How would you handle this?

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Hi all I'm looking for some advice. The short version is that my boyfriend has messaged asking to cancel our weekend plans so he can go out with his friends and I'm looking for advice on how you would handle the situation.

I'll start by saying that due to past relationships/general life trauma I'm aware that being cancelled on is a massive trigger for me. It triggers feelings of abandonment, rage, disappointment and makes me feel disrespected. I'm working with a therapist on this. So if I'm being a total drama queen please be gentle in telling me that.

So, my relationship is a great one. We've been together for two years and I feel loved and respected 99.9% of the time. The one issue we keep having is that my boyfriend can be a bit of a flake and unfortunately it's the one thing that really upsets me. If it was any other issue I'd be inclined to say nobody's perfect and just let it go but although I'm working hard in therapy and have managed to get to a point where I can stop and think before reacting, it still does cause me massive distress. Because it's such a big trigger for me I find it difficult to know what kind of reaction is reasonable.

It doesn't happen loads but every couple of months or so he will cancel our plans for a non-emergency reason. Ie, his friends have decided to have a night out or he's agreed to do a favour for someone, he's tired and wants a night to himself etc. We've talked it through every time it has happened and I've expressed that I can handle it much better if I know in advance meaning I have time to make other arrangements if I want to and also means I haven't been looking forward to it all week to feel let down And obviously emergencies/ illness etc I understand, it's when it's something that could be arranged for a day we don't have plans that I get upset. Despite this he keeps doing it.

I also want to be clear that I have no issue with him seeing his friends, I know it's important to have our own things going on too. I still see my friends but I don't agree to arrangements on days I already have plans. He also sees his friends regularly. So today he has messaged about this night out and I feel upset and frustrated because 1) he knows how it makes me feel and 2) he knows it's too late for me to make other plans for the weekend so I'll be on my tod. I do feel that messaging me this on the Friday is disrespectful but am unsure if I am just overreacting as it's a sore point for me.

I haven't responded to his message but I don't know what to say. If I say no it's not okay, he won't go but I don't want to ever say "no you can't go out with your friends". And the weekend would be spoiled anyway because we'd both be annoyed at the other. I also feel like I don't want to see him now anyway as I don't want to spend time with someone who would rather be elsewhere, if that makes sense?

I want to be mature and deal with this in the right way but I don't know how. I'm fed up of having this conversation.

Hmmm, I would day don't bend over backwards trying to be understanding and having no issue with it because he is basically telling you he prioritises his other plans over you. I would find it very hurtful as it is a regular occurrence. I had a boyfriend like this and it didn't do much for my self esteem and in order to make my company more appealing for him I had terrible boundaries and let him treat me like crap. I know you say it's great 99.9% of the time but this one particular issue makes you unhappy and I don't think it should be brushed under the carpet.

My friend did this to me once and I spoke to her about how it made me feel, she apologised and never did it again. Funny how we lower the bar for so called partners though isn't it? Apologies for the ramble, I think your feelings about this matter are very valid and should be addressed, I also think it is interesting that you don't want to rock the boat for fear of ruining both your weekends but your weekend being inconvenienced is a burden to be shouldered by you.

Yeah that's a bit rubbish, he could organise himself better with his friends in advance, has he blown out the whole weekend or can you still see him? I would at least expect to see him the next day. If it keeps happening I understand how annoying it must be.

Has he ever changed prearranged plans in favour of spending time with you?

@CanofCant Yep, I had not 1 but 2 boyfriends who constantly cancelled on me and were totally unreliable which is where my issue stems from I think. They really were a pair of bastards though and that was just one of many issues. My current relationship is genuinely nothing like that which is why I struggle to know how to deal with it when this happens because I know we're both lucky to have the relationship that we do and I am far from perfect so I wonder is it fair to be so immovable on this issue? But at the same time, it makes me feel awful when he does this so it would be unfair to myself to ignore that and pretend it's fine and I don't think that will do any favours for the relationship long term. It's not an issue I would even consider breaking up over but I also don't want to have the same argument for the rest of my life so I don't know what to say. Also about not ruining both our weekends, it's more that I don't want to spend a weekend miserable together, if that makes sense? Ie, if I say no it's not okay and he says he won't go and will stick with our original plans, then it's not going to be the nice time together we were meant to be having.

I couldn't tell you if he has cancelled arrangements for me. I doubt it though as due to our work schedules we generally see each other on the same days every week so I imagine he just wouldn't arrange anything for those days.

@dopple To be fair to him, I know my boyfriend has tried to organise things with them and loads of them are terrible for not confirming if they're up for it til the last minute. So it usually ends up with a smaller sub group of them going to the pub and on this occasion they've all turned out to be free tomorrow. So I can see why he wants to go but if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn't agree to something if it would mean I'd have to cancel our plans the night before, especially on a weekend. I won't see him at all this weekend as he's helping his parents with something tonight which I knew about already then he works all day on Sundays! If it was a case or changing the days or seeing him only one day instead of two I'd have no issue

I didn't reply to his message because I needed some time to compose myself and he has messaged again saying "it's alright, I won't go". I still don't know what to say without coming across like a petulant child. I feel like the damage is already done as he tried to cancel our plans with full knowledge of how it makes me feel. I really want to reply "piss off, you're not invited anymore" but I know that's not very mature. But it's how I feel. He's already hurt my feelings and let me know he'd rather go out with his friends so why would I want to spend time with him now?

I really don't want to have another big conversation about this because I feel like I have explained my POV very clearly multiple times now, there's nothing else I can say. If he doesn't get it by now he's never going to and I refuse to be the girl who keeps complaining about the same thing but then accepts it over and over again. So I'm at a loss for what to do now.

Tricky, I love spending time with my partner and it's the other way round we find time to meet our friends when one of us is working. However it's different when a night out comes in to play. Neither of us really drinks but it's the kind of event you can't just ask round everyone and say when can you make it. Tends to happen around the weekend.

I would also note how often does he actually get to see his friends. It's obviously important to maintain friendships. If it's only been a handful of occassions then perhaps either you guys are pre-arranging your weekends to far in advance (everyone does things differently) or perhaps the issue here is that you aren't sure what to do with yourself at short notice if he isn't free. Do you have friends you could hang out with if the plans change?

I do agree though I would be a bit annoyed if a week or few days before my partner so oh sorry I can't hang out because....

@Rocktheboat56 I don't have a problem with him seeing his friends on the weekend and he does see them probably every second weekend (sometimes more, sometimes less). Generally how we do it is we have one weekend night to ourselves to see friends/chill out alone etc then we spend the other weekend evening together. Then every few weeks we will spend the whole weekend together but generally it's a Saturday or a Sunday. So he's not short on time for a night out.

I think if this was a genuinely one off thing I would admittedly still feel hurt due to my own issues I but wouldn't show him that and would tell him to go and enjoy himself. Because as I said to a PP, it is rare that the whole group are free. But it's part of a longer pattern of him cancelling on me fairly last minute for things that could have been arranged for another night and the last time we had a row about it was only last month so my tolerance for it is really low just now I suppose.

Also, I guess I do have trouble filling my time last minute but is that so unusual? Would most people not have their weekend plans already arranged by Friday afternoon? My friends all definitely do. Should I be anticipate being cancelled on the day before/ the day of plans so I can have a back up arranged? And I'm not being snarky btw, I generally am wondering what the norm is.

Genuinely wondering*

It's not you, it's him. You're not a priority to him in the same way that he is for you and that's why it feels shitty.

If it doesn't feel right it's because it isn't.

Is it a special weekend you have planned or is it the default that you see each other at weekends?

If its the default (it is with my boyfriend amd me) then neither of us is bothered if the other arranges something else on one of the nights. It doesn't happen often. But if it was a planned arrangement that would be different.

It's important to see other friends and keep up with life amd often the weekend is the only time to do that. But there's be balance amd consideration.

I wouldn't want to stop him from seeing a friend he hadn't seen for a while because he spends every weekend with me and that's how it always is.

@GreyCarpet We see each other every weekend but generally only one day. Depending on what we've got on we will see each other on Friday or Saturday, for the exact reasons you mentioned ie so we can each see our friends or have time to chill alone etc. We generally only spend the entire weekend together when we don't have anything else planned or if we're going away for the weekend or something. And that arrangement suits me as I do believe it's important to keep your own separate social lives and interests.

So he does see his friends regularly, every fortnight at least. So it's not as if these are people he barely sees. He wanted to go out tomorrow because most of the guys in his group are available tomorrow so there's a bigger group of them going. He sees them all regularly but generally say 4 of the 8 guys will be available and will go to the pub whereas this weekend 6 of the 8 can make it so he'll see more of them at the same time, if that makes sense? If it was a special occasion or he hadn't seen them in ages I wouldn't have an issue.

So it just feels hurtful and disrespectful that he wanted to cancel our arranged plans to go to the pub with people he sees all the time. And also because he's cancelling on me on Friday when all of my friends have made their weekend plans. I even phoned to see if my parents are free tomorrow and they've got plans too! So it just seems thoughtless that he's let me down and left me with no weekend plans. It hurts my feelings that he would rather go to the pub and it also makes me feel like he doesn't value my time. I wouldn't do it to him without a really good reason as I just think it's disrespectful. I definitely wouldn't do it to sit in my local pub with the friends I see all the time. It's important to me to honour my commitments.

OP, he isn't going to help you feel secure. You're doing all this work on yourself with your therapist only for him to reinforce the feelings of abandonment and worthlessness that you have carried about with you for so long. You shouldn't feel like that, you sound like a good person who is really thoughtful towards a feckless man who doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Your last comment about him cancelling on you due to more of his friends being available really resonates with me. It's the kind of thing my ex would have done. It really drove home the fact that he would only see me if he felt like it and didn't get a 'better' offer. Being on tenterhooks like that, waiting to be let down is horrible. It took me far too long to tell him to fuck off, I wasted so much time on him, and I really regret it.

I hope you have a nice weekend regardless and can reflect on the shoddy and undeserved way he treats you. Could you live the rest of your life being let down in favour of other, 'more important' plans? What if you were to marry, have children and he kept cancelling to sod off with his mates or just wanted to be alone leaving you to hold the fort?

How often do you see each other?
Had you seen u any plans this weekend specifically or just to hang out? Can he not do both?

Def don't pretend it's fine if it isn't, but it needs to be his decision. They you make your decisions from there.

So I'd tell him I'm disappointed he's cancelled with such short notice but to have a nice weekend and you'll message him in the week

Him cancelling on you because he's had a better offer is really rude and disrespectful,. I would seriously be considering whether you want to continue this relationship.

You’re not at a loss about what to do. You know what you need to do but you don’t want to do it.

End the relationship. He’s just not that into you and he’s damaging your self esteem. As you said, a one off you’d understand but when he repeatedly cancels on you at the last minute, that’s a clear sign of disrespect and you shouldn’t tolerate it. You deserve better.

Sorry, just clicked your name change fail

Also, I guess I do have trouble filling my time last minute but is that so unusual as an aside, why do you need to fill it? What's wrong with just bring on your own? Just curious if that's part of the issue, if you're also upset you'll be alone when that's something you struggle with? I might be totally off base of course