This could be long - apologies in advance!
I started a new job early last year. It was a difficult time to be honest, and still is - me and my partner split after 11 years. We don't have children. The stress of that and my new job became too much at one point and I went off sick. During my time off I became close to my manager. We had met a few times before that (wfh and covid restrictions meant we were not in the office all the time) I felt an attraction but tried to ignore it. I also have low self esteem and I suppose didn't really believe it. I'm mid 30's and he is 50.
While I was off we chatted quite a bit. I opened up about my mental health (the reason I was off) and he told me about how he felt during the breakdown of his marriage. I confided in him. It was a bleak time and I had some dark thoughts during that time. He would call me every day sometimes more than that, and we ended up chatting in the evenings about things unrelated to work. I liked him, and in a weak moment I asked him out for a drink. He told me we shouldn't due to our roles (HR policy says relationships should be avoided between a manager and team member) I felt mortified and apologised.
The chat became flirty after that, initiated by him, and we did end up going for a drink a week or so later. Long story short we spent a weekend together, he invited me over and insisted I stayed. We did sleep together.
This was 3 months ago. It's still on my mind a lot. After the weekend I sent a couple of texts, including the next morning which he didn't reply to until the next day., I was basically ghosted. Carried on as normal at work - however felt gutted. Christmas came and went and I felt miserable. I'd told him it would be my first Christmas alone and he promised he'd call, he didn't.. although he did have his daughter with him.
I blocked him on what's app after wishing him well for a funeral he had to attend, where he didn't reply. I stupidly unblocked recently and he called and messaged me about something work related. I ignored and emailed instead.
At one point, recently I felt very low and disappointed and told him I felt sad that we don't talk anymore, he told me he is trying to keep professional and consider my interests as a team member first. I accept it. I'm applying for jobs and trying to get out. I switch between feeling hopeful that he'll get in touch to see me after we no longer work together, to sad that he might not, and missing him at work. He has an interview coming up in another department
When he is in the office he'll arrange meetings with me about things that are irrelevant, and last week he asked me to put my camera on during a zoom meeting, and told me seeing me would be the highlight of the meeting. When we are not in the office together I feel sad and I think he knows that. I keep finding things that might tell me he likes me. Although I also feel he flirts with other female team members.. and this makes me jealous, although I could be imagining it.
I'm not sure I've been used but feel like I have. I need to move on but don't know how