Thriving after leaving a narcissist

[Cluelessat32]

Just to clarify, he has never been formally diagnosed, however my sister, who works with victims of domestic abuse strongly believes he has the traits of a narcissist.

How to I thrive because he still feels like a millstone around my neck. We have a daughter together, which we share care for, and live in the same community. I thought I'd won the battle when I left him and set up my own home hearty 2 years ago, but honestly I now see that as the beginning.

Frankly it has been 2 years of hell. I've experienced threats, fully uncooperative behaviour around our daughter, love bombing, vile verbal abuse l, flying monkeys in the form of his family, periods of complete silence, even when concerning our daughter, awkwardness and disagreements for the very sake of them, on repeat. I'm exhausted and I'm so worried I'm going to be stuck with this for at least as long as my daughter is at home.

Currently he doesn't have another partner, but has in the past, and this makes his behaviour even worse.

I'm working so hard to rebuild my like, my self esteem, self worth, self confidence. But I jyst feel like I have this unpredictable monster in the background, who rears it's head when your least expecting it. Although to be honest I've learned to expect it whenever it comes. It makes my otherwise quiet and calm life unpredictable and stressful.

Not for one minute do I regret having my beautiful daughter, but am filled with sadness at the aspects of being a mum that I feel I have lost and have been tarnished because of this situation.

I have bee told to grey rock, but as we share care for our daughter, I feel this compromises her wellbeing and safety if we aren't at least communicating regarding her.

I left home because of the impact things were having on her, but I still feel his unpredictable behaviour has an impact on her. A couple of times in the last month or so she has sobbed after a call with him, saying it makes her sad when he is grumpy. I have no idea what happens when she is with him, but experience can give me an idea. Walking on eggshells was a common feeling.

How do I navigate this for the next however many years of my life. I fear for being able to have a functional relationship with anyone else, with this messiness in the background, I'm not sure it's a situation I'd willingly come in to.

How much contact does he have with your DD?

2-3 nights a week

I feel for you. When there are kids involved you can never be truly free.

My advice would be to get some sort of court order in place so that you no longer need to negotiate with him or even have contact at all. This may be tough as the court may allow more contact than you'd be happy with but ultimately it will remove the need for you to have to arrange anything with him. And if he breaches it then you have somewhere to go.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, it's horrendous when you have kids in the middle of it.

Your post could have been written by my cousin, he is going through a very similar situation with his ex too. He takes care of his kids full time and she goes round telling everyone that he stops her from having or seeing the kids when in fact she just can't be bothered or there is a drama so he needs to go and collect them. He just wishes he could be free from her.
I have no advice but I wish you all the best and am watching with interest to see how others deal with this.

I’ve been through this, kids are older now and both gradually experienced what I experienced and decided to cut off contact without any intervention from me.

It’s a long road. I always thought towards the future regarding my actions. There was a point where I stopped getting caught up in his web and became very business-like in my co-parenting operations. I acted like a professional parent. Texts were child-welfare related only. As few words as possible. Years of angrily typing long rants, taking a breath, deleting them and typing something neutral!

I always imagined at some point things would escalate and I wanted my communication to be squeaky clean if they were ever to be used as evidence.

I also wanted my DCs to look back and not resent anything on my part. I wanted them to be sure I was a decent person they could trust.

It’s been worth it. Really really worth it. I’m a much stronger woman for it, my kids have me as their rock and we’ve all learned how to spot a red flag a mile away 🚩

I'm in a similar situation and we are in the court process now so you may need to consider the same. He would not stick to a routine and his behaviour was getting increasingly erratic. I want to get it into a better pattern as he was refusing consistency for me and the kids as another form of control.

My communication is always v child focused too, I simply don't respond to his nasty messages and there have been plenty of them.

@FabriqueBelgique

I’ve been through this, kids are older now and both gradually experienced what I experienced and decided to cut off contact without any intervention from me.

It’s a long road. I always thought towards the future regarding my actions. There was a point where I stopped getting caught up in his web and became very business-like in my co-parenting operations. I acted like a professional parent. Texts were child-welfare related only. As few words as possible. Years of angrily typing long rants, taking a breath, deleting them and typing something neutral!

I always imagined at some point things would escalate and I wanted my communication to be squeaky clean if they were ever to be used as evidence.

I also wanted my DCs to look back and not resent anything on my part. I wanted them to be sure I was a decent person they could trust.

It’s been worth it. Really really worth it. I’m a much stronger woman for it, my kids have me as their rock and we’ve all learned how to spot a red flag a mile away 🚩

This is very similar to me. I left when my daughter was 7 and she’s now nearly 13. He has done everything possible to destroy me over the years, but in doing so has ruined his relationship with DD. She hasn’t stayed overnight with him for 4/5 years and now sees him for about 20 minutes a year. It makes me sad to think of what sort of Dad she could have had but it’s now her choice not to see him. Ever so often he threatens court or whatever, but never goes through with it. I wanted her to look back and know I didn’t force her to go but I also didn’t say anything bad about him and if she wants to see him, she can. My friend recommended an app you can communicate through which may help as you don’t have to feel sick when you see his name pop up. You can physically go in and check.

My advice would be to get some sort of court order in place so that you no longer need to negotiate with him or even have contact at all. This may be tough as the court may allow more contact than you'd be happy with but ultimately it will remove the need for you to have to arrange anything with him. And if he breaches it then you have somewhere to go

I'd second this from @jaspercabbage

That's the practical side. In terms of the way he is affecting you psychologically and emotionally, though... you are still giving him power over your wellbeing. Lots of people go on to have successful relationships with a difficult ex in the background. You're imposing a negative judgement on yourself because of how your ex behaves.

Working on your self esteem, self confidence, self worth, etc, isn't a long job, if you know what you're doing. It's a realisation. People spend years trying and trying and trying to think better of themselves, but it can happen in an instant. You can do it today. You can do it now.

You know that you're a good person. You know that you have a combination of wonderful traits that isn't the same as anybody else. You know that you're not stupid/nasty/mean/whatever else he plays on.

Hold onto these things. You know that he mistreats you. If you can over-ride the feelings he gives you with a thought process along the lines of 'I trust my feelings. Anybody who makes me feel bad can f* right off, they don't deserve an ounce of my thoughts/time/space', you will stop spending your time stressing and worrying about what he's doing to you and your future.

When he does something that upsets you now, if you can move your thoughts to 'Oh, f off, prat-face', rather than tying yourself in knots, you'll be able to a) concentrate on supporting your daughter, and demonstrating to her how to get to the 'Oh, f off, prat-face' mindset (which will stand her in good stead for her future relationships) and b) free yourself up to concentrate on your own life.

I could've written your post, but I'm coming up 7 years post separation and it's still a rocky road. There's months where everything is calm and then suddenly he's atrocious again. I agree that it's difficult to grey rock when there's children involved.

My exh is blocked on all channels apart from email now, any communication about anything other than DC I ignore, any conversations he starts at pick up/drop off that aren't about DC, I deflect and turn attention back to DC.

I 'ran after' him for a long time trying to get him to parent properly. As soon as I stopped yet another weight lifted from my shoulders. You can't make them be decent, you can only make your DC available, and be there to support them when/if things with their dad turn to crap.

Disengage is the best advice I can give. No conversation other than about DC, and even then keep it brief and to the point. Nothing worse than realising they've dragged you into a lengthy discussion that's veered off topic and you realise you've let your guard drop.

I'm so sorry you are still being affected by this man.
You know you aren't going to change his behavior so it's a case of finding ways to minimize his affect on you.
One suggestion thats often made here is moving to email only contact, that you only read at certain times.
Block any other forms of communication.
In case of a emergency, could he contact a third party?

It does get a little easier as children get older.

One thing I have learned to do is not engage in his nonsense, if he is not civil in response to any communication I block him straight away as he is usually fishing for a row.
He has realised he is wasting his time now.
I will return to the conversation the next day if need be.

If nothing else works it maybe a case of getting a court involved.

Good luck op

And please don't let him affect your future.

Don’t be quick to get a court involved. You lose your rights. My worst fear was having to force my DCs into contact when they didn’t want to go. I see a lot of mums end up between a rock and a hard place. After trying to do the right thing. Suddenly it’s illegal to protect your DC because of what the judge decided.

You’re much better off becoming an expert at co-parenting with this particular man. But that’s my strong opinion.

@FabriqueBelgique I feel strongly about keeping out of the courts and will try to do so, unless I absolutely have no other choice. I have no doubt I will loose in that situation.

When we first separated I went to a solicitor thinking we'd have mediation, she said it was completely lost on someone who refused to see reason and if there had been emotional/mental abuse - which there had - as they're notoriously good at twisting things and even those who are supposed to be impartial tend to get sucked in. I decided to leave it. He kept threatening to take me to court and I got to the point where I said fine, whatever, but it'll mean actually turning up on time on set days and if you don't I'll be straight back there stating you've broken the agreement. That soon stopped the threats as I knew (and he knew), that he really didn't want 'tying down' to set days as that would (in his word) 'encroach on his freedom..'

Email only, disengage and ignore anything that isn't about your DC.

It's hard because they've completely drawn you in, and you're enmeshed. But for your own sanity juts disengage as much as you can, don't let him guilt you, don't buy into in depth conversations. Straight the point, brief interactions, facts only (for example date/time of an appointment/school event or whatever), and keep him at arms length.

I was lucky in that my teenage son did not want to see him. It’s over a year but he still finds excuses to come to my house bringing letters etc which are usually just advertising crap but he opens them . He keeps texting DS completely disregarding the fact we finally left because he physically attacked DS. I just don’t engage at all except basic polite responses. I ignore texts and the crap he tells mutual acquaintances as I know gr is trying to get a reaction. It must be so hard when you share parenting but try to keep it business like .

There are pros and cons of going down the route of a court order.
But one thing is certain, he cannot dictate the terms as and when he chooses when there is an order in place.
If he is already having her 2-3 times a week then it is unlikely to change much with an order but what it would do is offer a set agenda and limit communications — if the order is set and times agreed, what is there to talk about?
Before it goes to court you have to go through mediation anyway, this could be enough to settle on something.
Whilst it’s true without an order you can control (to an extent) as and when your daughter goes to him, don’t forget that he is just as likely to seek a formal agreement too and he has a right to have access to his child at this time - so no you cannot withhold access without fear that it would be used against you (which it would if he went for formal access) - even if your daughter expresses that she doesn’t wish to go.

Court shouldn’t be the last possible resort - it should be the first, for this type of man.
There is no way on earth you can coparent with a toxic abusive man.
Informal agreements are for amicable, normal people who aren’t abusive. He is not this type of people.
Of course it’s only opinion either way.
But you’ve heard the saying “we don’t negotiate with terrorists” right? It’s the same thing.

Well it is small compensation but in these situations the chances are that you will be happy again one day. He, however, will never be happy. Because people like this aren't. Happy people don't feel the need to treat others this way to shore up a shifting-sand fantasy of How Things Should Be.

Meanwhile you've had some much more helpful practical advice here from PPs.

@Ohpulltheotherone we have a set time table around contact, se we all know what days etc, that's not really the issue. But when split parenting, there are in my opinion other things that may need to be communicated about, such as any Health issues that arise, and a course of action to be communicated and agreed on. He has never once been restricted on contact, despite him and his Mum accusing me of this on occasion.

[quote Cluelessat32]@Ohpulltheotherone we have a set time table around contact, se we all know what days etc, that's not really the issue. But when split parenting, there are in my opinion other things that may need to be communicated about, such as any Health issues that arise, and a course of action to be communicated and agreed on. He has never once been restricted on contact, despite him and his Mum accusing me of this on occasion.[/quote]
It's fine to discuss little health issues, but keep it brief and to the point. No need to write reams and reams if it concerns a doctors appointment then say when it is and what it's for. Then update briefly on what the doctor said and what was prescribed/course of action. You don't have to get him to sign off on every little decision.

You may have realised this yourself already, but only deal with facts.

He will be trying to get an emotional reaction by dicking you about.

Pull the facts out of his communication and address that only.

Have you set up an email exclusively for this? So you have a trail.

Think about getting a phone just for communication with him.

Think of his words as noise.
Don't think about them or consider them, scan for facts and disregard the rest. He is insincere, do not deal with him sincerely.

As others have said, business like.

You said this has caused you to feel your relationship with DD has been tarnished or similar.
Do not allow him the power to continue putting shade on you when he is not there.
Only you can do this.
When he is not there the only power he has is what you have permitted.