Therapist asked if I do any beauty treatments (?)

[me4real]

It kind of came across like she was saying I looked scabby? Should I be offended (I kind of am?)

I actually do quite a bit of stuff sometimes.

But they do say you can't polish a turd (not very easily, anyway.)

I work in mental health and I wonder if she was asking this to think about what kind of self care/relaxing things you like to do? If I asked, this would be why - to work out what you like doing and what you could build on to take more time for you, not in any way related to how you look!

I think it's more likely she was trying to encourage you to take some time out to pamper yourself, even if she was clumsy in the way that she worded it, if that makes sense.

Hopefully she had the best of intentions.

But be aware that a lot I toxic people gravitate towards counciling roles. Because its a place where people are vulnerable and they can take advantage.

So you're getting bad vibes and she makes you feel shitty then you can absolutely look for another councilor instead.

I would think if it was one on one counselling then yes likely to do with self care . If it was relationship counselling I’d see that as extremely judgy and sexist

@Pinkbonbon

Hopefully she had the best of intentions.

But be aware that a lot I toxic people gravitate towards counciling roles. Because its a place where people are vulnerable and they can take advantage.

So you're getting bad vibes and she makes you feel shitty then you can absolutely look for another councilor instead.

Easy there, people often start counselling training with a significant amount of baggage but training is vigorous and it's hard to get through it without unpacking a significant amount of stuff. OP it you need clarification address it back to your counsellor. Ask them directly.

'Should I be offended' is a flawed question. Hopefully your counselling will teach you that there are no 'shoulds', except that you should accept whatever you feel, respect it, and respond to it.

So, in this instance, you are offended. There are no external rules to say whether you're right or not, and we wouldn't be able to advise you anyway, as there are a million nuances we don't know about (context, tone of voice, facial expression, previous conversations, known attitudes, to name a few)

So really, you need to be thinking 'I am offended by what (s)he asked: how do I want to deal with this?' Think about your options... you can move on, you could tell her you don't want to do it again, you could tell her you felt offended, you could ask why she asked, you could cancel your sessions and find another counsellor, you could report her for misconduct... you've got a lot of options, and you need to decide what's relevant and appropriate.

But thinking 'I'm offended. Am I allowed to be?' isn't healthy. You are allowed all your feelings. Communicate them respectfully to the world, and you probably won't need your counsellor anymore anyway.

I have been to individual counselling and group counselling, in both I was advised to do something ,that made me feel good about myself. It could be a bubble bath, a face pack, a pedicure, painting my finger nails.
I do not believe, it was meant in a negative sense but as a way to nurture myself.
In fact, in the group we had a face book group and I often laughed when someone popped up with a face pack on. In no way, were any of the women scabby. We were just being encouraged to feel good about ourselves and give our selves treats.
When someone is depressed, it can be hard to even get out of their night wear.
I am sure that the counsellor did not mean it in a mean or negative way.
I am very interested in psychology and do a lot of reading on the subject. The sites or books are always suggesting treats that make you feel good about yourself.
Wishing you well. Take care.

Only you were there so only you know what the context was.
Most likely it was meant in a "do something to pamper yourself/make yourself feel better" way rather than "you look like a scruff, sort yourself out"
For a lot of people having a beauty treatment is the first thing that springs to mind when they want to relax/feel better etc.
I hate beauty treatments and it would be my idea of hell. I do other things to make myself feel better - sport and music.
If someone asked me if I did any beauty treatments I'd say no, and I'm not interested in doing any as I don't like them and they don't make me feel more positive about myself.

I'm sure it was meant as treat yourself. Care for yourself. It's good advice. They often say when depressed or suffering. Just have a bath. Use any lotion and put it allover your body etc.

Learning to love and care for yourself is important. Ofcourse a therapist isn't going to be rude and saying it because they think you need improving. Unless you were filthy and smelly and they were gently saying you needed to care for yourself. I doubt that's the case anyway.

I totally depends in the context and what you were talking about before.

In the context of self care, doing things for yourself, etc that’s totally appropriate.
When you have just arrived and the counsellor has looked you up and down with a disapproved look on their face, not so much.

I wonder if she was looking closely at your skin and asking whether you use any of those serum face masks or whatever. In this cold weather, with the heating on, often the facial skin struggles so a bit of regular feeding does good. X good for you, having a facial too. And no more usin the word 'turd' about yourself. X

Btw i agree with @Houstonjane that you ARE offended.

I’d bring that to your next session so you can unpack the why and where it’s coming from.
If the counsellor is any good they will
1- take note that it’s a sensitive subject for you
2- help you understand why it’s a sensitive subject for you (and whether your reaction was appropriate/over reacted etc…)

Seems like a weird thing to ask. A better question would be to ask what you do to relax? Read a book, have a bath, light candles, go for a walk, book a massage?

Beauty treatment implies something that improve your physical appearance only. It comes across as quite judgemental.

I went to a therapist years ago and she was amazing. It really was life changing and never once did she say anything that would have caused offence. I went to another one prior to that who was overly critical and rude. I went along with it at the time, but looking back I can’t believe some of the things she said. I’ve since spoken to another of her clients and they felt the same.

Are you working on your self-esteem / self-worth with this counsellor?

If you are I wonder if it was “a loaded question”. To see how you respond to the potential for misunderstanding. The point of it being that you to recognise how the question made you respond emotionally and your reaction to it.

You responded by feeling offended. You reacted by assuming she was insulting you.

Your learning is perhaps to acknowledge how you felt about her words but instead of bottling it up and assuming the worst (your self-worth), ask for clarification (building your self-esteem).

Just a thought.

I would be offended by this question.

Because it is 100% a sexist question that would NEVER be asked to a man.

I wouldn't take it personally, but I would think a lot less of my counsellor if they asked me this question.

I’d ask.

I had been into treatments and fell into a depression, so my own psychiatrist will ask about it. But she has reason to, as it’s something I typically enjoy.

^Hopefully she had the best of intentions.

But be aware that a lot I toxic people gravitate towards counciling roles. Because its a place where people are vulnerable and they can take advantage.

So you're getting bad vibes and she makes you feel shitty then you can absolutely look for another councilor instead.

Easy there, people often start counselling training with a significant amount of baggage but training is vigorous and it's hard to get through it without unpacking a significant amount of stuff.^

@coffeeisthebest - @Pinkbonbon is right that some people are attracted to being a therapist for the wrong reasons, and some aren't good people (they're human so there are bound to be some better, some worse.) Some people attracted to it are nasty in a way that can't be changed because they don't want to change it.

I've certainly encountered some that were great, some that were less great, some that were awful.

Ofcourse a therapist isn't going to be rude and saying it because they think you need improving.

@Thinkingat3am People go on as if therapists are saints who never do anything unpleasant. They're people like everyone else and can be rude, nasty etc.

For a lot of people having a beauty treatment is the first thing that springs to mind when they want to relax/feel better etc. I hate beauty treatments and it would be my idea of hell. I do other things to make myself feel better - sport and music. If someone asked me if I did any beauty treatments I'd say no, and I'm not interested in doing any as I don't like them and they don't make me feel more positive about myself.

@iamnlhfss Yes I'm quite into the theory of self care, but for me it means trying to look after myself in life.

It is interesting and classic of me that I didn't feel I could say 'Pardon?' or disagree with the idea or anything- I immediately went in to telling her some things that I do to try and look good, to try and make her not think I'm scabby etc.

@something2say She had a slight smirk when she said it. I think the camera on my laptop is a bit crap and definitely not the most flattering.

If you are I wonder if it was “a loaded question”. To see how you respond to the potential for misunderstanding. The point of it being that you to recognise how the question made you respond emotionally and your reaction to it.

@DatingDinosaur I wouldn't want a therapist who played games with my emotions. That sounds like my ex, who was a therapist (not mine.)

You're right that I should ask for clarification, though.

I think if you try and talk to therapists about food issues etc, a lot of them don't get it or don't know what to do with you, even if they claim it's a specialism of theirs. Or it annoys them.

The classic was when I was talking to one therapist about it and she said 'haven't we had this conversation before?' When I was paying her over £60 an hour.

This current one- another thing she did was say 'you know what, I don't think you'd be bothered about this if you had a busy life' or something. I still would be, more so if anything.

I think I might wait until I go in the NHS CBT group for eating issues, where things will be more structured and in theory the people involved will have a lot of expertise.

Ok. I just don't agree that you can know the intention of what someone has said unless you ask them. I also don't see the problem with a therapist clarifying if you have had a conversation before, that feels quite real to me. Good luck with wherever you try next and I hope you find what you are looking for.

I think that fundamentally, you need to respect your own feelings, OP. If you don't feel she's trustworthy and 'on your side', you won't get the best out of counselling with her. It doesn't really matter whether she was being rude or not; the fact that you doubt her intentions is enough to indicate that you need to take action, whether that's to ask her about it, or move on. Brushing over it/pretending it's ok when she's said something that made you feel uncomfortable is probably the mindset that's left you needing counselling in the first place.

That's not a criticism; I came to counselling that way, and really valued the trust I had in my counsellor. It's so important, and worth making the effort to find if you don't strike it lucky the first time.

You should tell the therapist how you felt about their question. It will probably lead to some helpful stuff in your next session.