Wwyd?

[Bridgetsndme]

So I saw a guy as friends a few weeks ago - we’d previously been on a few dates a few years ago but I ended it - but we stayed in touch on and off. Went out for a few drinks and I mentioned I had a wardrobe that needed assembling - I wasn’t actually asking for his help. At the end of the evening he offered to help and I accepted. I actually did a lot of it but with his help - I’m not sure I could have done it completely by myself.
I offered to take him out somewhere to say thanks but having spoken to him in the mean time I can see why I only went on a few dates with him. He’s not that pleasant company, talks about himself all the time and shows no interest in me and is very dismissive. So I really don’t want to go out anywhere with him!
However I still feel grateful for his help with the wardrobe - should I make an excuse about going out and offer him some money instead?

Not at all. My friend is lazy

You reaching out now - whatever the text says - will come across as being interested in him. Especially as he’s the type who’s apparently quite wrapped up in himself, he won’t register the part about you being too busy to meet up, he’ll just be like “ooh she texted me. Ooh she wants my address to bring me some beer” etc and if anything it will have the opposite effect to whatever you’re imagining! Just leave it now. I’m not saying ghost him, but don’t make the first contact. If he contacts you asking you out then maybe say you’re really busy. You don’t need to offer money or even wine to someone for doing a bit of DIY for you. Unless that’s his actual job.

Leave it, he won't care either way. Self absorbed buffoons seldom do.

@RoyKentsChestHair yes you’re probably right! Thing is I’d already suggested a day for us to go out so he’s probably assuming we will and I just don’t want to go! I guess I could just not reply and see if he mentions it. If he does just say I can’t make it now?!

@Bridgetsndme

How does this sound? “I’ve got lots going on so not going to be able to meet soon. Am obviously grateful for your help with the furniture so if you let me know your email I could send you some money as a thank you by PayPal”

This. But add in you'd like to send him some money to treat himself to some beers or a meal as a thank you for his help. Sounds less "businesslike" than paying him!!

I think you should send him a gift as you already offered to take him out as a thank you. It might not have been necessary to give him a gift as a thank you but once you have offered one, it's a bit rude to take back the offer.

I would tell him that you are too busy at the moment to get together and ask for his email address to send an online gift voucher to buy him some beers/coffee voucher instead. Offering money is a bit rude IMO, it makes it transactional rather than a token of appreciation from a friend to a friend helping them out.

Thanks for the suggestions 😊 How about this:
“ I’ve got lots going on at the moment so won’t be able to meet soon, sorry. Very grateful for your help with the wardrobe so if you let me know your email address a thank you will be coming your way”

You've already said he shows no interest in you, so I doubt he'd appreciate any gesture of thanks.

@torquewench true but as others have said I have offered a thank you gesture so feel bad taking it back

You’re trying to be nice and polite but messaging specifically to offer gifts or money to say thank-you is just going to further imply that you’re interested in him when you aren’t. This wardrobe assembly happened several weeks ago you said in your OP? I doubt he’s giving it any further thought. If he gets in touch to ask when you’re next meeting up, feign being very busy and do the slow fade.

You owe nothing but if you think you will feel more in control then give him a bottle of wine as thanks then walk away.

Thanks for all the messages - I’ve still done nothing though! He has texted about something else and I’ve not replied…

Don’t reply. Let things drift. You don’t owe him anything more at all: until you saw him most recently you didn’t have any real kind of connection beyond occasional text messaging, he offered to help with your wardrobe presumably just to be nice because you’d mentioned it, and I doubt he expects anything in particular from you or is really that invested in a friendship with you. It’s of no benefit to either of you to keep up a pretence of friendship with ongoing messages.

Honestly, it’s easy. I do it all the time when I don’t want to stay in touch with somebody I barely know. The sky doesn’t fall in. They almost invariably get the (silent) message after a couple of unanswered texts. On the rare occasion they don’t, they can be blocked. It is really not A Big Deal.

@Bridgetsndme

Thanks for the suggestions 😊 How about this: “ I’ve got lots going on at the moment so won’t be able to meet soon, sorry. Very grateful for your help with the wardrobe so if you let me know your email address a thank you will be coming your way”

This sounds like you genuinely can't meet up for a bit but don't want him to think you've lost interest so would like to send him a treat. It makes out you're into him and you're not, so it's not a fair or necessary message to send.

You're over thinking this massively.

I think I’ll probably just let it drift as whilst I really appreciated his help I really don’t want to give the impression I’m interested in him - I’m absolutely not! Just wish I hadn’t accepted his offer of help 😩