Feeling forced to have ex in my life

[RedCandyApple]

My ex doesn’t see our children at all and hasn’t for over a year, he has never taken them once since we split 4 years ago and would only see them if it meant coming to my house (he won’t take them he refuses to) he would come down to see them at my house only, I put my foot down and told him he couldn’t come to my house to see them anymore he had to take them out somewhere. To be clear I don’t have a problem with him seeing them I just didn’t want it at my house.

Well he did this a few times then just stopped bothering to see them and blamed it on me. He sees me and the children as a package. There’s been some contact over the year but he hasn’t seen them. Lately my oldest (who has SN) has become harder and harder to manage, I am stuck in my house as I can’t take her out anywhere as I can’t manage her behaviour, I’ve not had one night off in 4 years, the only break I get is when they are at school. I can’t manage my daughters behaviour on my own anymore, I have family but they are not much help the only help is my mum and our relationship is rocky. I just feel like I’m forced to have my ex back in my life again. I will have to have him here to see the children as I don’t have any other choice. Does anyone else have this set up of their ex coming to their house to see the children? How can I cope with this? I really can’t stand the man and I resent him having to be in my life but I don’t see an alternative. Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and how to cope long term

Don't invite your ex back into your house. That'll never end well. Are you eligible for respite care for your DD?

No,
You get caters assessment
And get respite thru ss children with disabilities
You try every avenue
Shared lives Foster carers
Respite centres
Direct payments

You do not have to hzvd ex
Tho ss may ask if he us around
If he is You do not have to have him in your house
Dd goes to school
So she can go out of house for respite

Carers assessment

How old is dd?

Unfortunately I don’t want to go down the ss route due to bad experiences in the past with them, I would honestly rather have my ex around 😔 if my children were NT I wouldn’t even be considering this, I don’t see why I should be the one doing it all on my own.

You have to go down ss route
Ss for children and adults with disabilities is the only way
Unless you rolling in money and can purchase care privately
Ss are gatekeepers to services
Ss team children with disabilities are there to help
And it is the only way to access some forms of respite

They are not child protection

But if you prefer to get your ex involved
So be it

But you would be making mistake in not accessing services you may be entitled to vi children with disabilities team

What is the contingency if you get sick?
Where do the kids go?

Get an advocate (can be any friend or teacher etc) to attend meetings with ss and get a care assessment
Ask at her school , other parents on what might be feasible and what people access

@RedCandyApple
Dont let him back in this can make your dc behaviour worse than what it is like they can blame you for him having to leave after a visit, you will work this out and get a routine going for what suits you and dc.

He's still trying to control you by doing this, tell him yous are not a package anymore, it's you and the kids and him and the kids, and it's all down to him for not seeing the kids.

Anyway
You are not being forced
You are choosing to go down ex route
When other avenue is open to you
Try again with ss
It will be different people most likely
If there is something bad in the past get an advocate

But some services you can self refer
Like KEEN in Oxford and london

You’ve got to get help. You deserve a break and support. It hasn’t gone well before but reach out to agencies for respite care. How old is she? Have you got a school SENCO? It doesn’t have to be SS does it? The school can refer you to the right people?

I’ve had ss involved in the past they were awful, someone made a malicious report about me a few years ago and unfortunately ss were terrible, they even advised I contacted my ex for support... in fact the sw was fixated on him and they were extremely judgmental hence being reluctant to go down that route again

Is he insisting on your house because he wants to see you?

If you think that's it then what about saying to him ok, come see them at the house. I will be out for the duration of your visits but X (male relative) will be there at all times instead.

It would be interesting to see if he would still insist on it being at your house.

Yes I believe so as when he last came I stayed in my room (so he could have some alone time with the children) but he said that was acting “weird” and he won’t come again if I’m acting weird

I cant see how your ex is going to provide much at all given he doesnt have a relationship with his DC. You want a break but allowing a man who chooses not to bother to pop round will lead to more distress for your older DD. I am not sure why SS need to be involved? If she has SEN then you can get support

@RedCandyApple

I’ve had ss involved in the past they were awful, someone made a malicious report about me a few years ago and unfortunately ss were terrible, they even advised I contacted my ex for support... in fact the sw was fixated on him and they were extremely judgmental hence being reluctant to go down that route again

Hopefully it will be a different sw.

Ss are gatekeepers to accessing support

But there may be some activities you can leave dd at that you can self refer
Talk to school

Or if you have funds you xzn employ someone yourself
Spend her dla on that

@rogueone

I cant see how your ex is going to provide much at all given he doesnt have a relationship with his DC. You want a break but allowing a man who chooses not to bother to pop round will lead to more distress for your older DD. I am not sure why SS need to be involved? If she has SEN then you can get support

I think respite is through ss

If you want to get allocation of funds to pay carers
Or access certain respite facilities
It s thru ss children with Disabilities

If you want to fund it all yourself you might be able to but will be costly

Some activities you can self refer
But you may then need to fund yourself

Why do that when you might be entitled to funded respite including overnight respite ?

Which might be good for dd.

Ss isn't one big group.

If someone made a malicious report before, you would have been dealing with child protection. If you contact them re your child's disabilities, you would be dealing with the disabilities team.

Totally different people with a totally different remit.

And, whichever team you are dealing with, you can request a different social worker if you don't feel supported by them.

Try ringing family support and also involve the senco from the school.

Could you also pay for some childcare or babysitting?

The senco already knows about my issues with my daughter as I barely manage to get her into school and when I do get her to the gates she runs off down the road and members of staff have to chase her. She escaped from school the other day and ran down the road, so they are already aware of the difficulties I have with her I can’t get her into school until late as she refuses to walk and often lies on the floor screaming. But they only ever suggest referring me to early help which I know is part of social services and as I said due to my past experience I’ve not wanted to get them involved, they was also very critical of my house which I’m going to be honest is far from a palace I barely find the time to clean and when I do it is trashed again, so I don’t really need someone coming around judging me, looks like I will just have to keep things going as they are. I don’t think I could pay for babysitters as dd can be aggressive.

If dd is trashing it
Because of her SEN
You can get support
And help
Funding for safe spaces
Access to specialist carers.
Access to specialist respite
Etc
You won't get anywhere unless you start again with ss children with disabilities. Ask senco to attend meetings with you.

Are you also looking at residential maybe weekly boarding specialist school? Could be an option to provide 24 hour curriculum

You cannot continue as you are
You will burn out
If you collapse
Ss will be involved anyway
Or just hand dc over to ex?

Best work with them
To get support and respite

www.safespaces.co.uk/photo-gallery/

Does she have ehcp?
What do they say at annual review?
How old?