Need a second opinion

[Greenman13]

Last summer my wife of 11 years left her phone at home whilst she was out and I checked her messages for some reason (I had never done this in the whole time we were together. I found some messages to an old male friend (who I never knew) that were slightly inappropriate but not too bad like him saying how beautiful she was and her wishing him a Happy Valentines day etc. I confronted her and she said there was nothing in it. A couple of months later I checked her phone and she had been messaging an old boyfriend (her first love) and she wad trying to meet up with him and saying she treated him really badly and that she saw herself with him not now but maybe in the future. To his credit he did not reciprocate these as he is in a relationship with kids. I was angry and confronted her and she said there was nothing it it-it happened one night when she was drunk and she loves me etc etc. A few months ago I checked again (I know I shouldn't have but I want to know what's going on with my wife and marriage) There was some fairly innocuous messages from a father of my youngest child who she had met at football or the school yard. There was nothing to suggest that this is anything but innocent but it annoyed me after everything that happened in the summer. He would also be tagging her in things on Facebook. My wife was deleting messages from him and has now changed the password on her phone so I can't see what is going on which is driving me nuts. I have never, ever been like this in a relationship and am not a jealous person but I am imagining all sorts of scenarios in my head. I have half a mind to walk out of my marriage over this but my wife assures me that it is all above board and I shouldn't prevent her from having friends. Also these messages come both late at night and early in the morning. Like 11.30 on a Saturday night. I have a couple of female friends but never text them multiple times in the same night and have known them long before I got together with my wife. Any advice would be appreciated as I don't want to come over as controlling but want to know what's going on. If my wife wants out fine but just don't keep me in suspense like this.

What is the rest of your relationship like OP? I’m just wondering what impelled you to check her messages the first time.

Well there are three separate incidents here. She’s definitely gaslighting you about 1 and 2. Obviously they’re something and nothing. No.3 could be innocent but I can see how you’re suspicious now. She isn’t acting like she’s happy - is there another reason that you think she might be staying? Kids? Finances?

If your partner loves and cares for you then they will go out of their way to make things right. My phone is always unlocked and I don't mind my partner using it.

The fact she's changed her password suggests she is trying to hide something. It's particularly odd she's reach out to ex's. No one does that and the fact she didn't ask you about it first shows she was not thinking of your best interests.

Do you feel the same love you have over the last few years or does it seem to have changed? There are usually tell tale signs that things are going to the wrong way.

As they say fool me once shame on me. Shame me twice shame on you I think the saying goes.

She should be able to have friends bit have you noticed everyone of these new "friends" are males she's attracted to.

Shady and thirsty AF.

She's up to no good op, she won't admit she's in the wrong but as you've seen for yourself, she's the one chasing these men for attention, not a good sign she was trying to meet up with the ex, now she's still trying it on with a dad from the school.
Unfortunately it's not a one off and how much do you need to put up with before deciding it's not ok.

This is not ok, she’s chasing attention from other men.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I’m sorry I don’t buy her stories at all.

No, you shouldn't stop her from having friends. But that's not what you're doing. You're objecting to inappropriate contact she is initiating with men she used to have has feelings for.

She told an ex she’s sees them being together in the future?

Which means she doesn’t see a future with you…

Sorry OP but I think she wants out. She might just be waiting until she has someone else lined up which is very selfish of her