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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship time out: what to think?

13 replies

uclmerc · 27/01/2022 10:04

Here goes. My partner (28 M) of 2 years broke up with me (25 F) in early December. He was in a period of stress with work and had a lot of big decisions to make (changing job/ country etc.) and had gone back onto his medication for anxiety and depression. I didn't see it coming as we had been very happy just before, having worked through a couple of relationship hiccups (mostly COVID-based stress) months before. The relationship felt stable until he was told he might have to change job, at which point he became tetchy.

After the break-up, I went home for the holidays and, when I returned, we had to cohabit the same space for nearly a month until he found a new place. Strangely, this was a positive thing as we were able to talk through a lot of things. Both of us are in therapy now and bonded over the progress we were making. He said he began to regret his decision made in haste due to stress, but said he needed some time out from a very intense period to work out his next steps. There were a lot of tears and he said that his heart loves me like his first love; his head is messing with him. He doesn't want to lose "the love of his life" and he says I've "not lost him." He says it's not the end and once he is ready to commit, I will be the first person he calls.

I'm not sure what to do. I know I can't wait for him and have to work on myself, but it makes it so much harder to move on knowing it might not be the end. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/01/2022 10:16

Get rid of him for good. He’s dicking you about

MiddleAgedLurker · 27/01/2022 10:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

LeifSan · 27/01/2022 10:21

Yea i’ve experienced similar and know lots of people who have. It was always that they still cared but didn’t want the relationship anymore and especially wanted to consider their options with others. If someone calls you the love of their life but wants time apart you can bet that translates to ‘I want you as my forever back up but i’ll be seeing what else is out there’.

dopple · 27/01/2022 10:22

I would think he's using work as an excuse to end the relationship which is no longer right for him but he can't quite admit it's the end forever. If a relationship isn't strong enough to withstand the stresses of everyday life then it's just not a strong enough relationship, you get through the ups and downs together. Maybe being in a relationship isn't what he wants anymore.

Look after yourself too, he's decided what he wants to do. Now focus on yourself without waiting and hoping he'll come back, it is the end for now so build a new life without him right, you may find it isn't good enough to wait and life takes you down another path.
If you were to get back together, it's very tricky to get over the resentment of it ending, issues that were there before will still be there, you risk putting in the effort for it all to end again and start the healing process over again.

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 10:22

So he's essentially said 'Maybe I will want to be with you', and you're falling for it.

If someone says their 'head is messing with them', that's a 100% sign that they're not grown up enough to understand and deal with their life.

Do you really want a relationship with someone like that?

He says it's not the end and once he is ready to commit, I will be the first person he calls

This is appalling. It's 'Wait for me, I might want you one day'

Let him go. Tell him you need to commit to yourself for a while. Somebody needs to.

Shiteshow100 · 27/01/2022 10:33

Yeah I had an ex that tried to go on a '2week break'. I agreed and when he decided to come back all his stuff was out in the rd waiting for him lol.
Unfortunately for him I'm rather long in the tooth and get along with males more than females so I know this trick. It's basically an excuse to sleep/date other women and not feel bad about it.
My ex actually had previous for this to as I was good friends with him before trying a relationship (massive mistake).
Do yourself a favour and kick him to the kerb!!

Crystalvas · 27/01/2022 10:40

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. Hes messing you around. Longterm it’ll effect you more as you won’t know where you stand with him. Get rid of him.

Moonface123 · 27/01/2022 10:48

If someone wants to be with you they will move mountains, simple as that.
l would go no contact, because he will keep you dangling in limbo, which is an awful place to be. Alot of men hate confrontation and use weak excuses to slither away quietly. If he wants to walk, let him. You are still so young and there are wonderful kind men out there you have yet to meet. Life is full of chapters, this was just one of many. Don' t hurt yourself further by waiting on this snowflake, draw a line and move on, your future self will thank you for it.

KintsugiForever · 27/01/2022 10:49

Yes, he kept me in limbo for several weeks, doing just enough to stay in touch. I broke it off and he was in a new relationship 2 weeks later. Like pps, quite often this 'on the fence' behaviour is a sign of exploring other options whilst dangling their current partner on a string. This may not be the case with you, but if it's causing you distress, you need to decide what is best for you. I don't recommend living in this limbo for too long.

MMmomDD · 27/01/2022 10:52

You are only 25. Falling in love, trying on relationships, moving on - is what is meant to happen in your age. Heartaches are part of it, sadly. But your heart will heal.

Most people don’t end up spending their lives with someone they met at 23.

So - don’t waste your time with him.

JumperJump · 27/01/2022 10:58

He’s keeping you in the back burner in case he does decide staying with you is easier for him than going it alone. He’s been with you for two years, it’s familiar, breaking up means something outside his comfort zone. You’re allowing yourself to just be an option, and setting the tone that you’ll stay with him no matter how shit he treats you. And how can you trust him not to do this again? Counselling doesn’t magically fix things.

You need to properly split up. It’s only a two year relationship, which is really nothing in the overall scheme of things. It should not be this hard already.

No contact. Work on your own interests and friends. It sounds like he, and you, need to learn to be separate independent people before he (in particular) can be good relationship material For anyone. However, that you are setting your standards this low by hanging on desperately to someone who’s not treating you well means you need to learn to be be independent too.

I know it sounds upsetting, frightening and horrible but you will be ok in the long run and be more happy in yourself as a person in the end.

LightSpeeds · 27/01/2022 11:04

If he has to finish your relationship in order to deal with the stresses and strains of life then you can't trust him.

Strong couples tackle their problems TOGETHER. He is flakey and unreliable.

Don't let him dictate what happens. Get rid.

SunflowerTed · 27/01/2022 13:14

You need to move on!

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