Line between being flaky and being selfish/having boundaries

[breakdown19]

I hate being flakey.
Why do I hate it?
Often I am delighted when the other person cancels...
so why do I feel bad when I cancel..
I have just cancelled a loose plan because I am getting over covid and have the chance to get a treatment that will help me get over covid instead
It's a legitimate reason
But I feel like a flake

Why!

If you have a genuine and understands reason for cancelling plans, such as being ill or having a medical appointment, then that isn’t flakey. Nobody would think that flakey - unless you have a habit of always being “ill” and people doubt you’re being honest.

Flakey is cancelling without good reason because you’ve changed your mind or have had a better offer. It’s pretty much always rude and selfish, even if you personally wouldn’t mind being cancelled on, because somebody else has planned their time, perhaps given up other activities or opportunities, only to be left with nothing to do when you cancel.

I’m not sure where boundaries come into being flakey. It would be installing boundaries to say no to a request to do something you didn’t want to do with somebody you didn’t want to spend time with in the first instance. It isn’t boundaries to agree to do something and then cancel on them.

do you have people pleasing tendencies? maybe there’s some stuff to unpack in not protecting your own boundaries in the past, so you feel (unnecessarily) guilty when you do actually enforce a boundary.

You probably feel like a flake because you have an outward focus. It sounds like you care what others think of you and perhaps care about the judgements they will form on your actions.

Putting the needs of others before your own is rooted in fear and insecurity. The fear of rejection and abandonment from others (care givers/friends/lovers) can be so strong that you will reject and abandon your own needs to please them. It is a misguided attempt to validate your own self worth by attempting to control how others perceive you. The truth is it is safe to prioritise your needs. It is safe for others to be disappointed with you.

Hope you’re feeling better soon OP

Do you think that others think you're not telling the truth?

Perhaps it's because you feel yourself you've cancelled on too many occassions prior to this. So perhaps if you feel like this is too much.

My partner has a friend who only lives 20 minutes drive away. She's failed to come over to our new house 5 times since June last year. We've deliberately decided not to go visit her because why should my partner make all the effort.

People make time for the things they value most. Although I know anxiety can sometimes play a part. Ultimately if you don't make the time for your friends you might drop down their list of priorities and eventually the friendship could end.

I would honestly look at the past and decide if you need to make a change and make more effort.

It's an irregular verb, isn't it?

I draw clear boundaries and respect my own needs
You can be a bit flakey when times are tough
S/he is selfish and just does whatever they want

This is so interesting
Yes I do have people pleasing tendencies - I am working on this