Did you lose friends in your 30s

[hellosunshineagainx]

Just feel like I have less tolerance for bullshit and a lot less time on my hands now with a two year old.

Massive backstory but two friends I have known for over a long time, one over 15 years I have had challenge after challenge with since having my son. Involving me being left out and hearing that they have said unkind things about me. I confronted them about it in the summer and we agreed to move past it but now they have both decided not to come to my low key and cheap hen do so Im at the point I don't want them at the wedding.

Sorry bit jumbled I just feel like who has the time to create drama out of nothing and I honestly just feel happier when I don't have to deal with them. Im wary uninviting them will cause massive drama

Just for information they are both childfree and still go out drinking etc so we are leading quite different lives atm

I just don't know the right thing to do I don't want to be unkind

Yeah unfortunately alot of your time will be taken up by your 2 year old as you say they are child free so can pritty much do what they want when they want.
What kind of challenge after challenge have you faced with them?

Have they invited you to do things and you have had to refuse because of childcare? If so this may be a reason why they have stopped inviting you to do things as they automatically think that you won't be free.
They may not want to do things/activities /days out that involved children as they don't have children themselves.

What reasons did they give to not attend your hen do? What were you planning to do for your hen do?!

People grow and change and having DC definitely changes perspective and priorities. Focus on people who are genuine to you and if it fizzles out with a few that's just life.

I didn’t lose friends Because of my 30s but I did lose friends because of having my daughter.

People who don’t have kids just don’t get it.

I lost one very good friend who judged me rather than supported me whilst I was finding my feet as a new mama in a pandemic. I think she took it personally that I could no longer give her the time and energy I had before.

I wouldn’t Uninvite them to the wedding. This seems reactionary. It took a long time but what helped me was being accepting of the new reality with this friend. I also focused more on my non judgmental friends, and those friendships blossomed more.

Have a look at the grey rock method. This is along the lines of what I did with this friend. It meant I didn’t have to enter any drama or arguments or ‘end the friendship’ but I got to set my boundaries and keep my peace,

Good luck op xx

I actually lost almost all of my 'pre motherhood' friends once I had DC. We were just in completely different phases with different priorities and I was busy. As were they.
It's sad in hindsight and I regret it.
But socialising with others with DC the same age was just so much easier.
I made a lot of new friends.

I wouldn’t Uninvite them to the wedding. This seems reactionary.

Agree with this.
Them not coming to the hen shouldn't mean you don't want them at all. I think you're just upset about that but might regret it later or cause unnecessary drama not inviting to wedding. I often don't go to hen dos but still the wedding.

Just to add a different perspective here, I lost friends in my 30s because I was the only one without kids! Unable to attend daytime activities due to FT job, people moving away from the city, left out of conversations about things I had no experience of and it felt very "we have our NCT friends now so don't need you anymore". To the point where I can't even drop off birthday and Christmas presents for their kids as they just won't see me.

It was really upsetting! So I think the answer is that friends easily drift apart when your lifestyles become different - unless you really put the effort in. Which one of my friends did, and we've remained close and I have loved spending time with her kids.

I haven't 'lost' friends, but I've left friendships behind.

Deliberately honing your social circle over time leaves you with only people you love to bits. I'm so proud of my friendship circle. Supportive, drama free, fun... you don't have to be friends with anyone, and if they manipulate you to stay friends with them by causing a fuss, that's even more reason to leave them behind.

Let them make their drama, don't get involved. Even to the extent of saying 'I'm not getting involved in this drama', if necessary.

As a child free person, I have to pipe up and say this is not a mum/childfree issue, this is because they are twats.

They’re arseholes, get rid

As l am getting older (mid 40's now(, my friendship circle is getting smaller.
Having children didn't make me lose friends but it helped me find my voice so l no longer tolerate things that l deem unreasonable which beforehand l would have done .
But it doesn't make me feel sad, it makes me think l know the friends l have now are top quality.

Yes I did lose them in my 30s but I gained them in my 40s and now they are hugely important to me and my wellbeing.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

As l am getting older (mid 40's now(, my friendship circle is getting smaller. Having children didn't make me lose friends but it helped me find my voice so l no longer tolerate things that l deem unreasonable which beforehand l would have done . But it doesn't make me feel sad, it makes me think l know the friends l have now are top quality.

Absolutely this with bells on. I'm going through the exact same 'recalibration' and know exactly who I wish to give my time to.

Read 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck'. It was a game changer for me.

I choose to keep company only with excellent people.

Thank you for all your responses

My two best friends are child free and we do plenty of things just us without my toddler so I don't think that is necessarily why.

And no I didn't say no to things they just didn't even think to invite me. I don't want to give too many specifics because it would be outing but I don't have any mum friends as I was the first one to have kids and had my son when no groups etc were running.

I think perhaps my perspective on life has changed because of my son though and I am much less of a people pleaser and maybe that doesn't work for them

I won't uninvite them but hoping they won't come now tbh

@Avarua

I choose to keep company only with excellent people.

This this this ^^

That's how to have a happy life. It doesn't matter what else is going on. If you've got wonderful, supportive people around you, everything is so much better than if you're surrounded by people who make you worry and wonder and fret.

@Maunderingdrunkenly

As a child free person, I have to pipe up and say this is not a mum/childfree issue, this is because they are twats.

They’re arseholes, get rid

Sorry this made me laugh but so true I think as two of my best friends who are honestly the best people ever are childfree!