I think I’ve really messed up

[Greentrees2022]

Hi everyone.

I’ll keep this short and sweet as I’m a bit perplexed.

I split with my ex over a year ago and we’ve flip flopped a little bit and remained in contact. Lots of unconnected factors made us split but time has made me think differently.

He’s a lovely guy and deep down I love him to bits but at the turn of new year he told me that he didn’t love me in the same way and doesn’t see a future for us anymore. This hit me so hard and instantly made me realise that I’d made probably the biggest mistake of my life.

We want the same things, we’re great soulmates and never argued. We were just on different timelines.

I know I love him but what can I do? How can I prove to home how much he means to me and that I want him forever?

You have to stop thinking he’s the ‘one’ soulmates etc. He isn’t. Things would be different if he was.
Delete, block and don’t look back.
It’ll be hard for a while but you will move on and you will be happy again, but not with him as he doesn’t want you. Find someone who does want you m. Be happy

at the turn of new year he told me that he didn’t love me in the same way and doesn’t see a future for us anymore

I think you just have to listen to what he has said to you.

You can tell him how much he means to you until you are blue in the face. That isn't going to change how he feels about you.

I know it's hard but you need to stop all contact and keep yourself busy and move on.

We’ve just had a long chat on the phone. He’s scared of getting hurt but wants it to work.

We’re going to meet up at the weekend.

Very likely to end in tears. Your tears.

If he was the "one" it would not be so bloody difficult!!

You've possibly worn him down, despite him saying clearly he doesnt want this.

Meet him if you must but dont beg, plead, try to convince him. You'll regret it xxx

If he was the "one" it would not be so bloody difficult

Well said, @Sonaftersonafterson

The crux of this problem is your belief that he is 'the one'. There's loads of people out there you'd be compatible with, OP. Compatible means that you can have a relationship that sets you at your ease.

If you're going to call somebody 'the one', at least let it be somebody who meets that baseline need for you.

'The one' won't say he's scared it won't work. Part of being 'the one' is that fears and insecurities seem to take a much tinier place in the relationship's psychology. If you were his 'one', he wouldn't be scared.

It's written all over this situation OP, that if you get back together, it's likely to provide you with a honeymoon period of bliss, followed by an even more heartbreaking heartbreak than the one you're feeling now.

Do you not want to be with someone who loves you consistently, rather than this man who has recently told you that he doesn't love you in the same way and doesn't see a future for you? Surely that in itself will induce insecurity in you? A man whose love can change between wanting a relationship with you/loving you 'in that way' and then not, and then switching it on again?

I would cancel this meeting because the tears that will follow post the honeymoon period of a couple of weeks will be yours rather than his.

Do not be someone's option here, be a priority. You're just an option to this man and indeed if you were the one, it would not be so difficult. Relationships are not supposed to be hard work.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who taught you all this crap about "the one", "soulmates" etc?.

It sounds messy. If you want this to have a chance I think you both need to really think about what you want and really work on your communication.

I agree with everyone else, and just want to add that never arguing isn't a good thing. Conflict is an inevitability in even the strongest of relationships, and in such relationships is dealt with in a healthy manner. Never arguing implies avoidance of issues, which isn't a positive thing.

I've learnt in my life that if things don't work out the first time, there's a reason for it, and that reason doesn't just go away.

Op he has told you that he doesn't love you in the same way that you love him.

Let him go. Don't waste your time trying to fix things that you can't.

When someone is right for you, it is easy. Not in that you never argue or align perfectly in all your beliefs and wants and preferences. But in that you feel safe in the knowledge they care about you just as much. There is no sense of imbalance or uncertainty around your feelings and commitment, you don't feel like the less invested one.

What you are doing is prolonging the inevitable and sacrificing your dignity in the process. I would reconsider.

How much he means to you is immaterial unless you mean the same to him. He has told you that isn't the case. I'm sorry, I don't know why he is now saying "he wants it to work" but there is no chance of that in these circumstances.

As a PP said, you can't fix this.

Op no one on here knows you. No one on here knows him. Non on here knows the future. I'm pretty sure there's not that many on here that are trained psychologists.

Do what's feels right for you. What will you regret more, trying and failing, or not trying and protecting yourself. If you do try, do it with your eyes open.