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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Identified the type in Lundy Bancroft's book... The victim

3 replies

applesnorangesnpears · 27/01/2022 11:45

How do I deal with him now?
I realised that I've been in a relationship with ' the victim ' as described in ' Why does he...' .
I followed advice in book and rang is ' toxic, abusing, narcissistic, controlling ' ex. We chatted and it turns out that Lundy was right.it was a reverse but they were both behaving similarly..
He would do his own thing regardless of their plans.
Was set in his ways, refusing to compromise.
She would be angry and frustrated.
He felt controlled.
She felt ignored and disrespected.
They frequently screamed and shouted at each other and one time it escalated to her hitting him and he returning the slap.
He disappeared , refused to answer calls and suddenly would ring again after a few months citing heartbreak and desolation.
They got back.
Nothing resolved
Rinse and repeat for years.

I am at the stage where I have finished with him and asked for no contact.
I've blocked him on most platforms.
His ex told Me that she feels he is repeating his behaviours and will hound me once he realises I'm serious but even if I did want to go back , which I don't, the issues never change or resolve, as long as he is getting his own way and needs met.
She said that she rolled over and accepted it but pleaded with me not to for my mh.
She said I will be an emotional wreck and it will end very badly.
The way he speaks about her is with such contempt, disdain and outright hatred at times. He is big on revenge too.
Always the victim so you start to feel sorry for him.

I am a little unsettled now because I dont know what's ahead of me and need to be armed mentally before this begins, if indeed it does.
I have lots belong to him and I need to be able to contact him for various plans and trips that were organised .
I feel sick at the thought of this.
What a fool I was .

OP posts:
applesnorangesnpears · 27/01/2022 12:35

Any experience please or advice appreciated?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 27/01/2022 13:07

He felt controlled.

Except he wasn't controlled? It's not controlling to expect your partner to do what he says he will do and to be, you know, a partner. So she's still minimising and taking on responsibility for HIS feelings and HIS behaviour. Even though it's crazy.

My advice is have as little to do with him as possible. Have zero expectations -whatever stuff/activities you have planned are unlikely to take place. Move on as quickly as you can.

applesnorangesnpears · 27/01/2022 13:33

He felt like he was being controlled because he couldn't do as he pleased( in his opinion) and she felt he should have been more considerate when deciding to do stuff without thinking of her.
In the end he called her controlling and violent and she told me that she used to get so frustrated and they ended having screaming matches as he would not see whatsoever where she was
Coming from.

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