Walking on eggshells in the morning?

[Dreamitaway]

My partner is a very hands on dad. He is lovely and kind in all ways except for the mornings, the mornings are an absolute nightmare.

I suffer with chronic mental health issues and for the most part my partner does a great deal more than me. I'm always extremely grateful and he knows if he ever wants a break to see friends etc, it's not an issue.

He does, however, spend his time video gaming until 2/3am in the morning as he claims its the only time he gets to himself, which I completely understand but we have 3 kids and they wake up at around 7am.

Waking him up every morning is a nightmare, firstly it takes multiple times just trying to get him awake. Then when he is awake, he is moody and horrible to us all. He's snappy and irritable and it's really quite upsetting.

I feel like I'm constantly trying to pander the kids in the morning to make sure they're not naughty, so he doesn't go off on one of his long and lengthy rants.

His moods cause me to feel tense for the entire morning and whenever I speak to him about it, he tells me not to wake him up then or that I'm being dramatic.

It feels unfair that we're all copping his mood because he stays up too late. His mood dramatically changes within 2 hours and then he is the kindest person I know but rinse and repeat again the next morning. It ruins my mood every morning and it feels unfair.

Does he have to get up for work?

He’s ducking out of his responsibilities to the family, but if you can handle getting the kids up, I would let him sleep , but also not force them to be anything other than normal.

It could be rough, but please don’t tiptoe around him. He needs to be responsible for his decision to stay up gaming and not expect you all to accommodate him.

What a berk.

He knows he has to get up early but still stays up late. Sounds like a teenager.

We all want time to ourselves but it has to be fitted in where reasonable.

He should go to be at midnight.

Gaming is so addictive and he needs to not get lost in it until 3am.

Does he work?

I'd be cranky too if I only had 4 hours sleep; but then I also wouldn't stay up until 3am playing games.

How hands on are you during the rest of the day? (Sorry, just wondering how the parenting workload is shared out throughout the day).

Do as he asks. Do not wake him up. Try it for a week and see if things improve.
As he struggles to get up then it does not sound as if the dc would accidently wake him up. No need to hush them.
If he complains about being late for work, point out he can't have it both ways.
It is 100% his responsibility to get himself up.

Ugh. My husband is not a morning person so he is asleep but not moody if woken. This sounds hideous. He may be Mary Poppins the rest of the day but he wakes up like the Exorcist? I think you both need to find a balance somehow as this sounds miserable.

Does he also have mental health issues? Is he using the gaming to cope do you think? It's not logical behaviour to stay up to 3/4am if you need to get up to go to work at 7am? There's clearly more than just addiction to gaming going on as this is vey self destructive behaviour.

He's not working at the moment, which is part of the problem. When he was working, he slept at much better times.

In 2017 my health went drastically down hill and I was in hospital for lengthy periods of time. Since then he has been my carer.

He has a super tough time of it, he does most things. I tend to get kids up and ready, breakfast and lunch sorted and if my health is good, I will also do tidying up but sometimes my health is so poor that I'm in bed for days and he has to do most things on his own. I always wake up with kids tho regardless of my health.

He is going back to work in two weeks and I'm hoping that will make a massive difference. I think the gaming is partly tondo with his own mental health struggles. I'm the first today that I'm a burden, that I'm hard work, that he does most of the work but I still don't want to be walking on eggshells every morning.

He does have lie ins but most of the time I'm up throughout the night with my youngest and I'm exhausted and can't do it on my own.

I don't know, I feel like a right selfish entitled combag writing this as I know I don't deserve him at all but I just wish mornings could be nicer.

That should say cowbag* 🤣🤣

If you can cope with mornings I'd let him sleep and do as much as you can.

I can let him sleep on weekends but I can't do the school run on my own as all 3 of mh kids are in different schools

Have you had a talk with him about it? If so, how did you approach it/how did he respond? And if not, what stops you?

It doesn't sound like an easy situation for anyone. If you have young kids, I assume you and your partner are both reasonably young and I think becoming a carer to your partner in early life has to be hard.

That said, you are where you are now and you can't do school runs alone so he needs to be up. What happens if you have a conversation about it later in the day? When he's not being grumpy.

You have to stop waking him up. He’s an adult and if he needs to be up at specific time, then he should set his own alarm and get out of bed on his own.

Compromise. If he does the lions share of everything then let him sleep in.

What's the point in waking him up? What do you get from that?

Let him wake up naturally and see what time he emerges and what mood he is in. If it's the middle of the afternoon, fair enough say something as he has to participate in family time. But if its before midday, so technically morning, leave him.

I'm only saying this because you have detailed how much he has to take on.