OH now attracted to me now I've lost weight. I have no sex drive !!

[veevee04]

On the back of the other thread. My OH admitted he wasn't attracted to me about 1.5 years ago we only had sex once a fortnight and I felt I had to beg for affection. I've lost 4 stone in weight recently taking care of my appearance getting my hair , nails done , facials .

My OH keeps pawing at me and now wants me. I find it grim and my sex drive has died. I just find him so shallow I know it's normal to be unattracted when someone has piled on the weight but the U turn he has pulled is putting me off. It's either all or nothing starved from affection to full on groping .

How can I get over this? I'm still the same person I've just lost weight and had my hair done

Hopefully he will calm down. He clearly fancies you more and is acting like a child in a sweet shop.

If your relationship is otherwise good, talk to him, be honest. Talk about how it makes you feel. Point out that pawing and groping is never attractive or sexy.

Do you still fancy him?

I'm sorry you've been through this. It must have been difficult to manage.

Do you still want to be with him?

I think I'd be constantly paranoid about whether I was attractive enough if my DP behaved like yours.

I can understand why you'd be annoyed and reluctant! My dh is is in no way perfect, but I was 4 stones overweight ten years ago and he still wanted me and told me I was attractive. I was very slim when we met. I'm slim again now, and when I think back, I'm happy that he obviously does love me for me, not what I look like.
Maybe explain to him how you feel? It was cruel of him to say he wasn't attracted to you.

I can completely understand why you feel the way you do.
Of course you want to be loved no matter what weight.
The way your husband is acting makes it seem he only values you when your weight is down.
That’s heartbreaking.

My husband did something similar. He didn't tell me he found me unattractive, but suddenly started taking a keen interest after I lost weight (I had just over a stone to lose), got into a regular exercise regime again and my hair grew long. Also decided he was in love with me again, when years before (he'd forgotten he'd said so 🤔) told me he was not.

I too found it very shallow and upsetting. I'm no longer with him, and decided to send our marriage. I no longer found him attractive, but for many reasons not necessarily involving appearance.

I'd find it shallow and off-putting.
To be not worthy of even affection, cuddles, caring even besides sex to over the top groping.

How's his physique these days? It had better be perfect for him to be able to come from a place of such judgement.
Some men are very visual when it comes to attraction. Women are more emotional in general ( always exceptions either way). I think you want him to feel about attraction the way you do, but I don't think it's like that for him and that is just the way he is - attraction is not love so it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
However, groping is never attractive, never acceptable, your body is not his possession to touch whenever he feels like it. Was he like that when you first met or has his inability to override his instincts with reasoned thought and respect always been there? It's about time he learnt that that behaviour is not on.

I don't think you can get over this properly.

I put a bit of weight on during peri menopause and could tell DH wasn't really attracted to me. When I started to lose the weight, he started pawing at me, grab a breast, that sort of thing, and expect me to respond. I had zero interest in him. It scared me to think that his attraction to me hadn't developed into something deeper beyond my physical appearance after so many years together.

If dh was 4 stone overweight I don’t think I’d want to have sex with him.

I’d still love him.

@crlautum

I don't think you can get over this properly.

I put a bit of weight on during peri menopause and could tell DH wasn't really attracted to me. When I started to lose the weight, he started pawing at me, grab a breast, that sort of thing, and expect me to respond. I had zero interest in him. It scared me to think that his attraction to me hadn't developed into something deeper beyond my physical appearance after so many years together.

This is it!! I keep panicking what if I had an amputation or was wheel chair bound not very likely but makes me think he would be off because my appearance wasn't sexy anymore . It's very sad isn't it

Yes you are resentful of the fact he wasn't there for you when you had gained weight.

You are sensing that in the future if you were to need him when suffering/changing, he may not be there for you.

It is like this in many relationships, when men need women, women tend to step up.
When women need men, men tend to step down.

In varying degrees.
Bit of a generalisation but I have seen it a lot.

You really need to talk to him and tell him how his behaviour has made you feel.

I can understand why it is so hurtful and unsettling for you, he might just have no clue what his behaviour is communicating, is he otherwise a good partner? How is the rest of your relationship?

I suppose men are more visual but that is not an excuse to treat you badly: to withhold affection for not being attracted enough, or to start pawing at you when you become more attractive. Neither of those behaviors is kind, both treat you like an object: a wanted object, or an unwanted object.

If men's attraction is driven by visual stimuli, women's attraction is just as validly driven by the way a man treats them. It's not surprising that you have no sex drive because he hasn't treated you well nor done anything to stimulate your trust and attraction to him.

@veevee04 yes I totally get what you mean. I used to wonder the same as you. It's not so sad for me now as I divorced him because he was sleeping with other woman. What I do find sad is that us woman can put so much faith in a man for so long and they can crush it in an instant the minute something about our physical appearance changes.

@Fluffycloudland77

If dh was 4 stone overweight I don’t think I’d want to have sex with him.

I’d still love him.

I agree, I was going to say the same thing.

I don't think it's a case of 'withholding affection when someone is overweight - it's not a popular opinion, but I really wouldn't find my DH physically attractive if he was overweight, I'd definitely not be wanting to have sex with him - so if he did gain a lot of weight and then lose it, that attraction would probably come back.

Which I don't think is a bad thing but I guess it's how you act on that. Maybe your OH thinks (in that man way) that he's flattering you by showing you how much he wants you. Just talk to him about it and tell him straight up that you find it a turn off.

I'd still love my DH of course, more than anything but the sex thing, I view differently as that's a physical act and the lust would be gone.

This sounds like the end of the road for your relationship. I don’t think his behaviour is as straight forward as some people here make out. Try and take a step back and work out if you think he’s actually “pawing at you” or if he’s just gone back to what was previously your normal and you’ve actually got the ick?

He may have loved you but not felt “in the mood” when you were larger and by all means sound like you were a bit down on yourself given its not just weight you’ve improved on recently . Would you have rather he iniated then when his heart wasn’t in it? It might have made you feel worse if you had picked up that vibe.

Now you are on a path of self improvement he’s found that spark again. In a long term relationship you can bounce of eachother. You feeling more attractive confident and happy may be driving his feelings just as much as your actual weight loss.

I would talk to him about the pawing and have a long think about whether your “ick” is curable.

Ask yourself, why did you stay previously when you felt badly treated? Has that changed?

YABU. His response is natural. Unless he made some inappropriate /rude comments before you lost weight I think you should try to understand that physical attraction for most humans relies heavily on physical appearance

When in a committed relationship, surely attraction goes beyond the physical? I find myself occasionally attracted to people who aren't conventionally attractive but because they are kind or intelligent, for instance.

Men may be more triggered by physical appearance (some or most?) but does that mean they have no understanding how it must feel like to be the OP. If the OP's DH now finds her more attractive that's fine but think about how you communicate that. I imagine few women want to feel objectified?

But you’re not the same person. In addition to losing 4 stone, you’ve gained confidence and pride, those two things alone are very attractive. Have a conversation with your H and listen to what he says instead of coming to conclusions based on your own bias.

If it were me I'd have told him to do one a long time ago. He didn't find you attractive.! WTF is he an Italian stallion.
Fat or skinny you're still the same person.

I think you are being unfair. And possibly subconsciously taking it out on him.
For most people - if their partner piled on 25kg - their attractiveness would significantly diminish. Attractiveness is a physical instinct. It is not shallow or not - it’s not something one can control.
Love is emotional. Love is a feeling about you as a whole person. And he didn’t stop loving you.

It feels like you are now punishing him for not wanting you when you were bigger. And for forcing you to lose weight. However,
you don’t have to be this weight and control your diet. But don’t make it about him, or punish him. It’a your issue.
You can leave him, put the weight back on and meet someone who would find you attractive at that weight.

Are you sure it's the weight loss rather than because you're making an effort with your appearance and have got more confidence now? Did you used to make a similar effort when you first got together and got complacent like most people?