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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex keeps contacting me - update

26 replies

ston · 28/01/2022 12:55

I posted on the 1st Jan that my ex that broke up with me in July 2021 to ‘travel’ and ‘work abroad for 2 years’ had randomly text me “I don’t know how you feel but I miss you.”

He then proceeded to tell me that his heart broke when he broke mine and that ‘he made his decision as he thought it was the right decision.’ He said it’s the hardest decision he’s ever made and said ‘who’s to say I got it right.’

I was stern with him and said well you broke up with me because you wanted to go travelling / work abroad for 2 years (we’re 25 and we’re together 5 years). I did say that I did obviously miss him but he broke my heart.

He said he’s sorry for everything he put me through and that he thinks of me a lot. Blah blah

The issue is he has been texting me every few days since that first text, sometimes for days. Then we both agree we shouldn’t be speaking this much. I was much less bothered about him when he text me then, but now I feel like I’m reverting back to where I was.

He has said stuff like we could get back together and then he might realise he can’t be away from me for 3 years total. But then he said but he could still decide to go away? I’m like ok… I know it is wrong to get back with him as he has not done the things he broke up with me for. And I wasn’t good enough for him not to break up with me before. By the way he never ever discussed with me about him travelling or working abroad before he did it, and didn’t ask my opinion on what should happen with our relationship.

He isn’t telling me anything concrete like I miss you so much, regret what I did and want to get back together. I know speaking to him is bad for me because it will end badly. I have started looking at who he is following on Instagram again and he keeps following loads of girls. He kept trying to say he hasn’t got with anyone, and trying to ask me if I have in the 6 months we’ve been broken off.

I just feel like he wanted some ego validation / boosting and he’s got it. I do believe that it could have just been the wrong timing and he has apologised for not communicating during our whole relationship. I want to tell him to just stop and block him on everything but I feel I’m holding on.

Help me with this pleaseee

OP posts:
JbSmCn · 28/01/2022 12:59

Stop.

He's booty calling you.

He dumped you because he wanted to go travelling and have the freedom to fuck who her wanted without feeling guilty.

He's now realised that the grass isn't greener, and is trying to slide back into your life.

Why on earth would you want to waste a second on this bloke?

You don't have to talk to him, text him, acknowledge him or have anything to do with him. You owe him nothing. Send him one text saying "I don't want to talk to you anymore". Then block and delete.

layladomino · 28/01/2022 13:02

I beg you to block him and try to forget him. He's messing with your head. Possibly to boost his ego, possibly because he does feel guilty about how he dropped you. There's even a chance that he regrets what he did, but it's more likely one of the other options.

You'd started getting over him and now you're getting those feelings back. If he was a kind person he wouldn't do that to you.

Do you have the strength to say to him 'apology accepted, now please stop contacting me as I've moved on'? And mean it.

If he has a genuine regret for what he did and wants to try again, he can say so. If he doesn't you've lost nothing by ending the conversation but will have kept your dignity and pride, and protected yourself from more hurt.

Santahasjoinedww · 28/01/2022 13:03

He
Wants
A
Shag

Block him op.

MananaTomorrow · 28/01/2022 13:05

I agree

Block him. As you said, he broke your heart. He doesn’t deserve all the attention you are giving him now.

And he isnt REALLY wanting to make things better either. Just to have things his ways again.

Seriously. Block him all the way.

JustKittenAround · 28/01/2022 20:03

He’s getting at the very least attention from you. Attention he doesn’t deserve as he is nothing to you now but a past boyfriend.

Ignore him. If he really wanted to patch things up he’d make it happen.

It’s lonely out traveling much of the time, I can speak as someone who broke up with a boyfriend and went traveling. I am glad I broke up to this day and wouldn’t have dreamed of playing with his emotions.

Hopefully you’ll see this for what it is. Him not even dreaming you’d be moved on or doing your own thing. Which you should be right?

TracyMosby · 28/01/2022 20:05

I dont understand why you havent blocked him?

Pinkbonbon · 28/01/2022 20:13

He sounds like a headfucking prick tbh.

'Hey so. I think I'd like to be moving on with my life now. All the best with your new job. But this is goodbye from me. I'd ask that you do not contact me again. Ta qnd cheerio!'

Then once he has read it, block. Don't reply to anything else he sends.

Aderyn21 · 28/01/2022 20:18

You were together for 5 years and he dumped you to go travelling. Have done pride and block him. As pp have said, he's realised that women aren't queuing up to shag him and do he's sniffing around you again.
You deserve someone for whom you are their first choice, their priority in life. You won't meet that someone if you waste time on your loser ex!

Pegsonstrings · 28/01/2022 21:42

I know when my ex did this, I wanted it so badly to be because he wanted me in his life. I wanted it so much. Every time he got in contact all sweet and nice again like whatever he has said when tearing me apart when he left, i really wanted it to be because he wanted me for everything, not just a ten minute shag or as a time filler while something better turned up. It took some time for me to grow a pair and stop reacting to his messages and just let him go. So I know how much you want it to be different to what it is, but no one who wants you would never let you go in the first place. Never. So if he let you go so easily then you must ask yourself why you are giving him so much headspace. My life improved massively after I let my ex go. It was years ago now but I still remember how he hurt me. Just let your ex go x

hivemindneeded · 28/01/2022 21:58

He's doing something deeply manipulative, even if he's not aware of it. What he wants is to be the Big Adventurer while you stay home pining for him. He's worried that as time passes you might stop pining so he's trying to top up the pine!

I hope the more he does it, the more you think what a tedious, self absorbed child-man he is. I also hope you are having a fabulous life of your own and making your own plans.

2DogsOnMySofa · 28/01/2022 22:04

Block him. He's using you to relieve the boredom and for an ego boost

Normando91 · 28/01/2022 22:29

If he really wanted to be with you, he would be making that happen. But he’s literally telling you he doesn’t know if that’s what he wants. Why let him mess around with your head like that?

So you message him, thank him for acknowledging what a prick he has been, tell him you’ve had 6 months to think things over and realise how badly he hurt you and you have begun healing from that. You do not need to be led on by his need for what? An ego boost? A booty call? And that you will be blocking his number from here on out.
Hold your head high and stay firm on the decision. If he can’t guarantee right now that you are what he wants, then he can absolutely do one and enjoy his travels… if that even happens Hmm

Original poster
ston · 28/01/2022 22:51

I actually love all these responses

It’s clear I need to tell him to get lost. I will be strong and do it. Now he realises what he has lost.

OP posts:
hivemindneeded · 28/01/2022 23:06

Go and listen to by The Beautiful South. The video is a bit melodramatic but the words are fantastic.

Cherrysoup · 28/01/2022 23:21

You’ve posted so much about him.You need to block him, be strong and stop contacting him or you’ll never move on. He pissed off and left you and now you’re letting him creep back. He’s taking the piss.

JustKittenAround · 29/01/2022 07:04

I honestly wouldn’t tell him anything OP.

He told you he was going to travel and broke up with you. He said it all.

Ignore him and let him actually feel the adventure while you forge ahead with your own.

He fancies himself big traveler while he expects time to stand still in your world. Thankfully that is not the case. You are on your own adventure! You’ve got so much ahead of you!!!!

I wouldn’t have dreamed of leading on my ex or acting this way because I truly believed (rightfully so) he’d be having his own life adventure.

I wouldn’t explain it to him. I’d just not reply. He said all that he said, and he did all that he did. It’s time for you if you wish, to see what is out there for you!

You’re first prize and never second rate.

If he respected you and felt you were on his level he wouldn’t be like this. He deserves nothing but the silence his actions have earned.

Just my opinion though… lots of soft hearts in these woods. So weigh it out

turnaroundtime · 31/01/2022 06:54

Where is he messaging from OP? Is he abroad or still local?

poetryandwine · 01/02/2022 15:25

He sounds similar to my long ago ex. I am firmly with PPs. When I finally made up my mind that we were over and started to grey rock the guy (unfortunately we worked together) life opened up in ways I had only dreamt of before.

Best wishes to you. I know the first couple of months after blocking can be hard. It is the time to treat yourself very well!

LampLighter414 · 01/02/2022 16:34

You're 25. Do you have kids?

You're a young, single woman. You should be out there on the dating apps and meeting someone who actually wants to be here with you, right now. Not sat at home pining over some guy who swanned off with no warning to go see the world for 2 years and hope they can win you back ready in time for their return to blighty.

I bet if you met a nice lad for a few dates you'd suddenly feel in a completely different headspace and would tell your ex to do one and leave you alone.

TheFoundation · 01/02/2022 18:02

@ston

I actually love all these responses

It’s clear I need to tell him to get lost. I will be strong and do it. Now he realises what he has lost.

I wouldn't bother to tell him how you feel. Let him feel the loss of having none of your headspace at all.

When I went through a breakup, someone told me 'Silence is dignity' and I'm so glad they did. Years down the line, walking silently away will be what you look back on most proudly.

Planetzero · 01/02/2022 18:33

So has he been travelling and working abroad since July when he ended it? Or is he all talk?

me4real · 01/02/2022 19:25

we could get back together and then he might realise he can’t be away from me

So you are supposed to play 'pick me' and he just might decide to be with you properly, if you behave exactly as he likes? Or just based on his whim?

No way, @ston , he can fuck right off.

Now he realises what he has lost.

I don't think he does, he just wants you as an added extra. He can use you for whatever he wants and still do whatever he wants without being truly commited to you.

Catlover1970 · 02/02/2022 18:29

@JbSmCn

Stop.

He's booty calling you.

He dumped you because he wanted to go travelling and have the freedom to fuck who her wanted without feeling guilty.

He's now realised that the grass isn't greener, and is trying to slide back into your life.

Why on earth would you want to waste a second on this bloke?

You don't have to talk to him, text him, acknowledge him or have anything to do with him. You owe him nothing. Send him one text saying "I don't want to talk to you anymore". Then block and delete.

Cant believe you are still banging on about him! MOVE ON.
Mmhmmn · 15/08/2023 22:12

ston · 28/01/2022 22:51

I actually love all these responses

It’s clear I need to tell him to get lost. I will be strong and do it. Now he realises what he has lost.

Yes! Onwards and upwards OP.

I totally agree with this

"no one who wants you would never let you go in the first place. Never."

This is not the same but not that different either. In my 20s was with a guy who I had to dump because he was messing about so much. He was relieved and just didn't want to be the one to do the dumping.
His fried saw me out with a new guy

Hey presto about a week later ex turned up saying he wanted me back. I was thrilled, dropped the new guy, and was then dropped myself by the ex who realised all over again that he didn't want me after all. Turned up at my office years later and evidently thought I was still interested. I'd been in a new relationship for years by this point (not that that is the main point).

The point is just recognising the absolute arrogance of men that think they can drop you and pick you up and drop you again, ad nauseum

Mmhmmn · 15/08/2023 22:14

Oh wow, old old post 😂