Books/podcasts/help to stop me reliving my traumatic teens

[RuminatingAgain]

I love my life now and have a wonderful husband, however, lately I have started ruminating on my past and I know this is bad for me. I have a chronic illness and feel the stress of reliving negative stuff affects my symptoms. On the other hand I enjoy ruminating and thinking about what I could say to my DM about how she failed me when I was a teenager (I have a good relationship with her and her partner is ill so I don't want to bring it all up now).

I have only quite recently realised how bad my teen years were. I had previously been ashamed of how I behaved and felt I deserved what happened but now I feel differently. My dm left my physically violent df when I was 14 for another man and then prioritised this man over me. I was left with my df, who I did not have a good relationship with and who was not emotionally caring to me. I started skipping school, drinking, having sex with older men, sniffing glue. Nobody noticed or cared. By 16 I was pregnant and became a single mother. Still living with my difficult df. At 18 I moved in with an older man who I now realise was coercively controlling. He was vile. Again nobody did anything to help get me out, boost my self esteem etc. My dm lived with her partner and had a spare room but I wasn't allowed to stay with them and my df relished telling me how she didn't want me now, I was inconvenient to her etc. This might have been true but why tell me that? Why not tell me how he loved and treasured me?

I eventually got out and after sleeping on df's sofa with my son for a while I got my own flat and my life began to get better and I very luckily met my dh who is a lovely caring father and husband. So I know I should concentrate on this positive present and not my horrible past, but it rears its ugly head now and again. Lately it's because I heard a podcast that described coercive control and how it can escalate to violence and danger and I feel so angry that nobody recognised this or did anything. But I also find reading about coercive control very validating, that this behaviour is now recognised as abuse. Getting angry about it feels good at the time but I know that I am only hurting myself by going over these negative events in the period of my life when I was so unhappy and vulnerable and my family didn't do enough to help me.

I regret so badly that I missed out on so much between 14 and 20. Going to uni, having fun, going to raves! I even feel envious of people who took ecstacy etc which I never did as I had a child. I never made any really good, supportive friends either.

So I would like some advice about how to put this behind me and stop my mind going over what happened. I think part of it is I want to be sure I don't forget any details, in case I do have a conversation with my dm one day (my df is dead so I feel that side of things is resolved). Or - this would be so satisfying to me- if the police ever contacted me to ask me about the coercive controlling bastard because he must have carried on doing it to other women, probably worse. Thank you for reading this far.

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear about everything you went through in your childhood, and I'm glad you now realise it was not your fault. Well done as well for breaking the cycle of abuse and creating a happy life for yourself.

I don't have any book or podcast recommendations but thought you might benefit with some sessions with a therapist to help you examine and resolve your feelings. Is that something you've considered?

If that's not an option, I wonder if it might help you to write everything down as an exercise? When I had therapy my therapist recommended writing as a really helpful way to process my feelings and get them out of my brain. When I find myself ruminating or fixating on the same thoughts I find writing can help me break out of the spiral and 'release' the negative stuff in my brain. It could also help you feel that you have recorded all the details if you ever need to refer back to them, but then try and draw a line under it and put the record away somewhere safe.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/ulterior-motives/200910/trauma-and-the-benefits-writing-about-it

Hopefully other people will come along with some recommendations of things you can read and listen to as well.

Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD is excellent. There are excerpts on his website you can check out. Good luck OP.

I would try and drop the judgement on whether or not it's bad that you are reliving your past. You just are. It is your personal history. Therapy might help you integrate but you can't banish it. Often when we push it away it rears back up in staggering strength, or that has been my experience anyway. Lean in.

Sorry to hear of your experiences OP.

Echoing that Pete Walker is brilliant. There is an interview with him on this podcast:
www.rickhanson.net/being-well-podcast-complex-ptsd-and-developmental-trauma/

He has great advice for dealing with emotional flashbacks, and recovering a sense of healthy anger.

Arielle Schwartz has some useful info on her website and several books out.
drarielleschwartz.com/
The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook is very good.

Kristin Neff is good on self-compassion:
self-compassion.org/

A fantastic book is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. The Insight Timer app has tonnes of free TedX talks, guided mediation, resources etc that I find incredibly helpful to empower me to accept, forgive and move on. I hope you are able to process your past and find peace.

Thank you all so much for replying, it honestly means so much that you all recognise that I was a victim and not just a 'bad girl' who deserved everything, which I felt was my family's opinion.

I'm nearly 50 now so I don't know how I've kept this pushed down so successfully until now, but thinking about it, I had a blip of feeling angry when my sons were around the age I was when things started to go wrong, and now I have a granddaughter who is almost 15. I just can't fathom the idea of her experiencing what I did and nobody caring, or ignoring that she had self-harm marks on her hands

Thank you for all your links and recommendations, I am going to look in to every one of them. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me.

I would LOVE to have therapy and to sit and unload to someone who wouldn't judge me or be upset by what I said, but I can't afford it at the moment. But I have now started writing things down when they pop into my head, and then trying to be done with them. I'm going to write it all in a secure online diary.

Thanks again everyone

I never took ecstasy -- didn't know it was all that. Nor went to raves.

I'd listen to comedy podcasts if I were OP.

Your family of origin made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

Its worth contacting BACP registered therapists via their website in your area as some offer a scale of fees. Lack of current funds should not be a barrier to you here.

So glad the responses helped OP. Validation can be such a powerful thing. You truly deserved so much better.

Although I haven't read it all, 'Waking the Tiger' by Peter Levine might also be worth a look.

All the best to you 💐 and good luck with your reading xx

OP, I know you said that you can't afford therapy, but some therapy can be affordable if you do a Google or search in local Facebook groups.
I've had therapy in London from Metanoia which cost £20 per session.