How to forget him?

[Exofanaddict]

My ex was an addict and put me through years of hell but I loved him. It’s been a year and a half and I still feel broken. Like I cannot imagine another relationship and finding happiness. Yet he’s now clean and seeing someone.. how is that fair?
I don’t want him back. I had that choice but I’m still so hurt that he’s finding it so easy.

Honestly sitting here in tears after doing so well for so long. Don’t know if I’ll ever get past this and all I wanted was a family. And I’ve wasted so many years.

Im assuming you've only just found out he's seeing someone and that's triggered a setback? That woman is now seeing a recovering addict. Do you know how likely it is he will remain off drugs? Change is hard. Recovery is hard.

Find your anger and cynicism. He put you through hell and you wasted years. Imagine he'd done this to a dear friend of yours. How would you feel? You'd be bloody furious.

See I know that’s what this is. And there were also some possible revelations about how long his drug use went on while we were together.
Deep down I know I’m better off I just can’t understand how he can move on and I can’t even consider it cause things were that bad!

I always give myself 3 years to properly get over someone. This is the time it takes to have no feelings for them.

Be kind to yourself, it's not unusual to be upset, and sometimes floored by this type of news. Give yourself time to be upset.

You only see the exterior of their relationship, what they want people to see. What you don't see is what's actually going on. You presume it's all rosy and think 'why not me' 'she's getting all the good bits of him' when in reality that won't be the case.

@Exofanaddict

My ex was an addict and put me through years of hell but I loved him. It’s been a year and a half and I still feel broken. Like I cannot imagine another relationship and finding happiness. Yet he’s now clean and seeing someone.. how is that fair? I don’t want him back. I had that choice but I’m still so hurt that he’s finding it so easy.

Not being with him means you'll never worry he'll slip back into his old ways.Count it as a blessing.

His new girlfriend will never have her memories of their time together clouded by times he struggling with his addiction.It's a shiny clean slate for him.

One day you'll look back at this thread and realise you don't actually need this man in your life.

There's someone out there waiting for you to come into their lives;you just need to meet them.

I just wonder if by three years it’ll be too late. I’m so annoyed as I’ve been absolutely fine for months now. And I know you’re saying she won’t be getting just the good bits but he’s that far into recovery now it’s probably true. The bad bits definitely came with the addiction.

Hmm. The problem is, and I'm speaking as an ex addict, is that no matter how "far" he is into recovery, that personality trait that got him addicted in the first place will always be there. True, some people really can nail their demons permanently but usually, its just a case of conscious repression. You have to try, every day. It's so hard. A relapse is usually triggered by something going wrong. At the moment, it's all shiny and new for him, happy days and easy to behave himself. It's when times get tough... is he strong enough?

If no, then you have your answer. Youd always worry, in the back of your mind, even when things were good. His new woman will sadly see the real persona eventually, the mask will slip, it always does.

@thenewduchessoflapland you’re right that’s the reason I could never have went back I’d have always been on edge no matter how long he behaved for. I used to have a fear of Fridays cause he would drop a bomb about how much money he owed.

@Sonaftersonafterson it sounds bad because today I’m feeling bitter but I hope it’s hard for him. And sometimes I hope someone puts him through what he did to me. But that’s a bit mean and against my personality so I struggle with that too! What a mess he’s left me to be!

When you were together, did you put your feelings aside for the sake of his feelings? For example, did you put up with his poor behaviour, with the mindset that 'He's an addict, I can't punish him by expressing to him how pissed off I am'?

@TheFoundation that was part of my hate for Fridays. Not only were they bombshells we also had his child all weekend every weekend. When I finished work on Fridays I had to be happy for them. No room for being pissed off!

OK, well, you're still exhibiting that same unhealthy pattern now: what's happening for him is dictating how you feel.

This issue of tearfulness and upheaval right now isn't the problem, it's a symptom of the problem. Does that make sense? There's something in you that allows other people's situations dictate your feelings.

Did something like this happen when you were a kid? Dad unpleasant to mum, and mum having to shut up about it? You feeling upset and being told often to 'be quiet'? Upheaval in the family home that upset you, but the upheaval was more important than your feelings? I'm just guessing, but I'm trying to think of why 'no room for being pissed off' would be something you'd put up with for anything longer than a short, abberant period.

@TheFoundation I guess. I just put my feelings away to make sure the child didn’t have to experience it. That was very manipulated because I’d get a text confession while at work and then he’d have the child by the time I was home.

I do have an alcoholic parent who has now recovered but things are much better in that front but I may have learned behaviours from there which were easily replicated.

I’m trying to just remember that really I am happier alone than with him I just hate the missing of what I could have had. And the wasted years.

I think that being raised in a household with a parent who had an addiction is crucial, here. It's not unusual to follow that with adult relationships with addicts: we're used to it, it's familiar, the substance is always the priority, and we understand that pattern of our feelings not being a priority.

Your feelings are a priority. This is the switch you need to make. If you can do that, and recognise that you need to put your own feelings first, you'll transfer from 'He's happy/sad/on the moon/whatever, and it makes me feel really shitty, why does he get to be happy and not me, why does he get to have a good relationship and I don't, etc' (which is his life dictating your emotional state) to 'I don't feel good at all. What can I do to make myself feel better? What things make me feel good/better? How can I plan them into my days/weeks ahead, so that I feel better more of the time? What do I need in my life that I don't have now, and what steps can I take to resolve that?'

Do you see the difference? The first is about him, the second is about you. Your childhood taught you the pattern that it isn't about you, but it is. You have to look after yourself like you'd look after a child. What do your emotions tell you? 'I'm miserable, sitting here in this chair, crying about my ex', so, what would you do with a child who said similar? (crying about their lost teddy, for example) You'd encourage them to come out to the park with you, right? Or give them a hot chocolate? Or get out their colouring books? You'd distract them from the shittiness by offering something nice for them instead.

The child inside you didn't get heard, and she's the one who's crying. She's crying because your parent drank, and she's still not being heard, for the same reasons. When you start to respond to her, by putting her first, she will mature. She's the one who's referred to as your 'gut instinct'. She's very very wise, but like everyone who isn't listened to, she's very very upset.

What does she want? What would make her feel better? Is she just upset or is she angry too? Or tired? Or all of those things?

Once you hear her and respond to her, she will be your self respect.

@TheFoundation
Top post.
Wise words indeed.

@TheFoundation to be fair the alcoholism was a thing as a teenager not a child but same principles. And a mother who doesn’t believe in crying over boys so I’ve very much been brought up not to.

But up until this week I’ve been doing very well. I exercise, see my friends, I read and I do what suits me. This has just really knocked me for six. Just another reminder that time is going fast but I still don’t think I’m ready for anything else.

Thank you btw @TheFoundation

You're welcome, OP.

You cry when you want to, not when your mother thinks it's acceptable.

And until a person is able to parent themselves (ie, be an adult, because that's all being an adult is: being a good parent to your emotions, including their tantrums and childish sulking etc!) they are easily influenced by the behaviour of their parents. So whether you were 17 or 7, if you were not yet old enough to be fully responsible for yourself, it will have affected you.

I found this aspect hugely reassuring, as it explained why I'd had such trouble in relationships, but it meant that it wasn't my fault. It allowed me to distinguish fault from responsibility, which is huge. I had put up with shit, and was blaming myself, but really, what I needed to do was to look forward, and take responsibility for myself; for looking after 'me'. That's what you need to do now. Look after you. If you feel 'knocked for six', take extra special care of yourself. Whatever your equivalent of 'getting out your colouring books' is, treat yourself to a lot of that

I do have multiple colouring books but I don’t think I’ve done any of it since we split up maybe you have a point.

For now I’ll try keeping my head up, doing my exercise, reading my books and seeing my friends!

Whatever floats your boat, OP, just be sure to keep it merrily floating :)

Interesting, isn't it, when you spot how your behaviours have changed, and sometimes in ways you haven't realised.

I know this thread may not seem like it. But most of the time I have been doing really well. When we eventually split up it was a relief. I didn’t have to worry about even if he did stay clean when would be slip, how did I explain things to other people etc? It’s a relief.

I just need to focus on that. No one needs that stress.

And here we are again. Anxious as hell as soon as it’s nighttime. Which probably means my morning will be much the same. I absolutely hate this.

It's the little kid inside you that's anxious. The bit of you that understands that you want to get control over this is the adult you. Can you see the 2 people there? One 'you' has to nurture the other 'you'.

Sometimes it's not a case of making the crap go away, it's your own reassurance to yourself that this isn't forever, it's just a blip, this isn't going to be your normality forever. It's you focussing on you, and that is forever; you'll always have your own back.

Are there people in your life who love you and are grateful that you've got their back?

I have plenty of people around me. Im actually very lucky. The anxiety is coming from the unanswered question I have that he seems to not be answering so really I have to just accept that I’m not getting an answer and even if I did it doesn’t stop things from being as bad as they were it could only make it seem worse.

But this morning is not as bad as yesterday morning and for that I’m grateful.

You're still let him dictate your happiness when your happiness comes from within you.
@TheFoundation is spot on the money.
Go back a reread all their posts.
Keep parenting / telling yourself
' you got this @Exofanaddict '
'You been doing so well , this is just a blip'
'Time to pause and reflect '
'Let's go do x,y z'

I’m doing better today thanks

Took myself out shopping, bought some new clothes and remembered that I don’t want that! And that tomorrow would normally have been another dreaded Friday but I don’t worry anymore. Can enjoy Fridays like a normal person again!