What really goes on in nurseries?

FawnFrenchieMum · 28/01/2022 13:01

School nursery or private nursery?

If it’s private, I’d consider a childminder instead. Did you do any stay and plays sessions? I know they are not going to do certain things in front of you but you do get an idea of how happy the other children there are.

MsSquiz · 28/01/2022 13:07

How old is your son?
How long has he been going to this nursery?
Did you do stay & play with him before he officially started?
How/why did you choose this nursery?

My DD is 2, has attended for 8 months now and she loves it, but every child, nursery worker and setting is different.

Do you really think they just say to him "stop crying" and walk off or ignore him? Or do you think that is his "version of events" and they actually try to comfort or distract him while saying "there there, stop crying"? They are 2 different situations

girlmom21 · 28/01/2022 13:08

My 2 year old tells me her key worker is her best friend and she loves her more than me

She always gives staff a cuddle when she's leaving to come home and blows them kisses.

Just as a comparison.

This is a private nursery.

Original poster

taylormaid1 · 28/01/2022 13:11

@FawnFrenchieMum it's private.. interesting that you ask that!!

they didn't offer stay and play sessions but that's a great idea, I will suggest it for next week..

The communication on email has not been the best so far either.. very late to get back to me and don't seem too bothered about my son's well-being..

I don't want to keep changing him but if he's genuinely unhappy I can't keep sending him..

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Original poster

taylormaid1 · 28/01/2022 13:12

My son has been going since Jan '22.. it's a battle getting him there.. I can see he is stressed.. really difficult decision to make - childcare seems pretty shit

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UltraVividLament · 28/01/2022 13:13

Is this in the UK? How old is your son?

The nursery I used for my two sons would never have told a child to stop crying, they would have comforted him, distracted him, checked with me what the possible issues were, made changes to try to prevent this etc etc.

What's the daily communication with the nursery like generally?

Emmelina · 28/01/2022 13:15

How recently is recently? How long did you give him at his last nursery? How old is he?

Original poster

taylormaid1 · 28/01/2022 13:15

@MsSquiz we sent him there as it's close/good reviews online and teachers seemed lovely upon look round.. also I was planning to go back to work mid summer and it offers full days (the one he was at 3 months prior didn't offer longer days) also he looked unhappy and said he didn't want to go to the old when his main teacher/key worker left..

I feel so guilty changing him here now :/

I will likely put work on hold now..

Not too sure how to manage this right now other than booking in a chat with the teacher.

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Original poster

taylormaid1 · 28/01/2022 13:16

My son is 3 and 3 months

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TonkinLenkicks · 28/01/2022 13:22

In comparison, DD who is 19 months ran to her key worker this morning as her key worker shouted ‘my favourite girl!’ Across the car park. DD walked through the door without looking back. That’s the sign of a good nursery and honestly I’d be looking for somewhere else. I know it’s difficult but when it comes to them, half arsed and non caring is just not an option

TonkinLenkicks · 28/01/2022 13:25

Although just to add my DS went to the same nursery and was distraught when I left. I would always look through the window and I could see that they were comforting him and giving him extra cuddles. They would often call me mid morning just to let me know that he was totally fine after 10 minutes because they didn’t want me worrying all day

ZooKeeper19 · 28/01/2022 14:31

We have a camera in our nursery where parents can have a peek, and from what I can see the kids are all happy, they are well behaved, have independent play and guided play, and they generally seem to thrive (from what I can see at drop-off/pick-ups).

If he is unhappy, and they say "stop crying" I would question the setting. My son was very clingy and unsettled for weeks and I had a few calls asking me to come get him as he is not feeling OK and he just needs more time. He still is not thrilled to go in but he comes home with a big smile and he does enjoy his time there.

Do not worry about moving him, kids adapt so so quickly, when he finds the right setting he will change into a much happier child. I'd look around see what you can find.

Fruitellaa · 28/01/2022 14:40

I think a chat with them is definitely best and go in with open questions about what’s happening.

I don’t think it’s healthy to tell children to stop crying and would tell them how I felt about that! It’s the emotional equivalent of telling a grazed knee to stop bleeding - tears are part of healing and will come to a natural end when the adults have soothed the child.

What do you mean when you say he’s stressed? Is he settled when you leave him? And what’s he like when you pick him up - is he desperate to see you or does he seem settled and involved in play when you arrive?

It’s ages til mid summer so I would have a chat with the manager and give it a bit more time before you make any decisions about work.

GiltEdges · 28/01/2022 14:43

@TonkinLenkicks

In comparison, DD who is 19 months ran to her key worker this morning as her key worker shouted ‘my favourite girl!’ Across the car park. DD walked through the door without looking back. That’s the sign of a good nursery and honestly I’d be looking for somewhere else. I know it’s difficult but when it comes to them, half arsed and non caring is just not an option

I’m not sure this is particularly helpful. Not every child will go running and skipping into nursery, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re unhappy there generally or that the setting is bad for them.

TonkinLenkicks · 31/01/2022 21:08

@GiltEdges yes I know. See my post underneath the one you reference.

PugInTheHouse · 31/01/2022 22:28

My DS1 cried for a couple weeks when starting pre-school (he was 2 and only went twice a week) but after that I can only describe them as being like our extended family. The children were treated like their own and they were truly amazing staff.

Not every child will adore going but how the staff deal with this would be the deciding factor for me. Telling a 3 yo to stop crying does not sound caring in the slightest.

Tee20x · 31/01/2022 22:36

My daughter cried at drop offs for her first 2-3 weeks & then when it came to pick up time she was so overwhelmed that she hadn't been abandoned she would cry and crawl to me as fast as she could.

I think you should spend a bit of time at the nursery and go with your gut feeling. Staff at my nursery are always around to chat, give me a run through of the day etc.

What is it like when you collect? How do the other kids seem?

Can't stress enough to go with your gut tho

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 31/01/2022 23:03

@TonkinLenkicks

In comparison, DD who is 19 months ran to her key worker this morning as her key worker shouted ‘my favourite girl!’ Across the car park. DD walked through the door without looking back. That’s the sign of a good nursery and honestly I’d be looking for somewhere else. I know it’s difficult but when it comes to them, half arsed and non caring is just not an option

I’m hoping either DD has a one to one key worker or there’s still a staggered arrival time?

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 31/01/2022 23:08

@taylormaid1

My son has started one recently and really doesn't like it-

They keep telling him to "stop crying" we have already moved him once so not keen to again!

They don't seem to loving or respectful of the kids, I get it they see so many but something isn't working we're having a battle each morning to get him there..

I'm thinking of arranging a chat with teacher?

Oops, sorry! Meant to ask if you have actually seen this yourself? If so then definitely move him. You won’t be comfortable otherwise.

SallyLovesCheese · 31/01/2022 23:17

My DS is a similar age, OP, and attends a private nursery a few days a week. He loves it there. They seem great: children generally seem happy being dropped off and the staff always chat for a minute about the day if the parent wants to or if they need to. I can't imagine any of them telling a child to stop crying. Actually, last week my son was upset one morning when DH dropped him off (not sure why) and the key worker actually messaged me to ask if there might be a reason he was so sad. And then one of the subsequent observations that day was that they'd been "discussing feelings".

So, I'd perhaps get clarification from the nursery about telling your DS to stop crying (I'm assuming he's said to you that's what they said to him, so possibly not exactly what happened) first, but if you feel it's not the right nursery for you then just move him. There are plenty out there who would perhaps be a better fit.

MaeveDidIt · 31/01/2022 23:30

I visited 4 until I found the right one.
2 were private and the staff were utterly awful.
Trust your instincts and keep looking for the one until you feel it is right.
I gauged it by my DS (and myself) feeling like we could stay for hours because it was such a lovely environment with lovely friendly staff.

Bakewelltart987 · 31/01/2022 23:37

Why have you already switched from 1 nursery? I have worked in nurseries children need time to settle in and switching nurseries will not have helped that. We had one child that would come in every morning in tears an minutes after mum left he was fine mum didn't believe how fast he settled once she was gone so sat outside the room to check we weren't lying but he was fine.

Original poster

taylormaid1 · 01/02/2022 16:53

@SallyLovesCheese thanks for sharing your experience.

My son is very articulate and aware, he is usually very spot on with things people say/do and I believe him when he says that they (2 teachers) told him to stop crying that what made him "more sad"

He then said "I didn't like that"

I'm trying to get a meeting with the prep head but haven't heard back from her just yet (emailed on Friday)

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Yebbie · 01/02/2022 17:00

My toddler went to a childminder and would scream and cry and say no when we even drove towards her house. Even after 6 months!

Switched him to a nursery where now he runs in barely looks back, asks to go to even on the weekends, and loves his little friends there. He cried that his key worker wasn't coming for Christmas Day at our house.

You know when you've found the right fit, sounds like this isn't it. Don't get me wrong it took my toddler a little while to get to this point but he never once screamed to go home from nursery apart from that first morning. I regret pushing on with the childminder for so long.

ChocolateMassacre · 01/02/2022 17:19

I remember my DS having a big wobble once last year about going to nursery, which was unusual for him as normally he was fine. The nursery staff let me stand in the corner of the outside space until DS was distracted by a chasing game and then I left. They sent me pictures half an hour later of him having a great time. If I'd had to drop and run, they would have taken crying DS, given him a cuddle and then tried to distract him with an activity.