DH’s daily grumps and mood swings

[inneedofadvice123]

Namechanged as I have RL friends on here.

DH and I have been married 10 years, 2 kids in primary school.

DH comes from a family of hot-heads, and as the kids have got older and life’s stresses have worn him down, I have noticed his own moods alter drastically.

He is a great dad - the kids love him - and he genuinely wants to take care of all of us. He’s very hands on, does a lot round the house, and is a real moral support for me when the work or kids or life gets stressful. Because of this I am doubting my own feelings and I can’t figure out if we are just going through a rough patch or if this is normal life now.

He struggles with depression, anxiety, weight and health issues. Because of this, his mood swings are quite drastic. He will be normal one moment (never happy, but not unhappy) and then something will get his back up, he will storm about, shout and swear and clench his jaw in anger. Or he’ll withdraw into himself and sulk and barely talk. He has never raised a hand to me or the kids, but I do sometimes have to tell him to calm down when he screams at the kids. They can be trying, but for the most part they’re just being kids and I feel like he overreacts a lot.

I am not attracted to him anymore - I think because he is so grumpy the vast majority of the time. He tries to initiate sex occasionally but usually by just trying a grope so not particularly romantic!

My mind is so conflicted, he is so kind hearted but when he’s in a mood it’s a miserable existence in the house and I’ve noticed the kids mimicking the way he speaks to them, sniping and griping at each other. But on the flip side I can’t imagine not being together - he is also a great comfort and support and I know he genuinely loves all of us.

We have conversations every couple of months about his mood and he picks up for a bit but then we end up circling back round to the same situation a few months later. He goes to therapy, but I’m not sure that it’s actually helping the situation at all.

I don’t really know what my question is, I can’t talk to anyone IRL about this as all my family and friends love him and don’t tend to see the grumpy side that I have to deal with. I don’t think they’d understand. Any advice on how we can break this perpetual cycle of moodiness would be really appreciated.

If he's depressed he's going to really struggle. It's hard to control your moods when you feel like shit. I struggle and I don't live with another person and 2 young DC.

And this is why I do feel like a bitch - because I know he has depression and anxiety and I know he can’t help it. But it makes the whole house miserable. I don't even think this is fixable because this is just how he is. So maybe it’s how do I learn to cope with it myself. And how can we stop the kids picking up on it?

Is he getting treated for it?

I recognise with what you are saying, similar here...mine wouldn't get help for it though unfortunately.

He is on various medications, I know sertraline is one but not sure on the others. He does have fortnightly therapy which has been going on for maybe a year.

I’m sorry you’re going/went through similar experiences. How did you manage it yourself?

Well for now, I am focusing on not reacting to it bit staying calm and trying to give him some space. He gets stressed at work which can make it worse. It's not easy though

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you with this man now, a man whom you are no longer attracted to and one whose children are copying his behaviour by sniping at each other as he does to them?.

You describe him as both a Kind hearted, good dad - he is really neither is he?. You certainly do not call him a good husband.

He is seemingly not doing anything to address his depression and anxiety and I would think his therapist is of no benefit or use whatsoever. Many abusers cite depression and or anxiety as a reason and or excuse for their behaviour. This can also be learnt behaviour, you indeed write he comes from a family of hotheads. They behave as he does.

He comes across as emotionally abusive actually, the moods are used by him to control you(and in turn the kids) and the tempo of the household. Such men too are often quite plausible to those in the outside world, image is all important to them.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this as adults, no you would not. Why are these men also often described as great dads?. Women in poor relationships often write this when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. These men as well do not get the help they need because they also think they do not need it.

Do not continue to do your bit here to teach your children such damaging lessons about relationships. I would suggest you contact Women’s aid and talk to them also about your life with this man.

Is he going to the therapist
And asking
How can you help me break this cycle?
What strategies should I employ to stop shouting at the kids?

he has to recognise and want to change

You can only change your behaviour
Like ignoring him or walking off or every time send him outside to shout at the shed instead.

Funny how you get this but
all my family and friends love him and don’t tend to see the grumpy side that I have to deal with

So he controls it in their presence?

@AttilaTheMeerkat to be honest, I can't figure out what I personally get out of this relationship, we feel more like friends most of the time. He came home last night in a "good" mood, but we still barely talked to each other. This morning, again we have barely spoken - I got a bit cross with him because he said that we needed to keep an eye on one of the dogs today as she's not been well, then told me he was in meetings all day. So his comment about "we" needing to watch the dog got my back up as it means it's down to me and he knows I don't get breaks during my working day. He left the house snarking sarcastically about how he "loves this family."

I just can't imagine breaking this family up. The kids are still so young, it would break their hearts. We've only recently moved and have a big mortgage, logistically I don't see how I'd be able to manage.

@Embracelife I don't know the full details of his therapy sessions but he often comes out and tells me all about how they talked about his past trauma, but it doesn't seem like there have been any strategies discussed on managing his behaviours.

Perhaos he does not think or realise his behaviour impacts
Or does not care?
I suggest you go to some cbt type counselling sessions yourself
Look up depression fallout.
And start calling him out
"You are shouting , that is not ok"

And how can we stop the kids picking up on it?

You can't. They're not just witnessing it, it's being directed at them. It's happening to them. In their home.

And it's not just them imitating his behaviour, it's the damage to their central nervous system of living on eggshells in a house where dad might explode at any moment (and in fact does on a daily basis). So they never know when things will suddenly stop being calm. Can never truly relax.

Then also the impact on their self-esteem of him flying off the handle at them, because ultimately nothing they do is good enough. And what is acceptable one day might provoke hostility the next.

So are they imitating him, or are they being developmentally traumatised and feeling shit as a result of his behaviour, and lashing out in turn? My money's on the latter.

It is actually very upsetting to read your comment about him never laying a hand on any of you, as if that would somehow make such significant emotional harm ok. It's not ok to emotionally abuse your spouse and children so long as you don't also physically punch them.

What he is doing to his children has lifelong implications. If you spoke to a clinical psychologist with trauma expertise they would tell you that this kind of emotional neglect/abuse can be more damaging long term than physical abuse.

None of which makes him a monster or a bad person. This isn't about that. His actions are bad, his actions are damaging. He also has good qualities, and good behaviours.

That doesn't mean he's a bad person to be condemned, but it also doesn't mean he should be left to continue damaging his children.

They should not have to pay the price for this for the rest of their lives, which is what will happen if this is allowed to continue.

This sounds v difficult OP. You mentioned your DH has some health and weight issues, does this include / could potentially include diabetes? Drastic mood swings can be part of the condition

123
Re your comment:-

"I just can't imagine breaking this family up. The kids are still so young, it would break their hearts. We've only recently moved and have a big mortgage, logistically I don't see how I'd be able to manage".

Why would you two breaking up break their hearts?. That's you putting that onto them and that is not fair on them. They are already copying their dad's behaviour against each other amongst other things so they are being profoundly affected by what is happening within their home. What are they learning about relationships from you two here; its clearly not the relationship model that should be taught to them. You're showing them that, currently at least, this emotional abuse from their dad towards you (and in turn them) is still acceptable to you on some level. You get nothing good out of this relationship so why stay with him?. Staying for the sake of the children never works out at all well; you only have to read the threads on here from now adult children where one parent decided to conduct their own private based war against the other. More often than not these young people knew far more than what either parent cared to realise and wished their parents had split up far earlier on.

Would you want them to remain with such a man in their adult relationship merely because you did or chose to do so?. You would want better that this being shown to them for your children surely.

I would think it a given that he is not at all honest with this therapist about his part in life at home and has in turn manipulated this person to take his side. This person therefore ends up enabling the abuser.

Do not stay either because its somehow "easier" for you to do so; you will find that it is not and your kids are already finding life within this house not easy particularly when their dad is around. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad.

No obstacle is ultimately insurmountable so do not keep putting obstacles in your way. You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those to its fullest. At the very least I would urge you to contact Womens Aid about your life at home along with finding out what you would be entitled to in a divorce settlement. Knowledge here is power.

My dad was a lot like this. You never knew what was going to set him off. Tiny things would set him off and he would start shouting.

I never realised how much it affected me until I was 17 and went abroad on student exchange for a year. None of my host parents behaved in such a way. I realised how anxious I had been growing up in such an environment. It's affected me into adulthood and is a key reason I don't have kids, because I'm irrationally terrified of living in such a family environment again.

It took me a very long time to understand why my mum took so long to leave him. I don't judge anyone in that situation as I understand now that it can't be an easy decision. But I do wish she'd left a lot earlier rather than sticking it out for us kids.

@inneedofadvice123

And this is why I do feel like a bitch - because I know he has depression and anxiety and I know he can’t help it. But it makes the whole house miserable. I don't even think this is fixable because this is just how he is. So maybe it’s how do I learn to cope with it myself. And how can we stop the kids picking up on it?

But what is he doing about it?

And 'great dads' don't behave the way he does.

Kindhearted, great dads don't scream at their children. Get them away from him. How much are you going to forgive him 'because he's poorly'? If he was a responsible parent, he'd recognise during his calmer times that his volatility isn't good for his children, and be taking steps to distance himself from them whilst he sorted himself out.

Has he ever hinted at this? Or is he just nice (for a bit) when you tell him to be?

He sounds awful.
You sound like you're not facing the truth: you are giving your kids an example of what an adult relationship looks like. They will replicate this when they grow up. They will stay in relationships where they are yelled at for nothing. They will feel like 'a bitch' for saying how they feel. They will point out that it's ok, because they've never been actually hit.

Is that what you want?

I realise I sound harsh, but my mum did what you're doing, and my brother and I were both screwed up for years. You're not doing them a favour. You're accepting damaging behaviour into their lives.

I'd personally expect various medications and fortnightly therapy sessions which have been going on for a year to make a huge difference and his moods level with the occasional bad day not the behaviour you describe.

Are you sure he's actually taking his medication?

You don't have to put up with this. Even if he is doing everything he can to feel better, you don't have to put up with being his emotional punchbag, and neither do your kids. If you are hearing them mimicking his tone that is heartbreaking.

I'm not really just saying LTB - though if you want to LTB you should - but that you don't have to tiptoe round his illness and spoil your life and your kids' childhood because of it. Talk to him when he's not being a dick? Can he control his behaviour? Does he understand its impact on you?

If you're worried about what people think, anyone who has lived with somebody with mental ill health will not judge you for looking after yourself, and anybody who hasn't doesn't know what they're talking about. It's not punishing him, it's looking after yourself and your kids.

I found a book called "Non violent communication" helpful, also we talked about anger management techniques such as 'stop, breathe, leave' for example, maybe that would help?

@Orangesandlemons77

I found a book called "Non violent communication" helpful, also we talked about anger management techniques such as 'stop, breathe, leave' for example, maybe that would help?

I wonder if he'll get the kids to work on these techniques with him, too...

Oh and confide In someone irl
You do not have to keep this hidden
Be Frank
If he truly is always wonderful around others
Then he can control it
Chooses not to , or thinks it s OK

Exp also exhibited such behaviour around others tho worse at home, also had clinically diagnosexdepressio and anxiety, but it crossed over jnto control and abuse.
Dc were impacted
Took some time after leaving for their (imitation of him) behaviour to settle

I'm newly separated from someone very similar, and several friends have remarked how much more settled the DC are now they are away from their dad and his moods - they still see him, but don't live with him.

YOu also deserve more out of life, just existing is no way to live.

I won't say it's been easy, but it's a lot easier than imagining another 30 years with the misery my DH had become.

@Orangesandlemons77 we try the stop, breathe, leave, but he often refuses. I have to force him to go away to calm down.

Thank you all for your advice and lots to think about. DH has been in a really good mood today, he has been holed up working for most the day and appeared after I’d already sorted the kids and dogs out for dinner etc. He’s remained in a good mood so far, which is unusual as usually by this point in the day he’s stressing about something. I find it hard to picture his angry moody self when he’s like this but I think it might be a good time to have the conversation about what we do now.

He recognises the issue - he came out of his office and said to me “why are the kids so calm, is it because I’m not here” - I hear this a lot from him when the kids are being well behaved - but it’s actually getting him to do more than just recognise the issue that’s the challenge.

Thanks to whoever posted about depression fallout, that rang so true.

Mine has some in all stressed from work and without eating anything gone out to do more work...(sigh)