 kids).

I have disengaged by admitting this to myself and excluding him from my emotional world and disconnecting him from my sense of well-being. Anything I care about I tell to friends, they bouy me up and support me. We have a lot less battles now as I don’t try to make the relationship into something I want.

Sad, but necessary. I’m sorry OP, we both deserve fun and love.

I wouldn’t push therapy as a way to cope, but one as to take action.

Even if you find yourself in lesser circumstances you’ll be free to feel joy. It’s sad but you need to feel freedom and be yourself. If you want to patch things up or do anything it’s up to you, but it will be YOU.

I brought up how women imagine the little things … like for food I wish I could link you but a devastated woman who was left took joy in the fact she could make a wonderful salad for dinner. Broke my damn heart, I was so glad for her.

The women who were able to volunteer in areas they were passionate about….

Some with children and finally being able to put the focus on them without interference…

I read these stories and I swear to you. Men aren’t shit.

There is loneliness in their stories. Not as much as one would expect but it is a truth. Yet, the happiness of being able to get out and do things, not cater to a man who is ungrateful at best, and terrifying at worst…

These thoughts and plans are your secret. They are your own little plans to see yourself to happiness.

I wish you happiness!

PS also let this man do whatever. He doesn’t want to go to the dr or dentist. Ok! He doesn’t want to do something about those ugmo nose hairs and eyebrows? K then! He wants to wear those rumpled clothes out? Excellent! Let him show up somewhere without you where a social nicety is needed like a gift. He’s knows best!

Disengagement is what it is. You
Have to accept all of it. Again, I hope for
Your happiness !

How to disengage?

Separate bedrooms if you can. let him go on his lads holidays. Encourage it. Take your kids away on your own.

Cook meals that you like. Buy food you like. Make your life as pleasant as possible until you can leave.

Hi OP. I lived with a man like this for 16 years! Got progressively worse as I was more ‘stuck’ (three children, two with SEN, part time job etc). I’m still in counselling 3.5 years after he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. It was the nicest thing he’d ever done for me!
I couldn’t imagine even ending it because he’d ground me down so much. Start counselling because building yourself up and finding out why you chose a twat like him is gold. You will explore how powerful you are and it will enable you to make plans to end this horrible soul destroying relationship for you.
I wish you all the best. Life on the other side of a toxic relationship is blissful!

You have recognised that he is not your friend, he doesn't cherish you as he should or have your back when you are ill. That is a great start. Stop trying to please him - you'll never measure up. So think about the ways you try to "please" him throughout the day and adapt.
E.g. if you do it through making big, complex meals that you think he'd like then make simpler, easier food on rotation to free up some headspace and time on meal planning.
If you have to plan the evenings viewing and keep track of programmes he might enjoy, stop it. Take yourself off to the bedroom with your laptop and watch what you want to.
In fact, taking yourself off to another room every day is very freeing from having that slight anxious feeling of being questioned and judged or being watchful and on alert because he is in the vicinity
Relish the free time when he is on lads holidays. Do nice things for yourself and children.
Be kind to yourself and start to nuture yourself and not him.
If you can afford it get some counselling. It will give you somewhere to offload and where the person you are talking to won't judge and will be your advocate
When you speak to him, think about what you want to say and speak low and slow.
Think about your red lines/boundaries.
Allow yourself space to grieve about the relationship and talk to yourself like a best friend, offering forgiveness form any blame and shame you attach to yourself about how things have turned out.

That’s really good advice @SapatSea

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Seriously consider now how you go about exiting yourself from this marriage to your abuser. Would you consider seeking legal advice from a Solicitor?. After all, knowledge here is power.

I would also second the suggestion made to get counselling for your own self and on your own. Do not enter into any joint counselling with him, such is never advised where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Womens Aid are also worth your while contacting.

Your children here can and indeed do pick up on the inherent unhappiness within your home due to the abuse, do not ever assume otherwise. Consider what you want to teach them about relationships and what they are learning here?.