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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband flirts with other women on social media

26 replies

kim0990 · 27/01/2022 13:41

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years and have four kids together. Just recently, I grabbed my husband's phone as I was taking a break from exercise and it was right there on the lounge and I was too lazy to find my own phone. Anyway, I went onto one of his social pages and found that he has been flirting with two women, one woman in particular though. There were messages saying that he has a crush on them, that they do alright etc. Another message that said '' I found it, you're quality.' The woman even put up a d*ck drawing on her public page and my husband commented something sexual. This woman has also been flirting back with heart emojis and all that seeming to love the attention he's been giving her. I should note, that this woman isn't a celebrity by any means, however she does get a little bit of attention from other men too as her page is public.

I know my husband searches up 'hot girl' images on social media and I'm okay with that, but for me, the flirty messages feel like it's crossing a line and its become more real. And I guess deep down I'm also upset at the fact that he RARELY, if ever, compliments me, yet he's out there complimenting other women on social media. Argh.... I'm confused..

and don't know if it's normal to be hurt by this. I can't raise this topic with my friends or family so wanted to know what you all thought. What would you do in this situation? Would you be upset? I would really love to know your thoughts.. Thanks :)

OP posts:
SmolCat · 27/01/2022 14:03

I could never be with someone who did this. It’s so disrespectful to you. How would he react if you were doing it?

toppkatz · 27/01/2022 14:05

I'd be absolutely livid and read him the riot act.

Thewookiemustgo · 27/01/2022 14:22

And it’s a ‘no’ from me. It’s cheating. Looking at images is one thing and also a legitimate dealbreaker for some, but interacting is quite another.
Don’t know where I got the quote from, but it’s so true:

‘What you allow will continue and what continues will escalate’.

He’s already crossed too many lines and needs to stop this now and understand how it makes you feel. Cheating doesn’t always kill relationships. Ongoing secrets do.

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/01/2022 14:23

That’s disgusting . I couldn’t tolerate that.

layladomino · 27/01/2022 14:28

That's disgusting behaviour. It would be a dealbreaker for me. A decent partner doesn't do this (wouldn't even think of it). How would he feel if you were engaing sexually with other men?

Buildingthefuture · 27/01/2022 14:38

Have you discussed it with him? How is your marriage overall? Is he a good husband and a decent father in general? If he is, I don’t think I would end my marriage over it. It’s stupid and juvenile behaviour, all for an ego boost, the sado!! I would be pissed off and he would get a roasting and be told in no uncertain terms that it stops. Now. If he’s a bit of a dick in general I would be having a good hard look at what he actually brought to my life…..

whymewhyme · 27/01/2022 14:40

No way is that ok, id be fuming with looking up hot girls on SM. Nahh you deserve better!

totallyoutnumbered · 27/01/2022 14:46

Nope. He's a wrong un. Sorry 😞

2DogsOnMySofa · 27/01/2022 17:10

That would be a deal breaker for me

Thinkingat3am · 27/01/2022 17:10

It is normal to be hurt by this. He's wanting other women. He's prepared to go behind your back like this. It hurts and you won't even feel enough now. You need to have it out with him.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 27/01/2022 17:13

Absolutely no way is this acceptable. What a complete twat he is.

Ladybugzrock · 27/01/2022 17:23

Yuck, what a creep!

You’re not overthinking this.

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 17:27

and don't know if it's normal to be hurt by this

Who cares if it's 'normal'? Surely you'd like your husband to respect your feelings, even if they were unusual? If you tell him this makes you feel like shit, and he carries on, then, essentially, doing this is more important to him than you feeling ok.

Do you only respect your feelings if you think they're 'normal'? Who do you think decides what 'normal' is? Who decides which of your feelings are acceptable?

FlamingRoses · 27/01/2022 17:27

That is incredibly disrespectful and inappropriate.

applesnorangesnpears · 27/01/2022 18:47

I broke up with my partner of 18 months for this last week ... except he wasn't commenting.
The mere fact he added them as 'friends' on fb and was liking their profile pics was enough for me to bin him off.
Currently doing the freedom programme on line and reading Lundy bancrofts famous book and what a revelation that is !
Thanks to all the mn posters who took the time and overwhelmingly advised me that it was indeed disrespectful and Incertainly was not going to be an option.
Slimy fuckers ... yours and my ex .

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 27/01/2022 18:54

He's an immature loser, disrespectful and a terrible dad if he disrespects his children's mother in this way.

It's normal to be furious, angry, dismayed, disappointed in him. Don't be hurt. He's not worth that.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 27/01/2022 18:55

@Buildingthefuture

Have you discussed it with him? How is your marriage overall? Is he a good husband and a decent father in general? If he is, I don’t think I would end my marriage over it. It’s stupid and juvenile behaviour, all for an ego boost, the sado!! I would be pissed off and he would get a roasting and be told in no uncertain terms that it stops. Now. If he’s a bit of a dick in general I would be having a good hard look at what he actually brought to my life…..
He's not a good husband or a decent father if he is doing this. They are not mutually exclusive traits. Sorry.
Crikeyalmighty · 27/01/2022 19:07

In my experience on FB and twitter men who use the word ‘quality’ a lot in relation to hot pics tend to be disrespectful tossers and usually a bit thick! I would ditch for this OP. It’s utterly disrespectful to you

CambsAlways · 27/01/2022 20:07

The very least is he’s being very disrespectful to you, complimenting other women and rarely complimenting you his wife the mother of his children! Nah I wouldn’t tolerate this it’s disgusting

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 27/01/2022 23:42

@Crikeyalmighty

In my experience on FB and twitter men who use the word ‘quality’ a lot in relation to hot pics tend to be disrespectful tossers and usually a bit thick! I would ditch for this OP. It’s utterly disrespectful to you
I agree, it sounds like some wide boy. A bit Swiss Toni, a bit Arthur Daley. Avoid. Bin.
MsDogLady · 28/01/2022 04:08

I’m confused…and don’t know if it’s normal to be hurt by this.

Kim, your feelings and boundaries are valid.

Your H is investing and seeking validation/gratification elsewhere. He is drooling over this woman and has begun an interactive flirtation with her. In my world, that is cheating.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. You need to have a serious conversation about what you won’t tolerate in your marriage.

Original poster
kim0990 · 28/01/2022 08:58

Thanks to everyone who replied. I guess I am feeling conflicted and unsure the best way to handle this. I will talk to him about everything on the weekend.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 28/01/2022 09:06

The best way to handle anything tricky is to calmly explain that 'When this happens, I feel x/y/z'

That's it.

You don't have to tell anybody what to do/what they should be doing/what they shouldn't be doing. That's up to them. A person who respects you will listen to you and act on what you've said. A person who doesn't respect you will have a different response, a defensive response, or they will lie, and carry on with the behaviour, because the behaviour is more important to them than you feeling ok.

Simply state how you feel. He gets to decide what happens next, by demonstrating to you whether he's respectful or not.

WTF475878237NC · 28/01/2022 09:08

Simply state how you feel. He gets to decide what happens next, by demonstrating to you whether he's respectful or not.

^ this is great advice.

TheFoundation · 28/01/2022 09:27

@WTF475878237NC

I wish I'd been taught it sooner... it filters out all abuse and mistreatment, it stops any worry of being controlling... it basically filters your company down to those who actually care about you, and I believe that's the key to a contented life. It doesn't matter what you're doing, how poor you are, what clothes you wear... if you surround yourself with people who actually give a shit about how you feel, you'll feel good.

The other part to it, of course, is that if somebody shows you disrespect, you have to create distance between you and them. Often the hardest part, but, again, can often be done with much less drama than people expect... no accusations, no mention of wrongdoing, just 'I'm not comfortable in this relationship any more.'