Parents, Family and Just feeling Unloved

[LutonConfused]

Help

At the end of last year I had a milestone birthday. We were going through high COVID numbers, I didn't really know how to celebrate so left plans open. I hadn't put anything in stone, but just over a month before my birthday, my elderly Dad announces that he is going to help my sister move house (she is married with her own family but her husband is not practical) and whilst the exact dates aren't known, its on my birthday weekend. Deep down I feel gutted that he's not even remembered that its my birthday.

I come to terms with it, and tell my mother that my wife and I will drive down to see her on that weekend and take her out to dinner by herself.

The day before I reconfirm with my mum and when I say its three of us, she gets angry and says that my Dad will be there. Cut a long story short, but they moved house a few days earlier than expected. They never informed me of their plans, the never called me or texted just to let me know. She says that Im being stupid in assuming my Dad wasnt going to be there.This upset me massively but I tried to move on.

My actual birthday comes and my parents whatsapp me a message in the evening, but nothing from anyone else in my family. My parents gave me a small present but nothing from my siblings. My siblings have 10 children between them, I remember all 10 of their birthdays, and their parents. That's 14 birthdays and they cant even be bothered to remember one of mine. My parents drive 5 hours to go and see my two siblings maybe 5 or 6 times a year, but they haven't visited me for 4 years now.

I was diagnosed with depression a while back, and no one in my family rang me on my birthday just to wish me happy birthday or ask how I was.

I don't know what to do. I yearn for their love and to feel on a par when it comes to my parents priorities. My wife says I try, and when it doesn't happen i feel rejection, so don't try. But part of me then feels that I'm just closing the relationship off. But the harder I try, the worse it gets. They are not malicious, but to not ring and wish your son a happy birthday has been incredibly hurtful to me

Yes, that is hurtful. I'm so sorry you have been treated this way. It seems your wife loves you and has given you sound counsel. So, concentrate on that and building your support around the new family you have created. You can't change your parents and siblings behaviour but you can change your response to it. Were you a bit overlooked as a child within the family too?

Sadly this sounds to me like the classic tale of the person who keeps doing the same thing expecting a different outcome one day. It ain't gonna happen. I am so sorry.

For whatever reason your parents do not appear to cherish you. They haven't visited you in four years? And yet for your birthday you choose to go out for a meal with them? Why not spend it with friends instead? People who appreciate you?

You buy fourteen birthday presents and send them each year and yet none of them return the favour? Stop! They do not deserve your kindness.

I agree with the PP. I think you need to concentrate on your wife and hopefully friends that you have who do treat you well. Believe that you deserve to be treated decently . Best of luck.

I worried that if I move on from my family, and don't involve them with my life, that I will always be depressed about the fact that I don't have a strong relationship with what are meant to be primary people in my life. This might sound weird, but if they had passed away then I wouldn't yearn for something because its not achievable

My mum is saying that I am not inviting them into my life, but I'm just shutting down to protect myself.

And my relationship with my wife hasn't been great. Its been stressed over the past few years. I think maybe some professional help is needed I guess.

Are your siblings girls? My husband has the same situation with his parents, he is the only boy and the 3 sisters get treated very differently for some reason. They think he is fine and sorted and the girls always need their help Very odd.

This seems like dissonance between what your fantasy is of what family should be and the reality of your own particular family. For whatever reason your family aren't providing you with what you would like. You have also got into the spiral that is people pleasing ie if you treat them well they will do the same for you. It's all very soul destroying and harmful to your self esteem as the constant 'failure' reinforces feelings of low self worth.

Yes therapy would be a great idea. Perhaps sorting out why you are seeking validation from a family that isn't willing or able to give it to you and seeking other forms of support and validation with people who can care for you.

This isn't something wrong with you. I know, been there too. You may be very surprised at how your depression suddenly lifts when you get out of this dynamic. Unfortunately some people don't have the loving, caring family they 'need' but it is possible to get what you need elsewhere and also to build your self esteem so that you don’t need to fight for it externally.

OP, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It is immensely painful to recognise that the people you love who should be the primary people in your life just don't care very much. Especially if they do seem to care and make an effort for other siblings. I think you are right to consider therapy. It might help you accept how things are, grieve for what you'll never have and work out how to meet your emotional needs in other ways.

I think your strongest option might be to actively choose to make other people the primary people in your life, starting with your wife. Cherish and nurture your marriage as that can be such a support instead of loving parents.

And gradually build a network of really good friends. Choose people who demonstrate the kind of affection and respect for you that you really want, and who respond with warmth and grace to your own shows of love for them.

I'd ease off the effort with other family members too.

I found it therapeutic and immensely empowering to explain in a calm, casual but very direct way, why our relationship had fallen apart. Try saying, without any self pity or rancour, 'Well I suppose we have drifted apart, because I started feeling so sad that you would happily drive 5 hours to visit DSis but haven't visited me in four years, so I realised that I wasn't a priority to you and that's fine now, but I no longer feel the urge to make you a priority tio me, so I suppose I've started to mirror your behaviour. and match your level of interest.'

They are a bit staggered when you say the absolute truth, especially if you genuinely say it with no bitterness or self pity but with full, in-control acceptance.

Honestly, my decades of depression vanished rapidly when I realised they'd never love me and I chose to accept it. It's the constantly thwarted hope that kills you. When you stop chasing love from unloving parents, you find you have buckets of it to give and receive elsewhere. i'm now a way better friend than I used to be, and DH and I have a very strong marriage.

And if your family start to make an effort, you can choose to accept it in a civil but detached way. Don't be reeled in for a second round of rejection. But if it suits you to maintain a level of contact, that's an option. I would have hated to cut my parents off. It turns you into the difficult one who is creating drama. Imo, it's far stronger to have low contact which is extremely civil so they can't fault you but you have full emotional control and step away when it suits you.

Op this sounds really hard. I guess you have two options.
1 continue as you are accepting the breadcrumbs of love and looking for validation from people who don’t sound capable of giving it.
2 begin accepting the obvious failings of your family. I would look into the grey rock method. This has helped me with difficult family members.

I think being one of 4/5 siblings is hard as practically your parents only have a certain amount of time and energy. I am one of 4 and I think about it like this. I only get (at best) 25% of my parents love attention time. This is obviously variable as some siblings may need more help etc.

Thinking of you