In may of this year my husband and I separated. He'd been getting increasingly irritable, aggressive, sneaky and lazy and I'd had enough. He'd pushed me to my limit because we have 4 kids and I'd stuck by him through so much, making excuses for his behaviour etc
Anyway, unbeknown to me, turns out I'd been living with a cocaine addict for the past 8 years! Looking back the signs were there but he's an accomplished liar and any suspicions were talked out of me.
I was determined to go it alone, get a divorce etc but slowly he's somehow back in my life again, mainly because of the children. He's been clean for 6 months now and is a totally different person. He's patient, considerate, gentle, kind, a fantastic dad etc, all the things he always should have been.
The trouble is though is that I just don't love him anymore. He chipped away at the love I had for him and it's gone. I still feel angry and resentful that he now seems happy and he's determind to stick around as long as it takes until I feel something for him again. I really don't think it's going to happen.
We can have good days out, and the kids now have a great relationship with him, but then something reminds me again of what he did. The money he spent, the sneaking around, the lies.
I feel that either I allow him to help me bring the kids up, and I do mostly need the help because they're a handful, and deny myself ever finding love again OR tell him it's definitely over and he'll probably take off somewhere, the kids don't see there dad much, I'm stressed out with looking after them but I have the chance of meeting someone else and finding love again.
I truly don't know what to do. He's so obsessively in love with me, constantly telling me he loves me, leaving me notes etc We do get along now, we don't sleep together (although this is annoying him)and if he ever stays over it's in one of the kids rooms. But he's here every day helping out and I like that but he feels more like a brother or something.
Deep down I'd like to meet someone else, though they'd probably have to be mad to take on me and 4 kids! There's no way I can date someone though while he's still around.
I'm so confused, although I'm happier in every other area of my life now that drugged monster has gone. I feel so lonely and in need of love. If I met my husband today I'd think he was wonderful, but unfortunately I can't forget what he's done to me (but he thinks I should have by now!)
What do I do? What would you do? I could end up with no one at all. I feel it's my turn to come first for a change but as usual I'm putting everybody elses feelings ahead of mine.
Thanks for reading this
RubyGems
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