In need of a second opinion

[Greenman21]

Members
2 posts
Posted 24 minutes ago
Last summer my wife of 11 years left her phone at home whilst she was out and I checked her messages for some reason (I had never done this in the whole time we were together. I found some messages to an old male friend (who I never knew) that were slightly inappropriate but not too bad like him saying how beautiful she was and her wishing him a Happy Valentines day etc. I confronted her and she said there was nothing in it. A couple of months later I checked her phone and she had been messaging an old boyfriend (her first love) and she wad trying to meet up with him and saying she treated him really badly and that she saw herself with him not now but maybe in the future. To his credit he did not reciprocate these as he is in a relationship with kids. I was angry and confronted her and she said there was nothing it it-it happened one night when she was drunk and she loves me etc etc. A few months ago I checked again (I know I shouldn't have but I want to know what's going on with my wife and marriage) There was some fairly innocuous messages from a father of my youngest child who she had met at football or the school yard. There was nothing to suggest that this is anything but innocent but it annoyed me after everything that happened in the summer. He would also be tagging her in things on Facebook. My wife was deleting messages from him and has now changed the password on her phone so I can't see what is going on which is driving me nuts. I have never, ever been like this in a relationship and am not a jealous person but I am imagining all sorts of scenarios in my head. I have half a mind to walk out of my marriage over this but my wife assures me that it is all above board and I shouldn't prevent her from having friends. Also these messages come both late at night and early in the morning. Like 11.30 on a Saturday night. I have a couple of female friends but never text them multiple times in the same night and have known them long before I got together with my wife. Any advice would be appreciated as I don't want to come over as controlling but want to know what's going on. If my wife wants out fine but just don't keep me in suspense like this.

Just don’t need proof. Your wife is showing you her true colours. I’d walk away as this isn’t going to get any better. It will only drag on and drag you down

You clearly want out - just go.

Why give her the power to decide if/when she calls time on your marriage?
She's obviously untrustworthy and sees you as a doormat.
Gather your self esteem and tell her to go and stay with one of her 'friends' (and don't accept her back when these 'friends' inevitably tell her to bog off. Suggest the football Dad. Sure he'll be delighted to have your wife turn up on his doorstep).

You can't trust her. She texts exes saying she wants to be with them. You're wasting your time.

Walk away if you want to. But at this point you are veering on controlling and irrationality jealous.
She barely did anything back when you saw the messages to old bf. But your reaction now os an overreaction. You don’t get to decide what time a day she can or can’t text friends. And her not wanting you to have access to her phone is normal. Especially when you seem to be hyper vigilant and scrutinising her every move.

But - obviously, if you are in a downward spiral and can’t trust her - go. As it’s not going to get better. You will convince yourself of her worse and worse offences and this will end up destroying your relationship anyway.

@MMmomDD

What?! The wife messaged her ex that she could see herself in a relationship with him in the future. How is that ok?!

You can't trust her, and she's up to no good. Haven't you been gaslit enough?

Well I wouldn't stay in a relationship if I saw my partner texting an ex that he could see himself with her in the future. Wtf??

You know what’s going on. Your wife is fishing to have an affair.

@Giraffesandbottoms

Yes - with the ‘I’ve hurt you so much…. Not want to be with you now…’ - which does sound like possible drunk reminiscing. Possibly mixed with hormones fluctuation.

And this seems her one and only transgression. Not great behaviour, obv. But not marriage ending either IF her behaviour is otherwise loving, etc.

Relationship with no trust cant survive though. So if the only way for the H to feel better is to keep checking her phone and ‘know what is going on’ - they should really not bother staying together.

I couldn't and wouldn't trust her anymore. If I was in your position I would have to end the marriage. Trust is more important than anything in my opinion. Am sorry you're in this situation OP.

I have never, ever been like this in a relationship and am not a jealous person but I am imagining all sorts of scenarios in my head

The relationship is over if you're feeling like this and you can't believe her reassurance when you tell her how you feel. The relationship is turning you into someone you don't like, and don't want to be. Get out. Find your freedom to be who you really are. It's your first responsibility in life, as an adult: to look after yourself.

Wow. Compare the responses on this thread to the ones on the ‘dog walker’ one, where the person unhappy about messages and actually tracking a phone is female- there’s lots of encouragement for her, saying that nobody should be texting a married person of the opposite sex at night etc, but here where the op is male, he’s criticised. MN at its most hypocritical.

Those messages sound dodgy as fuck op. I mean she literally told another man she wanted to be with him in future. Its relationship over really isn't it? No way would I stay with a partner sending exs that shit. And you are right, texting men at all hours of the night is innapropriate. Especially considering those prior texts.

Don't be gaslighted anymore op. You don't need to be controlling, just tell her you aren't happy and it isn't OK with you, so you're done. Dont try and change her or see her phone or whatever, just call it a day. It's clear that you dont make one another happy, and life is too short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.