How to manage inconsistent family relationships

[MissM2B]

Hi everyone,
I've been really struggling of the past few years with inconsistent behaviour from my sibling and parents - and I'm at a point where I'm just ready to run away from it all.

For a number of years, my sister has cut me in and out of her life. She will go through periods of not speaking/ignoring my messages/refusing to be around me which can last anywhere between a month to 6 months. This has happened 3 times in the past 2 years. Whenever it happens, I try to understand if from her point of view, ask if there's anything I can do to resolve it and just get the silent treatment. In our childhood we were extremely close and best friends.

My parents also receive hostile behaviour from my sister on-and-off, but when we discuss it I'm told to try and just get on with it as "shes not in a good place" and "you're not the only one who gets it". If I ask what I've done wrong, I don't receive an answer.

I am a year younger than my sister and I have a beautiful 1 year old son and fiancé. We have moved in together and are planning our wedding. My partner is baffled by my sisters behaviour but keeps out of it all. When we were engaged, my sister was in a period of not speaking to me and since has never even congratulated us.
But there are times where she will suddenly show that she cares, for example she got my son a wonderful Xmas gift.

When my son was born, I asked my sister to be a godparent with the intention of showing her how much we love her and that I wanted to have her involved in my sons life. This led to the most stressful months of my life, as not long after I asked her - she had another episode of refusing to speak to me. It got to the point where the week before the christening she hadn't even indicated if she was going to show up. She showed up to the church, never spoke a word to me and returned home without coming to the after party.
I was told by family members that I should be grateful she showed up.

Now onto our wedding, and I agonised over my decision to make her a bridesmaid. Throughout the while planning she has been awkward, ignoring messages and just being generally critical of my decisions. She has not been very nice about my maid of honour and has even said in front of my parents that she was going to do a rubbish job. Now she has asked that she does my makeup for the wedding (shes an MUA) and although I've agreed, I feel extremely anxious about it.

I can no longer manage the inconsistent behaviour and the way that she walks into my life as though nothing as gone on, and the minute she isn't happy with something just cut me out as though I don't exist. I also feel very unsupported by my parents as I don't think they see how much damage its causing.

I have begun therapy and have started medication for my anxiety and panic attacks. We talk a lot about this situation but I just can't seem to settle it in my mind. I worry about my relationship with my sister and how it will affect my son if it carries on this way. I constantly worry about what her next hostile response will be and what I've done to deserve it. I admit I am a very emotional person and struggle to pull away from my family - even though many of my friends have said it would be for the best. I feel like I'm grieving for the sister I used to know.

Has anyone else has such a rocky sibling relationship and how did you handle it.

Have you tried to have a frank conversation with her about her behaviour?

@TheDailyCarbunkle

Have you tried to have a frank conversation with her about her behaviour?

Hi, Yes I have tried to address it with her. It ends up into her saying she can't stand the fact that I'm sensitive or she will just have another period of shutting me out. Its usually the latter.

I am so sorry you are in this position op. I can understand your anxiety and you sound very loving. It seems there may be an issue with your sister which you and your parents are not aware of which affects her behaviour. Do you think she might have periods of depression that come and go? Or maybe a more major mental health problem? Or perhaps she is very unhappy with her life and perceives your life as being perfect and at times resentment spills out about this. As far your practical issues of her letting you down are concerned, it seems you will always have to have a contingency plan. Perhaps you could prepare/practice your own bridal make up or have a friend on hand if needed?

First off, sack her as your bridesmaid and MUA. You need to protect yourself and this is your wedding. Don’t let her ruin it.
I would send her a text saying you think it’s best that she is no longer a bridesmaid or a MUA for your wedding as you feel it is straining your relationship with her.
If she cuts you off, let her. No more drama to deal with.
You are giving her far too much headspace, take a massive step back from her. Don’t be like your parents and be accepting of her behaviour

Whenever it happens, I try to understand if from her point of view, ask if there's anything I can do to resolve it and just get the silent treatment

Stop pandering to her. This is you allowing the drama to be your drama, rather than drawing a line between you and it.

People walk in and out of your life the same as they can walk in and out of your house: it's up to you to lock the doors, especially when there's someone around who crosses boundaries.

Take responsibility for stopping this whole pattern. Assume her behaviour will never change; she's made it pretty plain who she is, and how she feels about your relationship. Pull away from her. It doesn't have to be dramatic, just quietly stop responding to her antics.

And choose a different godparent, unless you want your child raised by someone who creates this atmosphere, in the event that you get run over by a bus. Asking someone to be a godparent is a show of affection and trust that you display if you feel affection and trust. It's not something you do for display purposes only. Think of your child, not the message you want to convey to your rude, dramatic sister.

I was told by family members that I should be grateful she showed up.

That shows they are more concerned about enabling her behaviour than your happiness and wellbeing

It ends up into her saying she can't stand the fact that I'm sensitive

Your fault. What a surprise.

Now she has asked that she does my makeup for the wedding (shes an MUA) and although I've agreed, I feel extremely anxious about it.

Listen to your instinct. The fact that she won't speak to you a lot of the time now she's asking to do your make-up, that's ringing warning bells.

What does she bring to your life, apart from angst?

@Tryingtostayupbeat

I am so sorry you are in this position op. I can understand your anxiety and you sound very loving. It seems there may be an issue with your sister which you and your parents are not aware of which affects her behaviour. Do you think she might have periods of depression that come and go? Or maybe a more major mental health problem? Or perhaps she is very unhappy with her life and perceives your life as being perfect and at times resentment spills out about this. As far your practical issues of her letting you down are concerned, it seems you will always have to have a contingency plan. Perhaps you could prepare/practice your own bridal make up or have a friend on hand if needed?

Thank you.

sounds like a narc sibling who will do anything and everything to ruin your wedding. do everything you can to extricate her from what should be a joyous occasion OP.

on a separate note your experiences mirror mine so much it’s scary. have not spoken to said sister for almost a year and half, interestingly she started her latest round of silent treatment less than a year after our remaining parent died. she has no power now.

I think you need to let this person go or, at the least refuse to engage with her dramas, which will probably lead to the same result. It sounds like manipulative and controlling behaviour. It could be mental health issues but whilst you're all pandering to it it's unlikely to change. You could suggest to her that she seeks help but from what you have said that's unlikely to go down well.

I cut mine out of my life about 5 years ago. The best thing ever. My mother still tries to drag them in but I resist. Life is so good without them. Id ditch her and go low contact with parents- they are enabling her and thus need a consequence.

I haven't read all your replies but she sounds very draining and you need to protect your own mental health.
Either you pull her up everytime she goes into a strop and which sounds
Like it will just make her continue
Longer, or cut her out until she reassures you that she is going to grow up.
She is emotionally abusing you.

You are No longer children, maybe she struggles with her feelings but that is HER problem to get to the bottom of.
If she can't be happy for you or keep stum then why would you want her involved? Ask yourself that.

It will seem strange to go no contact at first but it might be the best decision for you.
It doesn't matter if she is a godparent- do what is best for you now.

Regardless of the reasons, put yourself first. Start by having a different bridesmaid.

And the grieving is part of the process. My sister flounced off to another county when I challenged her behaviour which was consistently difficult. The relationship didn't recover, despite my efforts,
and it took me a long time to get over it particularly as my family are completely dysfunctional anyway. But grieve I did with the help if a therapist. I now feel meh towards her. Can now see that this was an inevitable outcome. You can't reason with unreasonable especially if the person has issues.

She sounds spoilt
You will grieve, and feel guilty but I bet You'll feel relief too.

You cannot control anything she does and if she is destructive to you,then why stay in touch.
Maybe this will be the kick she needs to become a better person.
Keep us updated. x

She sounds very draining. Obviously she must have her reasons for this but that’s not an excuse for this kind of behavior and you have every right of not wanting to put up with this. If this situation contributes to getting anxiety attacks it has taken a much bigger toll on your mental health then is acceptable in anyone’s book and I think it’s time you take a step back. You sound very loving and involved but I think you really need to go LC (low contact) with het for your own protection. If you feel like it, tell her the detrimental effect that her behavior has on you. Someone who loves you will be devastated that they’ve caused this and either change their behavior or at the very least accept that you can’t be around each other that much anymore. Also agree with pp that said your family is enabling her. Put yourself first, because your family isn’t doing it, sorry to be so harsh but open your eyes please

Does the timing of when she goes NC feel like she can't handle her jealousy of your happiness and you have what she wants in life? If it's something you'd actually done surely she'd tell you?

I'd be wary of disinviting her to your wedding as it gives her the opportunity to make herself a victim, but be prepared for her not turning up (or having a face like a slapped arse all day. Source another MUA and if she complains tell her you weren't sure she'd be reliable.

I agree with the posters saying to go low contact.

Now that you have your son, he needs to come first. An aunt who blows hot and cold with him is going to be confusing and upsetting.

You can love your sister from a distance but you need to put a safety net around your family to protect you, your fiancé and son. From now on, I'd be treating her like a distant cousin rather than a sister.