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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend snap chatting another girl

13 replies

Confusedinlove22 · 27/01/2022 12:18

Apologies as this may be a long one but I just keep battling with what to do.
Bit of background I have been with my boyfriend for the past 6 and a half years. We met when we were 18 (few months off 19) and knew eachother from school. The past year and a half we have been saving and looking at buying a house however due to the current market all our offers have been unsuccessful. We speak about a future and getting a house and dog and have both spoken about seeing us getting married.

On Monday I received a message from a girl in our local area (I don’t know her but lots of fb mutual friends) saying that she had been speaking to my boyfriend on Instagram and Snapchat since June / July 2021. She sent me images of their chat on Instagram and a picture or the naked image sent to him on Snapchat. He initiated the talking as reacted to a picture she posted of her nails and they carried it on before he added her on Snapchat. The girl says that they both sent naked imagines of themselves and that the image of her was saved in the chat. She claims they spoke every day and it was like boyfriend and girlfriend would message from ‘good morning’ til ‘good night’. She says she asked about me and he said he didn’t often see me - she knew he was in a long term relationship. She also claims they planned to meet up for a walk and that they spoke all day on New Year’s Eve but ‘fell out’ because they both had had too much to drink (he worked in the AM of new year then I was with him the rest of the day/ overnight and the next day). She said this was the last they spoke. She only messaged me because she realised he had deleted her from Snapchat and asked him why on Instagram and he didn’t reply and blocked her instead.

I confronted my partner at his work and he didn’t have much to say - I was very emotional and screaming and shouting. I also saw him that night as I went along to his house to collect my stuff as I was so angry and again I just shouted at him.
Around the time the messaging started we did have a minor falling out to do with our holiday being cancelled and he then organised a weekend with his friends to a car thing. I felt left out and I did push him away.

We met the next night on mutual ground and the first thing he said was that he felt he has to let me go because he has f**d up and hurt the person he cares about the most so he did end things. He said he knows I can find better and someone who will love me and that he will never get over me. We then spoke about the situation and asked him to be completely honest as we had nothing left to lose and I do believe he was honest.
He said the girl was extremely persistent and messaged him constantly. He did initiate the talking but she then constantly was at him.
He admits to flirting with her and that he did ask her to send a picture (of her bum) and saved it in their chat. He says he absolutely did not send her images or videos.
He says he did not ask to meet up with her and that he would never meet up with her.
He says they spoke to her on the morning while at work on old years night and that he did speak to her later but she was constantly messaging him so he told her to leave him alone and blocked her. They didn’t have any contact since.

I am completely torn as I am still completely in love with the boy and i do feel I would take him back. He is adamant I am better off without him but he still loves and cares for me as much as ever. Our relationship has always been completely smooth and my friends and family are completely shocked by this revelation as this is not the boyfriend we all knew and loved.
I think I want him back but i just don’t know.

Any help??

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/01/2022 12:21

Don't go back.
If he wanted to be with you he would be the one begging but regardless he's a cheat. He cheated on you for 6 whole months and you had no clue. Why would you trust him over her when he's lied and she has no reason to?

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2022 12:24

Even if you believe his account of things and not hers, he's still not worth taking back.

SmellyOldOwls · 27/01/2022 12:25

You'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, checking his phone and generally being miserable if you go back. Move forward and meet somebody who you can trust.

Lemonweightloss · 27/01/2022 12:30

He's right.
You can do better and you do deserve better.
You say the last time you spoke, you both put everything out there as there was nothing left to lose. But he didn't did he? He wasn't completely honest ( come on !!) ; she did all the running, she was persistent blah blah. Has he got a brain or does he think with his penis?
No need to answer that.
Walk away with your head held high. It will be hard, but quite frankly, the trust has gone so even if you gave this tool another chance, you'd never feel completely secure.
You really are worth more.

purpleboy · 27/01/2022 12:45

He's just manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.
He's a weasel, he knows exactly what he was doing. He could have stopped at any point but chose not too.
I know this hurts, but honestly leave him. You have no ties to him, no baggage. If you take him back you have given him the green light to do this again, and next time you find out (and there will be a next time) you may well have a house or kids and it will be a lot harder to leave, you'll suck it up again because it easier than disrupting your entire life, got the sake of the kids blah blah.
Find your self respect and find someone who will put you first. This guy does not do that for you.

Thatwassurreal · 27/01/2022 12:46

Im so sorry op.
He is not the man you believed he was.

When I was young I got back together with a boyfriend who messed around/broke trust but it didn’t last. I could never mentally get past the betrayal. I think when it all happened I was in shock and just wanted to get back together to get back to ‘normal’. The truth is the ‘normal’ relationship you had is now over.

Listen to the people around you that you trust. Be kind to yourself. You deserve better than he can offer you. Sending love x

Katywilkes89 · 27/01/2022 13:10

First of all if you want to know the truth in regards to who was speaking more etc (not that it makes much difference) ask for his password and download the data. If you're on a new phone (iPhone 11+) you can see the texts. On an older phone you can see anyone hes ever sent or received snapchats off and the date time etc.

Honestly though, if you're having to do that the relationship is over. Personally I wouldn't bother (a friend of mine did this and it made her feel worse).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/01/2022 13:14

Honestly walk away- he’s young and wants to see what else is out there. You will have nagging doubt and it’s no way to live. I’m very sorry

Planetzero · 27/01/2022 13:20

Sorry, it sounds like he doesn’t want you back anyway (‘he is adamant I am better off without him.’) Let him go.

Lemonweightloss · 27/01/2022 13:39

@Planetzero, I think he might just be saying that so she effectively argues his case for him. Manipulative swine. You're right though - let him go.

2Rebecca · 27/01/2022 13:47

If he wanted the relationship he wouldn't be pushing you away. That's just more game playing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 13:53

He's either telling the truth that he doesn't want to get back together and you need to respect that decision and cut ties.

Or he's being manipulative and you need to respect yourself to cut ties anyway.

There's no way of explaining away the fact that he has said he doesn't want to be with you that should end in you telling him you want to get back together.

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 14:04

Not what you want to hear, but it will never be like it was. He was someone you trusted, and that's so important in a relationship. Now he's someone you know can lie to you over an extended period of time about lewd things he's doing with other women. And then grovel pathetically about it. Can you really respect any of that in a man?

If you've lost respect for him, why would you go back?
If you haven't lost respect for him, why not?

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