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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Child arrangements with Ex

13 replies

sophmum31 · 27/01/2022 11:10

I'm really having a difficult time and hoped I may get some advice here. I separated from my STBX 19 months ago, he moved out of the marital home to a rental 45 minutes away (his choice). We are currently waiting for a 2nd court date for the financials so we can be divorced. He is very bitter that I am in the home and he isn't - he did want to move back in but my solicitor blocked him as he has been extremely emotionally abusive. He is also extremely angry that I am taking him to court, I do not have an option as he wants a 70/30 split in his favour!

We had mediation and agreed on EOW for his access to our DS11, our DD15 mostly refuses to see him as she hates him, no overnights but maybe 3 days out in the last 12 months. EOW was OK for a while, but recently he has constantly changed plans, picked up a day late, dropped off a day early, chopped and changed his days and weekends around. I have tried setting up a google calendar which he refuses to engage with, I have created a shared calendar and emailed it to him again he will not agree dates, I have also sat down with him with a calendar in front of us that we marked the dates on and he still cannot stick to them. Any changes are at really short notice and presented as whats happening rather than an agreement. In full in January he will have had 3 overnights.

If I put my foot down and refuse I am met with threats he is going to move back in, he says he is entitled to 50% so will take that whenever he can. If he does see DD he expects me to cancel any plans I have to collect her as she wont stay with him and bullies me when i refuse.

I would just love to have a plan so I never have to discuss it with him again! It seems the only option would be to go to court but this won't make him stick to his plan, but I guess it would protect my days and if he misses his days then tough luck? The divorce is costing me a fortune (and him nothing as he is self representing - pushing my costs up), I can't really afford another court battle! I've had to go to the CMS for maintenance but so far in the last 18 months he has paid £167.

Does anyone have any experiences of how to deal with this situation?

OP posts:

Santahasjoinedww · 27/01/2022 11:13

When is your dc 12? Can't imagine a court will enforce contact with an 11/12 yo. At 12 my ds went nc with his df. Despite the court order being just about in his favour.

Original poster

sophmum31 · 27/01/2022 11:16

He's 12 in September but he does love his dad and wants to see him. He wasn't exposed to as much of the abuse as our elder DD and he was very much the golden child in Stbx eyes so they have very different experiences with their dad.

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 27/01/2022 11:23

Does the 11 year old want to see their father?
Their wants & wishes will be heard if this goes to court.
You’re right that even with a court order, he can’t be forced to see the young people on “his days”.
Unless you have an occupation order then if his name is on the mortgage/ lease he can legally move back in.
I think you need to speak to your lawyer again about all this (sorry).
Good luck.

Original poster

sophmum31 · 27/01/2022 11:32

@FelicityPike, yes he does want to see his Dad but he also wants time at home and see his friends. I have emailed my solicitor this morning so hopefully he will have some advice. I very nearly got a non-molestation and occupation order last year but I was still very scared of him then and was not strong enough, I really wish I had gone through with it as my family and solicitor were practically begging me to.

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 27/01/2022 12:19

@sophmum31

Does anyone have any experiences of how to deal with this situation?

Quite simply, email him a list of contact weekends and timings. Explain that if he is not there within 15 minutes that contact isncancelled. Any changes to the schedule need agreement from you in writing more than 72 hours in advance. Otherwise the contact is per the schedule. Then don't enter into any discussion.

Toanewstart22 · 27/01/2022 12:20

Change locks for a start

Toanewstart22 · 27/01/2022 12:24

** Quite simply, email him a list of contact weekends and timings.
Explain that if he is not there within 15 minutes that contact isncancelled.
Any changes to the schedule need agreement from you in writing more than 72 hours in advance. Otherwise the contact is per the schedule.
Then don't enter into any discussion.**

I’m going to take a punt… you’re not sharing child access with an ex, are you?

15 mins late and no contact would be seen as unreasonable in eyes of course

Added to which, do you honestly seeing an ex like this rolling over like this. It would be like setting fire to a firework!

Op - send him the schedule.
Say that you would appreciate early notice of changes so ds not disappointed

And then…. Nothing mor you can do

You can’t force him. And why would ou want to anyway? It’s his loss but he’s too stupid to realise it.

draramallama · 27/01/2022 12:31

First step is probably recognising that this is part of the abuse and like all abuse is about control. There no point wasting energy trying to explain, negotiate or come up with strategies (like the calendar).

He's not interested in working for a solution in the best interests of his children, he just wants control over you and them.

Make your decisions in light of that.

ChoiceMummy · 27/01/2022 13:20

@Toanewstart22

** Quite simply, email him a list of contact weekends and timings. Explain that if he is not there within 15 minutes that contact isncancelled. Any changes to the schedule need agreement from you in writing more than 72 hours in advance. Otherwise the contact is per the schedule. Then don't enter into any discussion.**

I’m going to take a punt… you’re not sharing child access with an ex, are you?

15 mins late and no contact would be seen as unreasonable in eyes of course

Added to which, do you honestly seeing an ex like this rolling over like this. It would be like setting fire to a firework!

Op - send him the schedule.
Say that you would appreciate early notice of changes so ds not disappointed

And then…. Nothing mor you can do

You can’t force him. And why would ou want to anyway? It’s his loss but he’s too stupid to realise it.

If he goes off like a for work, great. If he then goes to court. Great. Op has stuck to what's agreed. Offered and stuck to the agreements in mediation, that do not stand up in law. He however, has messed his child around and that is being recorded. By running scared, he maintains the power. When actually, op has power of she utilises it.

Toanewstart22 · 27/01/2022 15:10

And are you involved in shared child access?

Because quite often as single parent we do things that inside make us pissed off BUT you do it for your child.

So his father “going off like a firework” is not “great”. For the DS.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 27/01/2022 16:25

If he has a 45-minute journey, saying contact is cancelled if he's 15 minutes late would be hugely unreasonable.

Toanewstart22 · 27/01/2022 16:35

And would not be regarded positively by court

Either way - clearly advice from people that I doubt actually have any experience of shared children

ChoiceMummy · 27/01/2022 21:52

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

If he has a 45-minute journey, saying contact is cancelled if he's 15 minutes late would be hugely unreasonable.

If its a 45 minutes journey and he's 15 minutes late and not been courteous to alert the mother of this, then yes, I still believe that not remaining there is reasonable.

How much is she expected to take of this laying down?

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