Dating Dilemma

[Janeabc1234]

Hi all,

So I've been dating Mr. Man for 3 months and it's going very well in terms of what i want in a partner; good personality, good looking, kind, affectionate, active, no red flags at all which is rare. It's been slow and steady as oppose to honeymoon phase passion as neither of us are getting too carried away.

However I'm starting to feel more and more anxious if he is right for me and can't figure myself out. I'm battling in my mind to explain my lack of enthusiasm; am i being stupid to expect butterflies (some say love is not like this) or should you feel that uncontrollable passion for your other half?

I appreciate anyone's advice and comments from your experience!

What have your previous relationships been like?

If you're used to love bombing, it can feel strange and even disconcerting to have that missing from a new relationship, but it's a good thing Mr Man's not love bombing you.

3 months is still very early days, I'd suggest continuing to take it slow and steady, and don't overthink your feelings or the absence of that uncontrollable passion (which I certainly don't think is necessary for a healthy, long term relationship).

There's no 'shoulds' about feelings. Some people would leave, in this position, some would stay. There's no right or wrong thing to do.

So, it's not that you 'should feel uncontrollable passion'; it's more that your relationship should meet your requirements. If you want passion, then it isn't. If you want slow and steady, then it is.

Follow your feelings. You don't need to 'think' anything at all; if he's not right for you, your feelings will change from unenthusiastic to 'I don't feel like I can be bothered to go out and meet him.' or 'Urgh' when he goes to kiss you. If he is right for you, your feelings will change from unenthusiastic to comfortable, content, secure etc.

If it stays the same, then he's not for you, because nobody wants to feel 'meh' about their partner. In your shoes I'd wait for a clearer sign from my feelings, to direct me, or for it to stay the same until I started feeling fed up.

Love isn't 'like' something; it's not a case of looking out for it like a scout, and spotting it via its characteristics. It's somebody you want to stay with, somebody you wouldn't consider leaving because they add to your life in a positive way, and you do the same for them. For some people, that'll be constant butterflies, for some it'll be relishing having a partner who they don't think of at all all day because they're engrossed in their own hobbies, and the partner is happy with that.

It sounds good to me. I’m 52 and into an almost year long relationship after splitting with exH of 20 years. I adore my new bf. I don’t know about butterflies, really. I don’t think I’ve ever really had the butterflies thing about anyone. The one thing about my new bf is the compatibility I have with him. We’re very compatible, I’m happy, I know I’m happy and I’m calm so for me, this is bliss.

One thing that did feel a little strange to me was the getting to know you, dating stage (which went on for a few months with us as he lives a few hours away from me). I didn’t feel that we were really a couple for quite a few months. I think it just felt a bit odd after being in a marriage for so long. But I’m glad that we took things slowly and have got to know one another slowly and we will continue to go slowly.

If you’re happy then just keep going with it. Don’t overthink it. Just enjoy it.

Do you fancy him? Does he turn you on? Do you look at him and want to have sex with him?

You don’t need “uncontrollable passion”, which isn’t sustainable, but three months in (well, any length of time in!) there does need to be sexual attraction and chemistry. “Good personality, good looking, kind, affectionate, active, no red flags” is great - but it’s also how I’d describe my brother; and I’d be hurt and disappointed if those were the only descriptive terms a new boyfriend could find for me.

Don’t settle for a nice, kind man just because he’s a breath of fresh air after a history of poor relationships and bad dates and you don’t believe that you’ll find anyone as nice as he is who you also desperately fancy and desire.

Wow, what a great explanation! I really appreciate that. Your so right, it depends on what I expect or need so that's why it can be hard as everyone is different and I do overthink!

In reply to yellow, my last 2 relationships were passionate, strong connections but lacked substance (different values, red flag behaviours, etc.). That's why I now value stability more than I did.

I suppose this is the problem, I want both, passion and stability but I'm totally confused of how realistic that is. I'm 35 so I am feeling pressure to get this one right.

It is good advise to wait and see so i'll try that! We haven't opened up about our feelings yet (because I'm unsure) so I'll wait for that moment and try to be honest

I just saw the newer messages....ok, seems like more sole searching for me to do! Thank you all so much

'Comtesse' you got me thinking! some times we meet and i do feel sexual chemistry, other times I'm looking around at other guys thinking if I'm really with the right person. It would be much easier if i was turned off or turned on. Maybe even asking these questions is not a great sign as clearly i am searching for more.

Appreciate all comments, it's really helping

What you want is what you want. It doesn't matter if it's realistic or not. I mean, even if it was wildly unrealistic, that doesn't mean that you ought to stop wanting what you want, or be happy with something that isn't enough for you. How would you even go about deciding not to want something anymore? It's not do-able. If we could decide what to want in a relationship, the world would be a completely different place. The relationship board would be full of people saying 'I've decided to be happy with my partner who never does their share of the housework, and who yells at me all the time. I'm so contented now!'

You want what you want. What you can't afford to do, if you're feeling pressure, is to waste time on a maybe. The right guy, essentially, will not offer you a relationship that has you asking questions about it on a forum. You'll be too busy, even if he's not what you expect, being royally pleased he's in your life, to need to ask questions of strangers about him.

Maybe even asking these questions is not a great sign as clearly i am searching for more

Cross posted. Clearly you've realised for yourself what I was posting about!