One for men....

[XBaconandpineappleX]

Just curious to how long it took you to get over an ex partner? How long were you together and how long did you take to really feel settled and over the relationship?

If you have stayed friends with your ex. Why?

My boyfriend has kept in touch with his ex. They split up 3 years ago. I think for the first 18 months in particular he struggled. I think he wanted her back for quite some time. When he eventually moved out he drank heavily and kept leaning on the ex for emotional support. They fell into a friendship. For the last 16 months he's been involved with me. We've born properly in relationship for 7 months. But he still has text conversations with his ex. No phone calls. He even spoke to her about his car being written off and she was putting it on twitter to try get the company to see. He never told me he had shown her the pictures or told her the situation.

I've noticed him being quite negative towards her. She started saying some stuff about me q few months back. At the time he insisted she just cared and they were just friends. Then he confessed to me this weekend she was giving off strong hints that she wanted him back. He said he told her he was with me and happy and she made snide comments.

Over the last 2 months if he ever mentions her it's bitter. But at some point he will either say she is a nice woman or we are just friends now. He says he wouldn't even wanna be in a room with her. He complains about her wanting attention and wanting to be popular all the time. He has loads of bad memories of her behaviour now. But he always blamed himself for their split as it was her that dumped him.

I would be interested in any male prospective on this. I have read men move on in different ways and struggle more with break ups. I obviously understand this various across people's personalities. But I'd still like some male views on this as I've only had females to chat to about it.

I think it will depend very much upon the person rather than whether man or woman. I have always been someone who lives in the present and doesn't let the past bother me - you can't change history...

I don't really have experience of breaking up as I married my first significant girlfriend and we were together for 27 years (married for 18) until she died last year. Although different (and perhaps the finality of death helps in that there is no prospect, no matter how slight, of things returning to how they were), I haven't found it hard to move on (not that I have looked for romance since, but not because I don't feel ready, just have been busy with life) - my late wife will always be part of who I am, as a previous partner would have been, but that is not something that stops me moving on in any way.

But others think differently - many people cling to the past, especially where they think (however deluded they may be) that there is some prospect of getting back with an old partner. My experience of male friends suggests that most men would probably say that women struggle more with moving on, so the differences may be more perception than anything else.

Not a man, but he sounds still hugely psychologically entangled with her in a deeply unattractive way. I’d throw this one back.

I was with my partner for 24 years, the last 10 years were just 2 adults living together in the same house raising our children. No closeness with little intimacy. It came to an end and I fell head over heels I'm love with first woman I met. It was a brief relationship that was over really before it started but it took me a good 5 years to get over her. Even dating other people and getting in to another relationship. I still thought about her, occasionally after a few months I'd get a random text off her which would put me back to square one.
You have to determined and committed to going no contact or you never quite get past it.
It took 5 years for me to arrive at a point where I no longer think about her but it sounds like your boyfriend is still hankering after her. He's still 'emotionally' connected to her and until he stops all contact your going to be in this triangular relationship.

I think they have made a mistake staying in touch. I think he desperately needed her support as he doesn't live near family and was very alone when they did split. But now it's a very weird situation that doesn't seem to have any genuine friendship involved. She doesn't like him having a relationship with another woman. She's questioned him on females liking his fb photos. She's not friends with him anymore and he says he blocked her 3 months ago when she was spying. But despite blocking her they talk on wattsapp occasionally. He doesn't tell me how often now as I reacted negatively last time as he had blocked her on one platform and she still didn't feel perhaps she needed to leave it and let him have his new life in private.

Anyway I'm confused. He's so bitter and talks about her really negatively. He has told me he was told who she mixes with now and they were people she didn't used to like. He's told me about a man she claimed she fluttered her eye lashes at to get him to do some repairs in her home for free. He's moaned about her taste and how she's done little things to undo the hard work he put into the house they shared. He says she's attention seeking all the time. Thinks she's popular. Thousands of friends on Facebook and thinks everyone loves her. Said she was wrapped up in social media. Never supported him emotionally. Said she went away 4 or 5 times a year with her mates. Said she was materialistic.

Yet despite all these comments he still wants this little bit of communication still. Although I think its usually her that sends a message first.

Why in God's name are you sitting around listening to him go on about his ex?? You don't need to know she didn't used to like her new friends or that she's been dropping hints or that she was wrapped up in social media. Ffs.

Doesn't matter that he talks about her negatively now. That is not a sign he's over her. That would be not talking about her at all!

Assert your boundaries at the very least and tell him you don't want to hear about her, good or bad. Personally I'd stop being rebound gf/therapy/support and dump him. He is NOT, in any way shape or form, over her and ready for a new relationship. Regardless of what he says and you are so desperate to believe.

I have been in exactly this situation. And when he eventually got over her, I was no longer needed as rebound gf/therapy/support and got dumped. Wish someone had warned me!

FFS, run for your life. You are massively wasting your time on this one. You're just a placeholder, I'm afraid.

Why does it matter to you what other men do, OP?

Are you looking for a way to excuse him for his poor behaviour within your relationship? Are you looking for 'Oh well, it doesn't feel very nice for me when he does this, but it's what men do, so I need to chill out and put up with it'?

The facts are that he's talking about his ex to you in great detail, you don't like it, and it confuses you. That's who he is right now.

And the question is, is this behaviour you are willing to put up with in a relationship?

Getting over my first wife - tricky as I left on an exit affair and my AP was hugely jealous of ExW and often told me "you want to go back to her" - which I didn't but it did mean I tried to push her from my mind. We had kids so a lot of 'compartmentalising' in my mind. AP (nowDW) wanted me to express hatred for her which was very hard as I didn't hate her - but I didn't love her either.

Beyond that I have no experience.

If someone in a relationship has powerful emotions about the ex I think it's a problem regardless of gender.

My childhood sweetheart - from 17 to 22, married at 21, left me and "suddenly fell in love" with one of my friends: It was a tricky first year for me and I had some depression but I didn't have any desire to go back. We stayed cordial and 20+ years later we exchange friendly messages every 18 months or so (mainly because something amusing from the past relevant to us has popped up.) I have no hard feelings and haven't for many, many years - we were young and rushed into something that wasn't right for either of us. Fair play to her for seeing this first before it used up more of our lives.

Second LTR - from 24 to 34: Fizzled out and no kids to convince us to struggle on. She grew from a position of recovering from deep, deep depression to a much stronger, independent person. I like to think I provided a safe and comfortable platform for her to grow. But that was the dynamic and we didn't have much left when it wasn't needed any more. She's an amazingly warm and compassionate person and I was almost as glad when she found another partner (who seems lovely) as I was when I did. Again - she was the one to end it. This time I was able to feel ok about it and see that it was best very quickly.

I wouldn't go back to either, I'm glad they're apparently happy, and I hope I made a positive impact on their lives.

It depends on various aspects but I would say if you have kids with the ex and they are still young the attachment is far more there than if there are no kids or grown up kids. From the point of view of moving on.

It's not necessarily wanting to be with the ex anymore (in my case she was bloody difficult) but more missing family and we separated 3 and a bit years ago.

Um, they parted ways three years ago and he is still going on about her. That’s weird, I broke up with my ex a few years ago, I could tell you not one thing about his life now, I have no clue about it. He is not over it, also he sounds bitter and boring, complaining about her going away with pals, her taste and her choice of new friends-so dull and would put me right off.
Also, he is lying to you that is her contacting him and slagging you off, it’s him, she has moved on and does not like it .

Run.

He is messing you around and still has feelings for his ex.