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Relationships

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Original poster

Young but infrequent sex

20 replies

anotherThyme · 26/01/2022 15:58

My DP and I are mid-to-late 20s, and have been together a long time. The career paths we have both chosen require a fair amount of moving around, with little control over where we move to and so a fair amount of this has been a LDR commutable at weekends, which wasn't too bad when we were young. However I think this may have disguised the fact that sex has always been fairly infrequent.

Things are a little more fraught now, as his next career step has involved him moving away much, much further. It's not forever, but it is on the scale of a couple of years. I know this is an issue in itself, but what I wanted advice on was whether the lack of sex is improvable or not?

I have been able to spend some time with him continuously for a couple of months, and so far, there has been no PIV. I wouldn't say I have a high drive at all, but I get more of a sex drive the more that we're actually DTD, and I also want to feel intimate. So over the years I initiate, but get rejected a lot. He is very affectionate in every day life, and when we are active, he is always most keen on (giving) oral, so I find it confusing when he almost acts like sex doesn't exist altogether.

Normally, I might try take sex off the table for a while to reduce pressure to perform. But I'm aware that if things aren't improving but getting worse now, since we have much less time together I can't hold onto the idea of us working on and improving it at some other time. I have asked in the past, he says he doesn't know why.

Does he just not fancy me, really?
Or is there some way I can open an honest dialogue at this stage, without it adding to the pressure immensely and being counterintuitive?

OP posts:

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 26/01/2022 16:06

Does it matter why sex isn't working, really?

You have to ask him directly what's up with the lack of sex. If the two of you can't talk about these kinds of issues, you don't have a future anyway. "What's up with the fact that we've been together all the time for two months but haven't had sex at all?" is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, not pressuring. You need to have that conversation, but even after you do, things are unlikely to change.

Can you stay in this relationship if there is never more sex, and in fact likely less in future? That is the question you have to ask yourself.

Dillydollydingdong · 26/01/2022 16:30

You say you've been together a long time. Things get stale sexually - haven't you heard of the 7 year itch? Quite apart from the fact that your dp seems to have a low sex drive anyway... If you're still only in your twenties, I can't see this improving. Can you live with a sexless life?

30andfeelingit · 26/01/2022 16:47

Men not sleeping with their girlfriends is VERY common.

If you look up attachment styles you’ll find 25% of people (mostly men) will have an avoidant attachment style.

This means they will not get close to you. They don’t let you into their lives, thoughts, feelings and they won’t have sex with you. They are pretty unemotional people.

Pky45 · 26/01/2022 16:50

That’s a very low sex drive, he might have very low testosterone levels or be asexual or just not like PIV or some other reason, but it won’t get any better.
When I was mid to late 20s it was sex pretty much daily, even now I’m older and probably would go weekly if possible

Pky45 · 26/01/2022 16:53

Men not sleeping with their girlfriends is VERY common.

If your not sleeping with your girlfriend, she is not your girlfriend, she is a friend who happens to be a woman.

junglejane66 · 26/01/2022 17:57

Normally, I might try take sex off the table for a while to reduce pressure to perform

Maybe he just doesnt like sex on the table, I'd probably stick with the bed for now

MazzleDazzle · 26/01/2022 18:08

You deserve to feel desired and have a fulfilling sex life. It’s not going to get better. If anything, it’ll get worse as he gets older.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

PlanetNormal · 26/01/2022 18:09

In your 20s, with no children and spending frequent time apart, you should be at it like rabbits when you’re together. This isn’t going to change or improve on its own, so it’s time for some straight talking. You need to get to the bottom of why a normal, healthy young man doesn’t want to have sex with his girlfriend.

When you find out what is really going on, you can then make some decisions. Do you want a family in future? If so, how is that going to work if he doesn’t want to have sex with you?

Silverswirl · 26/01/2022 18:14

@Pky45

Men not sleeping with their girlfriends is VERY common.

If your not sleeping with your girlfriend, she is not your girlfriend, she is a friend who happens to be a woman.

I see. Go down on your friends often do you. Can’t stand people who give this blunt simplistic statement. I guess people who are disabled or chronically ill or too old and frail arnt married anymore then? They just have a friend living with them rather than their wife or husband. For gods sake grow up. Marriage / life partner is far more that sex

SparklingLime · 26/01/2022 18:16

He might be focused on porn rather than RL sex?

MMmomDD · 26/01/2022 18:24

Well - relationship doesn’t need sex, if neither of people have much of a libido.
Yours seems slightly higher than his. His seems to be low to non-existent.

However - it is possible you have suppressed yours because of how he is.
And eventually - this will catch up with you.

It is also possible that the two of you have outgrown this relationship. You met young, had lots of growing up and maturing to do. Now - you are there and it seems that what you had ran out of steam. And by now you are bonded by habit and friendship, more than a romantic connection.
Is that what you want in life?

You are both young. And him moving away may give you a natural break where you both can see if dating other people may reignite and kickstart some different phase in your lives.

curmudgeonly007 · 26/01/2022 18:58

@Silverswirl
I think that comment was fine really based on the original post, both are young, seemly active with no reported disabilities, the OP also reports she has been regularly rejected, so, yeah, a not unreasonable comment

But this is just total bollocks.
Men not sleeping with their girlfriends is VERY common.

curmudgeonly007 · 26/01/2022 19:35

OP,
Unfortunately I think you are flogging a dead horse when it comes to sex, a 30 year old should be jumping all you really

Original poster

anotherThyme · 26/01/2022 21:10

Thanks for all the replies, it's given me a lot to think about.

Not wading into the argument about how common or not, but think @30andfeelingit is onto something, as he is also a reserved person... I'm quite an open person, and both female and male friends often come to me when they need advice, so I feel like I know the ins-and-outs of everyone else's feelings and love lives and yet it's very hard to get to the bottom of it with my own DP!

I don't think it can be anything like porn addiction, or other women etc. as when we are together, we're together nearly 24/7 working from home, and it would be very hard to disguise something like that.

And @junglejane66 hah! I'd jump at the chance for sex on the table

OP posts:

Anothernick · 27/01/2022 08:04

You need to think pretty seriously about your future with him - it's common, though not universal, for a man's sex drive to diminish with age. If he hardly wants it now you could be looking at many sexless decades to come when he is older.

30andfeelingit · 27/01/2022 09:33

Anyone who thinks this is bollocks obviously doesn’t know about attachment style.

I have spoken to many people over the years and yes it is common. 1 in 6 relationships are sexless. I am also training to be a psychosexual counsellor.

You can read a book called ‘attached’ it will explain everything and there is even a test in the book to see what style your partner is.

Pky45 · 27/01/2022 10:39

1 in 6 relationships are sexless.

Eh ? 1 in 6 is only 16%, so 84% are not sexless by your own numbers ?
How can that possibly be VERY common

30andfeelingit · 27/01/2022 15:56

I would say 1 in 6 is common but if you don’t think so then that’s your opinion.

Hypothetically If you work in an office with 30 people statistically 5 of them would be in a sexless relationship. (Assuming they are all in a relationship and not single)

Cardilogical · 27/01/2022 16:10

Could he be gay?

ClareBlue · 30/01/2022 03:09

@30andfeelingit

Anyone who thinks this is bollocks obviously doesn’t know about attachment style.

I have spoken to many people over the years and yes it is common. 1 in 6 relationships are sexless. I am also training to be a psychosexual counsellor.

You can read a book called ‘attached’ it will explain everything and there is even a test in the book to see what style your partner is.

Well let's hope your training gives you some insight. Long term relationships might become sexless for numerous reasons which doesn't mean you are suddenly just a friendship if you have brought up children, supported each other in life and work you are not then just a friend of the opposite sex because you are not having sex. And then some become unsexless, and some become sexless due to health or trauma or a number of reasons and it doesn't define the relationship or their lives. And no definition would consider 16 percent very common.

The real issue, as always on this threads, is if one is not happy with the level of sex within the relationship then it is a problem. The OP has twice indicated she has a desire that is increased when she has sex and stated she dreams of regular sex and jokingly says she fancies it on the table.
Both indicate that the low level of sex is not what she really wants.
As people have said. This very rarely improves if it is an issue in you twentys pre any children.
And it is almost never because the partner is not fanciable, it's deeper and more complex and you really have to decide if trying to deal with it before you have any other life commitments like children, us worth it.

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