loneliness and past abuse

[joshy95]

Hello to anyone who is willing or able to listen. I'm 26 and to cut a long story short my birth mother was and still is schizophrenic so I was given up to an adoptive mother who abused the living hell out of me. I spent the better part of 10 years running away from the latter relationship but I still had to learn how to wash my clothes, prepare food and look after myself without being screamed at. This website kept on popping up when I would Google advice, as I'm sure many of us have. My question now is how can I move past my pain and move past the fact that I'll never have a mum?

Hi OP, I'm a survivor of childhood abuse and loss too and have complex PTSD as a result, a lifelong mental health disorder.
I can tell you from personal experience that you will not get over this without counselling.
i managed to get NHS counselling.
Also ask if you have a mental health diagnosis, if you know whats wrong you can get the relevant self help books.
Its a very painful experience working through all the rubbish in your life with another person but so well worth it.
You need to find coping stategies whether it be medication or hobbies and concentrate on making friends, getting a job you love.
You can get over this but its very diofficult without help.
Good luck on your journey because it is a journey.

Hi op, so sorry this happened to you. My mother was a gaslighting narcissist who was in an abusive relationship that abandoned me for that man at a point in my childhood. Then went on to blame me for the reason she stayed. I was also yelled at too. My mom was basically my biggest bully.

I have been in therapy on and off for some time. Please seek that support. I think what helped me most is appreciating what I do have, which is myself and how I can always rely on myself and my resilience. So please find that in yourself.

Also, (I'm 27 btw) as hard as it was to forgive (not even the word I'd use) but to accept that my mother had issues and wasn't her best to be a mother to me. I am a peace with that but I think this is only something you feel with time, in your own time. Good luck op.

Becoming an adult means becoming your own parent, essentially. The 'pain' part of you is the part of you that's a child, and is still damaged. How can you take care of her? What does the pain part of you do that changes your life from what you want it to be? Anger? Sadness? Difficulties with relationships? Unpredictable mood?

And how do you respond to/feel about those emotional responses you have?

I fear I may have cptsd due to it, its so debilitating. I was such a high achiever but as soon as I escaped to university where no one was there to wreck my shit mentally or physically I just broke and haven't got my energy back since. I punish myself due to toxic shame, question myself even when I know I am right and make a lot of bad decisions but just feel too trapped down a well to do anything about it because I don't trust or love myself. I've tried speaking with professionals but I feel such despair

You're not trapped down a well any more than I am, or your next door neighbour is. The well is yours, and, as such, you are responsible for it. Not for 'getting out of it', but for making it not exist.

If you had a scared child to take care of, who felt there was nobody who loved her, and nobody she could trust, what sort of manner would you adopt when engaging with her? What attitude would you demonstrate to her?

I guess if a child felt that way in front of me I would kneel down to reduce my height, because being taller can be spooky to a younger person. Then I would ask them if they were okay and try to comfort them, assertain the problem. I would try to enquire but not push any boundaries. Give them a hug and comfort them, tell them it's gonna be alright. Is that right? I've read and empathise with all your comments by the way, still fighting with what to do

Can you see the difference between this:

'I punish myself due to toxic shame, question myself even when I know I am right and make a lot of bad decisions but just feel too trapped down a well to do anything about it because I don't trust or love myself'

and what you've just said about how you'd treat a child? With love and understanding, and sensitivity to their feelings and a desire to not perpetuate their fear/discomfort?

If you can see the difference between those two things, you've got the solution to your problem. Nobody can change how you see and treat yourself, except you. You are an adult. You are responsible. You have a child to take care of, and if you punish, shame, and question her, even when you know she's right, if you don't trust her or love her, then it makes sense that she will feel trapped down a well.

When she speaks/shouts/tantrums, listen to her. She will continue to be upset, like any of us would be, if she isn't heard. That's what happened to her in her early years; her needs were dismissed. And now you perpetuate this. Indulge her. What does she need? What does she cry for? Give her everything. If she needs to scream, go stand on a hill and scream. If she needs to cry, cry. If she needs to hide under a rock, spend as much time as you humanly can under a rock. Indulge her. Once she feels heard, she will stop freaking out, stop feeling trapped down a well. She will start to speak quietly, and say things like 'I don't like this situation, I want to go home', and 'I think this person might be being mean to me, I'd like to go somewhere else' If you continue to listen to her, that will be your self respect installed into you, and you won't look back.

Acting out is a healthy response to unhealthy circumstances, you do realise that, don't you? If you were unhealthy in your mind, you'd just have accepted all that stuff from your childhood without a blink. The fact that you're responding the way you are shows that you have boundaries, and you know they've been crossed. You are healthy, and continuing with the healthy responses you learned as a child. You just need to adapt, which is good news, because all of us, as humans, are brilliant at adapting.

Use your feelings as a signpost, rather than something to be shushed. You are silencing the map and then feeling lost. Listen to the guide inside you.

Your post made me feel so sad for you and bloody angry that your adopted mum abused you.
You may benefit from counselling, speak to your GP.
Life has given you a shit deal, but you can rise above it.
An abusive relationship has scarred me mentally and emotionally. It must be even worse to have been abused as a child.
I am just learning to be my own best friend. I try to have compassion for myself. I listen to my own needs and wants. I try to channel the anger I feel into exercise.
When my mood gets low, I make myself go for a walk in the park. I cook myself a nice meal. I cuddle up on the sofa with a hot water bottle and a rug and watch a box set or read a book. I listen to my emotions.
The crap I have been through, has made me more compassionate to others.
Forgive yourself for bad decisions, we all make them. Just learn from them and move forward.
Do not let your past define you, open yourself up to new friendships and new experiences.
Take good care of yourself. All the best.

The words you say, TheFoundation, have resonated with me and I'm stroll trying to process and digest them. Houstonjane, I hear you, thank you. Sounds like you've got a good grip of things as much as shit gets real. Wishing you all the best

If you are realising this at age 26 you're doing really well. Most of us don'tget there untillife beats the crap out of us. .

In answer to your question is yes you can absolutely move on from not having a loving mother. You need to grieve your fantasy of having a dependable and empathetic mother figure, lots of people including me didn't get lucky in that sense, then work on your self esteem and sense of self. Get rid of the shame and be the wonderful, flawed individual you were always meant to be like the rest of us wonderful flawed individuals.

Therapy and loads of self development work will help. You have a great life ahead of you.

Find a kind, “maternal” type woman therapist, who can “re-parent” you and give the unconditional, empathetic, non-judgmental presence that you birth+adopted mother never did. Shop around until you find the right therapist you click with. Then you will be able to “internalise” this presence and carry it with you for the rest of your life.

@MishWoking, yep, totally agree. Weirdly it's the paternal figure that reparented me. And it works, therapy really is life changing, thoroughly recommend it.

Agree with pp. I'm almost 50 and although I think I'm almost there I still have a wobble now and then so it's continuous self-care. @TheFoundation your post above is just lovely and I wished I had had that 20 years ago.