Are these narcasstic traits

[JLBear12]

I have recently been left by my partner after 5 years for another woman. When I was discussing this with a close friend she said that she thinks my partner was a narcissist. I am unsure and was wondering if someone could tell me if the following behaviours are classic narcasstic traits.

Sulking when couldnt get his own way

Stonewalling and silent treatment whenever I was trying to discuss issues in the relationship.

Walking out for hours or overnight when didnt like the conversations.

Flirting with women online trying to make me insecure (it worked).

Subtle putdowns and sarcasm towards me in front of others, like acting cocky

Being told I was silly, stupid or too sensitive if I was upset over something.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t shout “narcissist”…did he always believe he was right? Imply he was perfect and you were the problem? There’s certainly evidence of emotional abuse. Sulking and silent treatment/stonewalling are abusive behaviours.
Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft? I found it enlightening.

Look up Dr Ramani on youtube. She has excellent content on narcissism

Possibly. Does the label matter? He was abusive.
well done for getting shot of a massive wanker!

Why does it matter to you to label his poor behaviour, OP? What will you get from doing that?

Your situation isn't about him now. It's about you. Are you labelling your own behaviour? Are you querying what made you stay in a relationship with someone who treated you like that?

That's where your mind needs to be now. Focus on yourself. Any time spent wondering about why he did what he did is time you could be spending on yourself. Why choose to focus on him?

I think it's more curiosity and yes he never ever apologised, everything was everyone elses fault never his

Not sure about narcissism but definitely a dickhead, and you're well rid.

Everybody has narcissistic traits, OP. Those you detailed are on the narcissistic side, yes. Whether he is diagnosable as having narcissistic personality disorder or not is a professional matter, so it's not something you'll ever know. I think it's best to use the label 'selfish abusive sod who didn't care about my feelings', accept that as the most accurate label you can get for him, stop trying to understand him, and move on.

You'll never understand him, and you should be glad you don't. We understand people who do things in ways similar to the ways we would do them ourselves. Be glad you're so different from him that you can't even get your head around why he is the way he is. Your lack of understanding of his cruelty defines you as nice, kind, decent, miles and miles away from cruelty yourself. Move it from 'I don't understand him, and I really want to' to 'Thank god I could never understand such shit behaviour, because I'm too lovely.'

Agree with @thefoundation. But I also know sometimes its useful to understand the label and use it to communicate. Most people understand what those kinds of behaviours look like as shorthand. Often time coming out of these things we can question ourselves (was I mad? Am I the problem? Was he actually stonewalling me or was he just processing? Did I cause this?) So its again useful to see the broader pattern and maybe the label helps to give some certainty when we're prone to self doubt. But don't go down the rabbit hole too much. It won't help because its more about them. The question left is...why did I excuse it all? Why did I doubt myself? How can I make sure i don't abandon myself again?

@supercali77 I think that's the issue, trying to work out why I put up with it, sometimes I wonder whether I subconsciously did it because he was a good stepdad to my disabled daughter and I often thought who else would want me with a disabled child so I settled for being used and abused. I am very ashamed of that way of thinking if I am totally honest. He has hurt me massively as well xx

Sounds more like avoidant attachment to me.
I associate narcissism with manipulation, lying and going to any lengths to get their own way

@AdamRyan

Sounds more like avoidant attachment to me. I associate narcissism with manipulation, lying and going to any lengths to get their own way

Things like this aren't mutually exclusive.

And there's a lot of manipulation, lying, and going to any lengths to get his own way in OP's list of behaviours, anyway.

@AdamRyan whilst doing my googling on attachment styles, 90% of narcissists have the avoidant style and oh my days could he lie. In fact his family think hes a pathological liar

Just my 2p
Having been married to someone who was extremely manipulative and played a long game to get exactly what he wanted, OPS description didn't quite fit for me. However I also think you can drive yourself mad with finding a cause

@JLBear12 thats a perfect bit of insight. If you look up superego injunctions you might find it helpful. Or a less psychological term is 'inner critic'.

@supercali77 thanks thats really interesting, to be fair my inner critic is my worst enemy if am honest, I have always been very down on myself. I am trying to change that now and be more positive about myself x

@JLBear12

I think it's more curiosity and yes he never ever apologised, everything was everyone elses fault never his

In my experience, never apologising is a classic trait. They never do wrong. God forbid they admit there’s anything wrong/bad/shameful about their behaviour.

I now steer well clear of people who don’t admit to making mistakes.

@francescacontini oh he was horrendous for that and if he ever did make an apology, it was I think I might be sorry. He also told many many lies, had a very immature attitude and was also quite passive aggressive whenever I went out without him xx