To go to hen do?

[completelycool57]

Hi!
I’m stupidly incapable of making decision haha so thought I’d see what people thought.

I’ve been invited to a hen do abroad by one of my old work friends. I’m pretty close to her but I don’t really know any of her friends.
The flights are around £300, so with accommodation and spending money we’re looking at about £700+.
Her wedding is also 6-7 hour drive away and will need to pay hotel + petrol. So looking at about a grand.

I initially said I’d go and paid some of the accommodation deposit but I’m really starting to stress. I’ve since started to rent a flat share and am trying really hard to save for a deposit with my partner.

I feel guilty if I don’t go as it may be that the others have to pay a bit more towards the accommodation. But honestly it seems like a lot to pay for one person’s wedding who I am really close to but I wouldn’t say is my best friend.

Any advice? I’ve always been a people pleaser so dunno if some of it is that!

Thanks!

I saw an article where a lady said that the first hen do was local, second was Scotland, third was Paris. Fourth was Las Vegas.

Everytime there was a wedding the new bride wanted to out do the last. She decided to stop after Paris because whilst not poor she said she would have spent in excess of £5000 by the fourth one.

I'm sure you will be made to feel guilty but it's unreasonable to assume that people want to spend £1000s to attend a hen or stag do. Once the event is done you may not see any of them for a long time and have to think was it worth it.

I had to attend one and decided two nights was too much. So I said I could only get 2 days of instead of three. One person had spent £200 night one just on alcohol.

Do what's right for you not for your friends.

Thank you!! That’s a good point.

I just almost feel like a bad person? And because I already said I’d go as well…

I would not be going. I don't know how people have got the balls to ask people to shell out amounts like that.

Say your circumstances have changed and you can't now. If she's a good friend, she won't mind.

I guess people are made to feel bad because of peer pressure. You should be able to do what you want. Look at the film Bridesmaids. She was in hell when the other brides maid who clearly came from a wealthy family said it's been decided to go to Las Vegas.

It was bad on the friends to assume that everyone is happy to and can afford to spend £1000+ for a once in a life time event that will be forgotton in the near future.

It wouldn't hurt and I'd hope if they are good people if they'd understand if you said that things are a little tight right now and you don't think you'd be able to attend. Worst case to save face you could say you're not well and can't attend that way you save grace and they don't think any less of you. White lie but gets you out of an awkward situation.

I wouldn’t go. Just tell them asap that you’re situation has changed and you can no longer afford it. You’ll see them at the wedding. Don’t bow to any hassle. Obviously it would have been better to decline at the time but it’s not too late now. I’ve been to loads of hen dos and enjoyed bits of most of them but I don’t feel bad saying no anymore. Don’t have the money, don’t want to be away from home for long, can’t be arsed.

I think a simple night out isn't as instagrammable - hence the matching pyjamas, rented house, cocktail making etc. It's about image.

@AnneLovesGilbert, I'm the same. I'm just saying No in future. Hen parties have gotten ridiculously out of control.
My dsis is getting married in May. Hen do - drinks at her house, a few drinks in the local pub then a curry.
Perfect. And I won't need to remortgage the house.

@completelycool57, just tell them ASAP you can't afford it.
Don't feel guilty.

I’m not anti hen at all, I’ve had two, the second wasn’t my idea but my friends wanted an excuse for a get together. One involved a bbq at my house, the other was a cheap spa day we’d have done for someone’s birthday followed by cocktails and a meal, which I paid for.

The thought of spending the equivalent of a decent family holiday on a few days with a bunch of mostly strangers in a location I didn’t choose sounds like madness.

Saving a deposit is a massive deal and takes time and sacrifice. You’re right to prioritise it over pretty much everything else.

That makes me feel soooo much better. It’s hard because I want to take these opportunities while I’m young (23) but also, I don’t really know anyone and it’s an awful lot of money for one person!! I feel like there’s one person I’d do it for and that’s my best friend.

I feel bad because I said I’d go and she was gutted when someone else dropped out. I also do have a few holidays booked this year and I’m worried she’ll get annoyed that I could afford that :/

@completelycool57, it's none of her business what holidays you go on. And so what she was gutted when someone dropped out....that's life and the reality when people can't afford things.

You’re still going to her wedding! That’s the main event.

Honestly, when people post huge expensive OTT things they’re asking a lot and they don’t really have the right to be gutted when people realise it’s too much. These things always spiral wildly too, it’s never the cost you expect.

She’s getting married, that’s wonderful for her, you’re going to be there on the day, not having the exact hen do guest list doesn’t take away from all it that, or it shouldn’t.

If you've already said youd go and then everyone else has agreed based on this then it could be really dropping others in the shit paying your extra share if you dont go. The time to say no was when you had an idea of costs and before paying anything.

So I'd say no but I would check if this means more money for everyone else and if yes I'd suck it up and pay it (you will still save spending money and flights)

I’d decline. Do you socialise much still?

Op on mumsnet people take great offence to hen dos and wedding invites, I’m really not sure why. Go if you want, don’t go if you don’t want to.

But in your situation I think it’s actually incredibly mean to change your mind once you have already committed. Ultimately you’ll be changing the terms that everyone else agreed to. If you’d have said no originally perhaps they would have been able to book smaller and cheaper accommodation in the first place.

@Homerenonovice

Op on mumsnet people take great offence to hen dos and wedding invites, I’m really not sure why. Go if you want, don’t go if you don’t want to.

But in your situation I think it’s actually incredibly mean to change your mind once you have already committed. Ultimately you’ll be changing the terms that everyone else agreed to. If you’d have said no originally perhaps they would have been able to book smaller and cheaper accommodation in the first place.

I haven't seen anyone take offence at a hen do or wedding invitation, but rather at some of the associated costs and expectations.

It's really the same as the other hen do thread on here. It's prohibitively expensive, so you can't go.

@completelycool57

Hi! I’m stupidly incapable of making decision haha so thought I’d see what people thought.

I’ve been invited to a hen do abroad by one of my old work friends. I’m pretty close to her but I don’t really know any of her friends.
The flights are around £300, so with accommodation and spending money we’re looking at about £700+.
Her wedding is also 6-7 hour drive away and will need to pay hotel + petrol. So looking at about a grand.

I initially said I’d go and paid some of the accommodation deposit but I’m really starting to stress. I’ve since started to rent a flat share and am trying really hard to save for a deposit with my partner.

I feel guilty if I don’t go as it may be that the others have to pay a bit more towards the accommodation. But honestly it seems like a lot to pay for one person’s wedding who I am really close to but I wouldn’t say is my best friend.

Any advice? I’ve always been a people pleaser so dunno if some of it is that!

Thanks!

test

Thank you!! Just sent her a text explaining.. nervous