Think I’m about to become a single mum - need advice please

[JustPoppinBy]

This is probably going to be long winded, I am probably going to be emotional and most of you are probably going to be judging me for doing all the things ‘women aren’t supposed to do now’ but if you could try to bare with me I’d really appreciate any advice you could give. Thankyou.
My partner and I have been together for not far off 20 years; since we were teenagers. We have primary aged children and own a house together, but never married. I think our relationship is coming to an end, and have done for a while. The only reason I haven’t said that out loud is because I’m heartbroken at what this will do to our children and, also, because I can’t afford to just leave and don’t have the first clue about where I’d stand as a single mum. Since we had children I have only worked part time to fit around his work and being the main carer for our children, i currently have 10 hours a week on contract in a minimum wage job. We recently moved into the fourth house we have owned together, a decent sized 4 bed detached property, however if we were to split I wouldn’t be able to take much money wise from the house as, since the kids came along, he has taken care of the bills. My wages have always been for nursery fees and anything the kids need, although before kids I was working full time and then it was always 50/50. When we brought our first house I only put in around 5k, compared to his 50k (very different family backgrounds as well as he has always been the higher earner and I have always worked in low skill, low pay roles), and although our last house made us a good chunk of money to put into this one, like I said he has paid the vast majority of bills on that house and now this one. He also brought the car, i no longer have my own. I have about £300 in savings and monthly wages from my 10 hour a week job. I don’t really have any chance or moving me and the kids out do I 😔
He has always been the loveliest man but For quite a while now though he has been much more miserable on and off and he doesn’t have much patience for the children. He never hurts them physically but he shouts and swears at them, sometimes calls them names, and his whole tone with them can just be so miserable and intolerant. It makes my skin crawl, I have argued with him many times over it, even in front of the children (I know this is awful but sometimes the way he talks to them I just can’t bite my tongue!) which normally results in him being in a mood with me and not talking to me. To be completely honest, for me the horrible moods knock the love away, does that make sense? He IS a brilliant dad (minus the current complete lack of patience), does everything for us and takes us away often etc so when I first started seeing it I told myself to just grin and bear it for the childrens sake, because if we left I couldn’t give them a big house and security like this with multiple holidays a year and lots of lovely days out. Not to mention they love their dad, are really ‘family oriented’ kids and I didn’t want to break that family up. But now the kids are at the receiving end of the lack of patience and the bloody miserable attitude so grinning and bearing it for their sake doesn’t seem like the right thing to do anymore. I have nothing though; no money, no car of my own, no family who live even close to locally enough for us to move into, and still get the children to school, while I sort out what the bloody hell im going to do. Basically I am completely stuck, struggling massively with anxiety (but still getting on with life as if everything’s fine and dandy because I am a mum and they are and always will be all that matters) and wondering if I have any options at all.
Thankyou for reading 💐

Whose name is on the house?
Unless specified otherwise
You get 50%

How is he a brilliant dad who swears at them?
Is swearing at kids part of being brilliant?
Do you swear at them to be brilliant mum?

OP I am feeling exactly the same way as you tonight. I am lying in bed with covid looking after our two young children whilst my partner is out at the pub.

Check turn2us and see what you would be entitled to. Would he be an arsehole if you were to split up? There’s more to been 50/50 than putting in money, who takes care of everything? The house, the children? It’s a partnership and the money that you have made from previous properties including the one you were paying 50/50 on have contributed to the one you are in now.
If you really are adamant on leaving try and save enough for a deposit to rent somewhere before you start to rock the boat. You would be entitled to help but rent is obvs really expensive now.
Also, if you were to break up and still reside together as long as your not living like a family you can claim single person benefits
Good luck x

The house is in both of our names.
He has always been a brilliant dad because he has always been hands on, has put the children first in every single decision he makes, does everything he possibly can for them. He has always loved them unconditionally. The swearing etc is more recent, but doesn’t alter the history of how he has previously been as a father. If he had been like this from when we had our first child then there wouldn’t have been more children.
No I do not, and never have, sworn at my children. I find it disgusting, hence why I am on a chat site at this time of night asking anyone who might have any for advice.

You would split house equity 50/50 on sale as it’s in both names. Doesn’t matter how much was initially put in as you’ve been together so long.
Is there any way you can increase your hours or do a second p/t job? I know that might be difficult depending on the ages of your children.

Uff If you really have to. I guess yes because the swearing is unacceptable. Really hope it goes well for you. It is not easy.

First of all I would get a full time job, second proper legal advice.
However, even though it sounds like things are bad now is it worth having a really good talk with him about how his behaviour has made you want to leave, as nothing in the op suggests that you have done this. I don’t normally advise this but it sounds like a very recent problem. Then, depending on the outcome you can get all the bits you need sorted.

Is he depressed at all? My DH was pretty miserable and grumpy for a while, but he's accepted that he has depression and is now on medication/doing more exercise and is much happier at home.

If he suddenly changed
Send him to gp

If your name is on the house deeds as joint tenants, then you own 50% of the property and it doesn’t matter who paid what bills or what deposit. If the deeds are held as tenants in common, then it is possible this will reflect a smaller stake in the property, it might reflect his larger deposit but probably not payments since then. That would be a start for you.

Unless you share custody 50:50 your (ex) partner will pay child maintenance but you probably should be looking into going back to work full time or at least increasing your hours from 10 a week. Perhaps this is something you can do before you make the split.

@Suzanne999

You would split house equity 50/50 on sale as it’s in both names. Doesn’t matter how much was initially put in as you’ve been together so long. Is there any way you can increase your hours or do a second p/t job? I know that might be difficult depending on the ages of your children.

I have been trying to increase my hours since my youngest started school, have had my name down for months now and have been taking on overtime shifts whenever possible during school times to constantly remind them I’m available for more hours. Like you said it’s not the easiest with young children, although they are both in school now they are still both in lower primary and years away from getting themselves to and from school. My family can look after them one day a week during school holidays and my partners mother could also do one day a week on her non working day (although she is almost 70 with health issues so this isn’t ideal, plus I don’t know how she’ll be if we did split).

@Crimeismymiddlename

First of all I would get a full time job, second proper legal advice. However, even though it sounds like things are bad now is it worth having a really good talk with him about how his behaviour has made you want to leave, as nothing in the op suggests that you have done this. I don’t normally advise this but it sounds like a very recent problem. Then, depending on the outcome you can get all the bits you need sorted.

I have tried to talk to him quite a few times about how he is talking to the children and his lack of patience and tolerance for them. It always ends with him getting angry with me, saying something stupid like ‘I forgot I just can’t say anything’ and then not talking to me for as long as he can carry it on for. I find it so uncomfortable. But your right, I have never actually said the words ‘you’re making me want to leave’ so I should try that before I do anything else. Thankyou.

@Hippee

Is he depressed at all? My DH was pretty miserable and grumpy for a while, but he's accepted that he has depression and is now on medication/doing more exercise and is much happier at home.

I’m no doctor but I’d be fairly confident in saying depression is not an issue. He has never suffered at all mental health wise, loves his job, loves the house we have recently purchased, doesn’t have any money worries, has a small group of good friends, is active and confident etc. I suffer from quite overwhelming anxiety but in general he has always had a pretty low tolerance and understanding for mental health issues and for the most part thinks people can just get over it if they just get on with life. I know none of this completely rules out depression though so I will mention it when I talk to him, thankyou.

Work out what you would get in CM and benefits. Can he afford to buy you out of your 50%? If so maybe look at shared ownership properties. DC will be fine after the initial upheaval. My ex behaved similarly and the dc who were older started to copy his behaviour so you are right to get them out when they are young because it is damaging. I think he wanted to end it but didn’t want to be the one to do it so just pushed me to do it. Dc that age won’t care about a big house. A happy calm home is worth a lot more and you may find he’s a more patient dad when he only has do it in small doses. Don’t fall into trap of 50:50 childcare where he is only doing nights and not the pick up/ drop off / holidays as he may try and do this to minimise CM. He needs to be responsible for childcare on his days so you can work and you are only responsible on your days. Gingerbread charity website might be useful.

@moanymyrtle

Work out what you would get in CM and benefits. Can he afford to buy you out of your 50%? If so maybe look at shared ownership properties. DC will be fine after the initial upheaval. My ex behaved similarly and the dc who were older started to copy his behaviour so you are right to get them out when they are young because it is damaging. I think he wanted to end it but didn’t want to be the one to do it so just pushed me to do it. Dc that age won’t care about a big house. A happy calm home is worth a lot more and you may find he’s a more patient dad when he only has do it in small doses. Don’t fall into trap of 50:50 childcare where he is only doing nights and not the pick up/ drop off / holidays as he may try and do this to minimise CM. He needs to be responsible for childcare on his days so you can work and you are only responsible on your days. Gingerbread charity website might be useful.

He could afford to buy me out yes, we have about £200k equity in this house so he could remortgage or buy me out with a smaller sum from his savings that more reflects what I’ve paid in. I very much doubt I’d see 50% from him. I have looked into if I’d be entitled to anything and can’t make much sense of it so far but will keep reading and learning until I work it all out. I did read that some don’t apply if you have more then 16k in savings so what I got from this house could also determine if I’d be able to get anything. Shared ownership property is a brilliant idea that i hadn’t even thought of, thankyou, I feel like I could breathe out again if I could come out of this with me and the children still having our own home! Realistically though I still need to be able to pay the bills and I need to buy my own car so my first step is finding more hours and working out what I’m going to do childcare wise after school/in school holidays to facilitate that. I have told him we need to talk about what’s been going on lately but I’m not planning on doing anything too drastic until I’m in a better position, which I realise could take some time. If the talk does come to a complete head then we will have to coexist in this house for a while until that time. Thankyou for all your advice, and massive well done for making a better life for you and your children 💐

How well managed is your anxiety OP? Could you approach your GP for help if you haven’t already?

You will always be in a very vulnerable situation if you are unmarried and don’t have your own career. What ambitions do you have for yourself and your future? Is there any training you are interested in?

When did his behaviour start, was there a trigger? For example, when you moved to the bigger house could he feel like he is under more financial pressure to provide and he is taking it out on the kids?

Wishing you all the best

@Electricbug321

How well managed is your anxiety OP? Could you approach your GP for help if you haven’t already?

You will always be in a very vulnerable situation if you are unmarried and don’t have your own career. What ambitions do you have for yourself and your future? Is there any training you are interested in?

When did his behaviour start, was there a trigger? For example, when you moved to the bigger house could he feel like he is under more financial pressure to provide and he is taking it out on the kids?

Wishing you all the best

I manage my anxiety and always have done, the past year is by far the worse it has ever been but I have still managed to get on with life as normal (while torturing myself inside my own head and having frequent breakdowns when I’m alone). Although I came very close last year, I have never spoke to the GP about it, although I would if I felt like it was affecting my mood around the children or my ability to function normally. Fully prepared to be roasted for this, but I don’t really have any ambitions for myself other then to provide the most secure and happy life possible to the children. I’ve never really known what I’ve wanted to do career wise. I have always worked and did manage to build myself up to a low level retail management role working a basic 50 hr week before the children came along. I did have 25 hours a week on contract before my last baby but during my last maternity leave my partner secured a promotion which meant he wasn’t as available to watch the children while I went to work so I dropped hours at his request. I have been racking my brains trying to think if there was a specific time this behaviour started but I can’t pinpoint it. I would say he has been getting more short tempered for a little while but the last 2 or so months he has been much less patient and much more miserable. Even though we haven’t discussed it yet, I would be completely confident saying I very much doubt it has anything to do with financials. He has a very comfortable salary which sees him with quite a lot left to himself after bills. I pay my own personal bills from my own account as well as some of the tv subscriptions and monthly money into the childrens savings. I also pay for anything the children need and all of their birthday/Christmas presents. He pays for holidays and most of our weekend days out, although I do pay for these sometimes too, and I obviously pay for all the days out I take the children on during school holidays. I transfer money into the house account whenever I can but honestly thanks to the money we made on our last property our bills didn’t jump too much for this house and he always has at least 1k left to himself after all bills. Financially since having the children there hasn’t ever really been a ‘need’ for me to work, and there have been plenty of times when he has asked me to quit due to him feeling like it interferes with his work, but I always kept working as the thought of not having any job at all terrifies me. He absolutely loves this house as well, it was his pick, so I know it’s nothing to do with the move here.