Advice and help needed

[Haveahorriblefeeling]

First time posting here, just looking for some help and advice from an outsider.

Husband had an EA with a co-worker last year. He’d been distant and I checked his phone (something I never do) and saw the messages. They had declared they were in love with each other, but never said they would leave their other half’s. He was very apologetic, and I thought we were working through it until I found he’d sent another message saying he loved her. He hasn’t deleted her number, still friends on FB etc. Anyway, thought we’d turned a corner but he recently told me there’s no passion in the relationship and he wants it like it was when we first got together. We’ve been together for 20 years. He’s changed the passcode on his phone and is ALWAYS on his phone. Which makes me suspicious. He seems to jump down my throat if I ask any sort of question and gets defensive. Now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing. I feel like he’s messaging her again but he’s not telling me. He said the EA was exciting, and seems to have had his head turned. There’s still intimacy there, but I feel like he’s not bothered about me anymore. Not like he used to be. Sorry for waffling on. I’m just lost.

What do you want to happen?. Do you want to end your marriage because of his emotional affair?. I am sorry but I would put a crisp tenner on it that he's never worked through this at all and is wanting to have his cake and eat it. Do not therefore continue to do the "pick me dance" with your H. I would seriously consider now asking him to leave the marital home asap to give you space and time away from him. He should not have you at home cooking for him and or doing his laundry.

Do read Chumplady's website and read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Consider also seeing a therapist on your own.

He was very apologetic? Not for long though. He’s hardly acting contrite now is he?

He’s turning this around so either he has an excuse to go because you aren’t passionate enough or that you will get so fed up with his behaviour that you’ll get rid of him. Either way he will feel like the wronged party.

So unfortunately that leaves you with the choice of jumping or pushing.

Sorry because it sounds awful. Do you have RL support? Don’t cover for him, he’s cheated on you.

I don’t want to end my marriage. I love him very much and want to get through this. This is the only major issue we have had in 20 years. I feel like when it all kicked off and was out in the open he was very remorseful. Which I suppose they always are aren’t they? It’s just recently he’s becoming distant again and it’s worrying me. The fact he changed the passcode annoyed me. Not that I check all the time, I haven’t since I first found out, but it just seems dodgy. I do have support, my friends have been amazing. I just have a horrible feeling he is going to leave and say it’s not the same as it was blah blah blah. He’s never even mentioned anything about the relationship not being passionate enough before this. I thought we had a rock solid relationship but it’s really upset me and I can’t believe he did it. I should say he kissed her too. He says only once but who knows.

I’m so sorry but he is having an affair again. Would he consider counselling together or would you go separately? It’s awful after such a long marriage but unless you really are going to allow him to do this right under your nose you don’t have many options.

Have you actually tackled him about it all? If he wanted it to work he’d be fine with you looking at his phone.

Well he's got you on the back foot now. He's told you to up your game or it's your fault if he looks elsewhere. What exactly is HE doing to put some passion back in to your relationship? Sweet FA I imagine.

I wouldn't put up with this self serving shit, but if you want to make a go of it would he agree to couples counselling?

he wasnt remorseful,. he was behaving like someone who had been caught in the act because thats what he is someone who has been caught out. He has made a concious decision to stop you finding out what is going on by changing his password. why else would he do it if he didnt have something to hide? first it was just an emotional affair, then he has kissed her. come on, its obvious. this has gone way beyond this point and is an affair. he wont commit to it fully because he likes you being at home doing all the boring stuff, looking after the house and family etc whilst he goes elsewhere for thrills. He is right. its not the same as it was because instead of working things out with you he has checked out and gone elsewhere. This marriage is dead and gone I am afraid. the sooner you accept this the sooner you can start to reorganise yourself and start living again. being on eggshells around someone who doesnt love and respect you is not right.

It hasn’t gone further than a kiss. I know this as when it happened we aired everything out and he had the opportunity to tell me and I know when he’s lying. I don’t think the marriage is dead. Or at least I don’t want it to be. I agree about the passcode, it is trying to hide something which is why I’ve started to be suspicious again. I don’t go through his phone, but if I ever felt the need to check I thought I could do. Obviously can’t now. I do feel like the blame has shifted to me....and yes you’re right, there’s no passion or effort from him at the minute. Can’t even remember the last time he did something nice for me. I feel like if I say something he’ll get all defensive again. I’m just so sad about the whole thing.

I haven’t mentioned counselling but I will