Am I just oversensitive?

[ElleBelleLou]

Hello,

I don't know if I am being oversensitive, but recently my DP has started making some comments that I'm not sure I'm taking the right way.

For context, before my current partner I was with someone who was quite horrendous to me. Controlling, abusive, manipulative and just all round vile. My current partner actually knows him (they briefly worked together while I was with my ex - about 7 years ago) and so is aware of the kind of person he is but not fully aware of the extent of the abuse both physically and mentally.

Right at the beginning of our relationship, I let my DP know that he may need to be more patient and sensitive with me because of my past. He is so understanding, so patient and truly a wonderful man but recently a few comments have made me feel a bit strange.

For example today he got home and saw my new dress on the sofa (it's too small, so is laid out for me to pack up and send back when I get back from work). He sent me a picture of it and said "Erm is there any more to this? haha xxx' I replied and said no, it's bigger than it looks but it's too small anyway so I'll be sending it back. He said "Yeah and getting one that at least covers your bits xxx". He did follow that message up with " it does look tiny but you can go out in what you want anyway I'm only joking xxx".

I don't know if I am just being oversensitive based on my history with my ex? I used to be so controlled I wouldn't dream of even starting to get dressed in the morning without my ex pre-approving what I would wear.

My DP hasn't been like this until recently, and I haven't taken things to heart this way until recently. My ex partner is due out of prison in the coming months, and I think we are both feeling the stress of any potential repercussions.

What do you think? I think after work today I will sit down with my DP and talk through how those kind of messages make me feel. But I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill?

I'd say given the description you gave of your DP, I wouldn't read anything sinister to it, my interpretation was that he was just trying to be funny. The fact that he realised how it had come across and instantly wanted to reassure you that how you dress is entirely your choice I think tells you he's a good man.

I can understand why you'd think otherwise, given your experience with your ex but as there are no red flags, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Definitely tell him how it made you feel though, and I'm sure he'll understand.

I agree with BreathingDeep, particularly the "tell him how it made you feel though, and I'm sure he'll understand." Make a bit of a joke out of it if you can.

I remember making a similar comment to dp when some shorts he bought were very short.

It was a joke. I dont care what he wears. Genuinely no ill intention at all. So I am inclined to think it was just a joke.

I do understand your pov. My exh was abusive and it leaves it scars.

But please remember, you can talk about things that upset you. But you can't expect him to avoid all jokes, converstation matters comments etc that could trigger you. Sometimes, it for you to work through and understand there was no ill intentions. Because he will just end up walking on egg shells and that's not a good relationship.

Its a really difficult balance. But by what you have said about him, I can see that you can get that balance right. But you may need to give him more back ground Info.

Thanks everyone for the advice - I thought as much with me being a bit sensitive to it.

I've become an expert at paying attention to red flags and can safely say my DP has never displayed any - this was a pinkish flag at most!

I will talk to him tonight, but light heartedly. He definitely knew I was uncomfortable judging by his follow up messages, and we are brilliant at communicating.

I think he just goes with banter then takes a step back and realises I might get upset or triggered based on my past, but he knows I don't like that fact and that I'd rather him talk to me as if my past never happened - but it is balance and we can't always get it right.

I think he was joking OP and realised for himself you could take it the wrong way and so sent the final message to show he didn't mean it that way. I think its a good idea to tell him how you felt for the sake if the openess in your relationship, but I'd be non accusatory as it doesn't sound as though he meant any harm, just a clumsy joke

I am very sensitive about things like that and I think what he said was ok.

I think that the level of sensitive you are is the right level for you, same as everybody else. We all have experiences that make us sensitive to certain things.

If he is a sensitive partner, you'll be able to tell him how you feel when he makes comments like that. No mountains, no molehills, just a simple sentence 'When you make comments like x, y or z, I feel a, b or c.' There's no mountain here. He can choose to stop making such comments, because he respects you; that's the healthy outcome.

Do you think that would happen?

It would be unhealthy to not tell him how you feel; that he's unwittingly doing something that bothers you; that his behaviour unsettles you. Might you do that? I suspect you might, because you're asking here, rather than talking to him. What stopped you going to him and telling him how you feel?

I will talk to him tonight, but light heartedly

Why would you force light heartedness when he's done something that bothered you? I'd be opting for straightforward, drama free, but not making light of how I felt in response to his comment. He's triggering feelings in you that are related to past abuse; that's not something light hearted. Don't minimise your feelings.

You have to trust that he is not like your ex. He didn't do it to control you. But he realised, and apologised. I would leave it, tbh, but others are giving you different advice, so they would handle it differently, which is fine.

I can see how it sounds like he's saying "What the hell is this dress doing here, it's bothering me don't do it again".

However it sounds like he's probably just asking about it because he's curious. The haha and joking sounds like as others have said that he's just being nosey.

Always worth checking though and a good partner will go out of the way to console you. Instead of making you feel silly.

You have to trust that he is not like your ex

This is very bad advice. Nobody 'has to' have any feeling. We all need to respect the feelings we have naturally, and respond to them in ways that are respectful to others. Feeling external pressure of 'having to' trust someone is really dangerous. It's what lands people in abusive relationships.

Not saying that your partner is abusive, by any means, OP. Just saying you don't have to feel something you don't feel. If you feel wobbly, trust-wise, with someone, then you talk to them and get the reassurance you need. You don't just 'try' to feel it.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind replies and advice. I spoke to my partner last night, and he said he realised straight away how I may be taking his messages and felt terrible. I apologised for jumping to stressing and all is well.

Thank you!

Aww he sounds lovely OP!

You’re sensitive - with good reason - not OVER-sensitive. Keep communicating with him and try not to question yourself too much x

That's a really nice update, OP.

So pleased for you OP. He sounds a good egg, as do you.