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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OK... so just HOW stupid have I been?

19 replies

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 15:24

Some time ago I started this thread here about the issues I was having with my DP. We decided to stay together and try and work things out.

A couple of months later I found a text showing that he had seen her again - dropped in on his way back from somewhere. Lots of kisses and "can't wait to see you". We had the inevitable row but we ended up sticking it out again.

I have had absolutely no way of trusting him again since finding out he completely ignored me and thought it was ok to see her again (in the name of making a bit of money - I told him not).

This morning I have discovered that there is an entry in his phonebook that is not quite what it seems. It is a mans name but I found a message with a X (kiss) after it. Chatty kind of text in reply to another - no other messages to and from this "bloke". I'm not that stupid - he must be selectively deleting text messages again. I got a friend to ring the number and it sounds like it's the same one (regional accent!)

I need some strength and support here - I need to leave the loser this time, don't I? I just don't want to change my mind again.

So, really, just how stupid have I been?

OP posts:

ArmadilloDaMan · 29/12/2007 15:27

he's the stupid one, not you.

HE's the one that was given another chance and decided to throw it away.

HE's an adult who makes these desicions for himself and you cannot be held responsible or feel stupid or guilty for things HE has done.

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 15:29

Do you reckon I am right in thinking there is just no chance for us? It wouldn't be "my fault" would it, for not giving it another go or anything daft?

OP posts:

ArmadilloDaMan · 29/12/2007 15:34

\you gave him another chance.

HE decided to fuck it up.

It was his decision not yours.

So if you were forced to end things because of his behaviour then it would be his fault not yours.

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 15:47

I guess I know all this really; the writing is on the wall and all that. It's going to be sooooooo hard with DS. Bugger.

OP posts:

ArmadilloDaMan · 29/12/2007 15:58

IT's not going to be easy.

But remember it was him that did this, not you.

It was him who decided to break up your family and relationship.

He has done this, not you. Don't ever take the blame for it.

lapiNewYear · 29/12/2007 16:02

You're not stupid. You tried to make it work. He's a wanker, she's a bitch from hell. Do NOT blame yourself.

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 16:09

Thanks Armadillo and Lapin.

I just feel like I am likely to cave again as I have somehow (evidently) found myself to be weak and pathetic. It's somehow beene asier to stay. I have never been happy since the time he contacted her again though. It's been eating away at me.

OP posts:

ArmadilloDaMan · 29/12/2007 16:16

He's the weak and pathetic one - he didn't give up the woman even though he knew what he was risking.

You gave him another chance - that's a hard thing to do, not a weak thing.

Get angry with him. It's him that has caused this, it is him that is weak and pathetic, it is him that is stupid.

In no way is it you. YOu have worked to save this, you have been strong and tried to hold it together.

cheeset · 29/12/2007 16:30

OMG hes calling her 'baby'? Thats a term of endearment for someone really really close.

Sorry, you may not want to hear this but IMHO he's been seeing her.

No, you can't trust him because he just cannot be honest, even about bl seeing her.

IMO he doesn't love you, how can he, he's seeing someone else?

So sorry, this must be really shitty for you. I feel gutted for you, brings it all back, those awful sicky loss of appetite feelings.

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 16:31

I'm finding it difficult to get angry - I feel a bit numb in a way and I'm afraid that I will numbly slip back into the status quo I suppose.

In some ways I haven;t tried to hold things together - I have just been doing "things that need doing" and they do not include sex with someone I can't trust, so suffice to say we have had some issues there. They do include doing all the chores and general running about.

My work will be difficult too as I sometimes have to work late into the night and occassionally stay overnight.

It's not worth the deceit and lack of respect though, is it?

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 16:32

x-posts Cheeset. Funny you should say that - I keep looking in the pantry and I don't fancy anything to eat...

OP posts:

cheeset · 29/12/2007 16:35

You do not deserve this sh**, only when you realise this, you will act.

He must be a bl good bloke in other ways,is he or why else would you put up with it?

Do you feel like he treats you like a princess?

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 16:38

Not at all no. He's a self centred rude shit most of the time. We just go back a long way

OP posts:

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 16:43

Feelinglostandlonely..... Life changes, we all adapt. You arn't losing anything worthwhile. Think of all the shirts, sock and underpants you dont have to launder again. Thats a time saving of 3 hours a week at least.
As for work, talk to them. Have you put your name down on the housing register?

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 16:52

Work are quite easy about things - I'm the director! It's just the type of work I do necessitates odd hours from time to time.

What's a housing register? I'm financially independent (apart from DP leeching off me constantly) so I shouldn't have much trouble renting. Through an ill-advised move I no longer have any property of my own though, so it will be renting.

OP posts:

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 17:07

Being independant means you don't need to know about the housing register.
Are you independant enough to have a live in? For those evenings, or are they likely to be arranged far enough in advance to have a regular babysitter etc. I did read on another post about a company that does 'Nannies on Call' or something like it. A sort of emergency nanny service, Any help ladies?
You are a director of your own company, you have the ability to deal with problems, just treat these problems as something that needs sorting with a set time frame. Once you get the ball rolling and start eliminating the problems the leaving part becomes much easier. Don't freeze.

Original poster

feelinglostandlousy · 29/12/2007 17:15

Weeelllll... I'm independant but I will need to work more to afford to leave. I was on maternity leave for 2 years and have been working a couple of days a week or less for the last year and a bit as I wanted to be with my son more than work. I need to find more work to up my hours. Luckily I have a small financial buffer which should last for a couple of months or so.

I have a lovely childminder and I guess we could come to some kind of agreement over awkward hours, or restrict those hours to the days DP has DS.

Those are the words... "Don't freeze"

OP posts:

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 17:32

Good on you. Step one start a list of all the worse things you can think of, as you say, not being able to sort the childminding. And then work out a way around it. The only problem that is rather insurmountable is death and you are a long way from that. Hey put that as the first item, then tick it off as hubby/mother/insurance.... sorted.

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 17:35

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you could be entitled to some benefits anyway, if you go your own way. I think tax credits gives you a certain amount towards childcare (never used it so not sure how it works), and you would need to be making a stonking amount as a single parent not to be entitled to it.

Flip