Ending relationship because he’s useless?

[HitBreakingPoint]

I’m considering ending my long term relationship because my partner is fucking useless (and lazy). We have young children, one of whom is only a baby.
An example of his uselessness is he works early some days so home before school/nursery pick up. Kids will come home from school and he’ll get them changed out of uniforms but doesn’t put a single thing away properly, so the next morning is an absolute frantic (resulting in being late) search for someone’s shoes etc. I could think of a million examples but they’re all along the same kind of lines. The long and short of it is day to day life would be so much easier if he wasn’t here!
The relationship is good otherwise, am I overreacting or is this a valid reason to end a long term relationship with kids involved?

I don’t agree with you @dopple but I can see you have a point. No matte how much a woman works she is still expected to carry most of the mental load to keep family life tickling.

It shouldn’t be like that but I cannot see how this is going to change when children continue to grow up seeing mum doing all the work and work while dad only “works”.

@theremustonlybeone I expect you've never raised children on your own, if you did you'd wonder why anyone would be moaning about it.

When it's just left up to you and you are a single mum... there's no resentment as it's just you. Everything gets put away, time to yourself, no arguments etc

I hear you I had a lazy cf and now he has to do all weekends alone with the kids, weirdly he respects me more now 😀

The relationship is good otherwise, am I overreacting or is this a valid reason to end a long term relationship with kids involved?

The answer is all in the nuance of the situation. If you are both contributing fairly equally to the household but his contributions are done in a half-arsed way that regularly cause unnecessary stress or result in you having to do extra running around, then no, you're not unreasonable to think he needs to improve.

The big question though is whether separating genuinely would result in an overall easier life for you. Maybe there would be less stress in terms of having to clean up after him, but if separation also would mean you have to work a lot more to cover the bills, then it's not a simple equation. Maybe the answer is that it's easier for you to do the school runs if this is a particular sore point, and he can take over more of a job that he is competent at doing. If he's genuinely incompetent at most things then yes, maybe it's easier for you to separate, work more and have a couple of days completely free for yourself when he has the kids.

You just have to be really honest with yourself about whether you're exaggerating his overall failures and your overall contributions or not.

I think you're over reacting from what I've read if your relationship is good otherwise, no ones perfectly organised all the time, losing shoes in the morning happens, I can't remember how many times this has happened to me.

But this is also a matter of nuance. There's a big difference between 'not being perfectly organised all the time' and having to hunt for shoes once a month or so, and being so disorganised that getting through everyday tasks/routines are more often interrupted and chaotic than not.

[quote HitBreakingPoint]@TheFoundation
That’s what sent me to breaking point, I have spoke to him about it so many times. Full of promises then nothing changes[/quote]
You're not over reacting to leave a relationship over this, then, no, in answer to your first question. Nobody is obliged to stay in any relationship, and if he's flannelling you with empty promises, that's a whole other level. Not only is he not pulling his weight, he's lying to you to manipulate you, essentially, to shut up and stop bothering him. There's no other reason he'd make promises to change.

I can be a bit like your dh op and I have adhd? Is it possible he has something like this or is he just figuring you'll do it. I guess you need to work out if he's doing it on purpose / weaponises incompetence or he is actually struggling?

From the outside it may look like I'm lazy but it's not that I'm not trying it's just I forget things halfway through / everything feels absolutely exhausting. Then trying to remember it all and worrying about if other people are happy adds to it?

@dopple

Vast majority of dads are at work all day and childcare left to the mother, what would happen if she was a single mum, even more so on her own. I think she should be great full

She said what would happen if she was a school mum @dopple:

The long and short of it is day to day life would be so much easier if he wasn’t here!

What exactly are you saying OP should be grateful for?
Having a man in her life?
One that causes her more bother than if she were single?

Not sure what you can do with him, but start by teaching your children to put their own clothes and shoes away. Parents aren't servants.

dopple i was a single mother for 4 yrs before meeting my now DH so yes i do know what its like and i also worked full time following maternity leave

She said what would happen if she was a school mum

I meant single mum, obvs. Sorry.

*What exactly are you saying OP should be grateful for?
*Having a man in her life?
One that causes her more bother than if she were single?

I guess that's something she'll find out for herself.

Nothing wrong in appreciating your partner even if you find them annoying sometimes.

Be honest this is way bigger than not putting the kids clothes away isn't it.

Have you just fallen out of love with him? Don't want to be around him anymore?

Then end the relationship. You sound like you actively dislike the man now.

@Bananalanacake

Well he works, which is better than some of the really useless and lazy DPs I've read about on here.

So’s that’s enough for a man be working? They don’t need to do anything else at all in the house.

Wow. You have a different standard than me.
Because this man is either lazy or strategically incompetent (or completely incompetent which isn’t much better tbh)

But how can anyone feel attracted to someone who acts like another child and has no respect for you?

It's hard to tell from just one example, as annoying as it is. My DH often puts the clean washing away in the wrong drawers for example, but I let it go because he's trying to help and is otherwise a good partner.

you sound like you actively dislike the man now
As a boyfriend he was great, and still would be if that’s all he was. But as a partner/father he hasn’t stepped up. I love him and I like him as a person but as someone to run a home and raise a family with he makes it so incredibly difficult.

A few people have mention finances etc, and that’s exactly the dilemma. Day to day life would be so much easier but the bigger picture (bills, houses etc) would be a lot more difficult if we split.

Tricky but OP think about what you will be like in 10 years... Resentment is really hard to let go.

@HitBreakingPoint

you sound like you actively dislike the man now As a boyfriend he was great, and still would be if that’s all he was. But as a partner/father he hasn’t stepped up. I love him and I like him as a person but as someone to run a home and raise a family with he makes it so incredibly difficult.

A few people have mention finances etc, and that’s exactly the dilemma. Day to day life would be so much easier but the bigger picture (bills, houses etc) would be a lot more difficult if we split.

I really wasn't trying to be mean with that comment - but you don't speak about him kindly at all.

My DH does annoying things but there's always a positive to balance it. Eg terrible for leaving household jobs halfway through but then will cook for us all and be kind and caring.

Just going from what you have said so far I am not seeing those positives for your DP.

I think, as DC are involved, I would sit down and actually write a list of reasons why you love him and reasons why you don't want to continue with the relationship.

Then, if you still love him, have a conversation with him, tell him the things that are driving you mad and see if things start to improve. If not then I think you already know what to do.

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

It's hard to tell from just one example, as annoying as it is. My DH often puts the clean washing away in the wrong drawers for example, but I let it go because he's trying to help and is otherwise a good partner.

You see I expect more from a partner than someone who ‘helps’. I’m expecting someone who take ownership and responsibility.

And yes that will be even more visible and needed now that there are some children involved.

I think it’s ok for someone to say that this is what you expect in a relationship (and ok if you don’t expect that and are happy with some who tries to help).

Also it doesn’t seem that the issue is that yu dint love him but that he hasn’t grown into a father and taken on the responsibilities of a father.

That makes me wonder. Has he ever been in his own with the dcs? Has he even been responsible for dcs AND cleaning the house AND going to work? For any length of time?
I’m wondering if leaving him with them would be the wake up call he needs?

There isnt an easy answer OP but if you've already thought about finances and splitting then it sounds like you're some way down this line of thought and I think often when that happens there is not really any going back.

I personally think your partner should make your life better. Whether that's practically, emotionally, financially etc, overall they should add to your life. I feel weird when my husband travels for work, lonely and my workload increases because he does his share of everything. Not saying that to make you feel bad, more just i think that's normal, and to me, if your husband announced he was away for two weeks with work and your immediate feeling was relief because your life is going to be better in those two weeks without him, then I think there is something more fundamentally wrong than missing shoes.

You dont need to make any big decisions quickly but I'd look at long term plans to get your finances sorted then you can leave if you want to.

I think you can:
Carry on as you are and try and find some way of letting go of the resentment
Give him some specific tasks that he can complete from start to finish eg pick kids up from school. Get them changed. Give snack. Tidy away snack. Tidy away school uniform. Put any dirty washing in the wash. Prepare bags and packed lunches for next day. Check for homework etc etc and keep on top of him. Which might practically make your life easier but will make you feel like his mother and ultimately kill the relationship
Leave before things get so bad that you hate him
Try marriage counselling

I am missing my husband he's away at work, it is a lot harder without him and he is not perfect by any means !!

It sounds like you have realised that he is not a good partner to you, there are a few options maybe counselling or just sitting down and giving an ultimatum but ultimately the only one that will make a difference would be splitting up.

You can find an equal partner, you don't have to be with someone who doesn't respect yoj

You !!

It gets you down op. My kids father is and always has been a useless bugger too. Doesn't take any responsibility. Leaves clothes laying around, never used a washing machine, time keeping atrocious. Basically he's like an extra child