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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands punched a hole through the door today

24 replies

Nat94 · 25/01/2022 00:35

Hi there, so exactly that. I am absolutely fine and my husband has never laid a hand on me and i dont believe he ever would. Other than the occasional snappy comment here and there he's genuinely got a heart of gold.

Weve come back from his grandfathers funeral late this evening and hes had one to many at the wake. I would also like to add whats caused this is we are currently in the process of moving house and he received a message from the solicitors when we got home essentially threatening to re list the house we have currently been waiting on to complete for the last 8 months if we did not agree to a higher price. Of course he was pretty emotional because of the funeral and this was the spark that ignited him. Husband is currently snoring in bed after i have bandaged his hand up and have just cleared up the broken bits of wood on the floor. DS is also staying up my mums house tonight so there was no children in the house.

Anyway, really what im asking is regarding the circumstances… how would you raise this with him tomorrow? I imagine he will be very sheepish and apologetic tomorrow as its completely out of character. I am very annoyed of course but also somewhat understanding regarding the circumstances. I guess im just really looking for someone to speak to and wanted to know what you would say or handle this tomorrow? Husband was also very angry shouting and swearing at the top of his voice for a good 5 minutes before he hit the door 😔 just so surprised by what hes done.

OP posts:

spellingtest · 25/01/2022 00:48

I didn't want to read and run. My partner did this to an interior wall (not when he was with me) and he wouldn't kill a fly. My ex husband did this to a door once and again, wouldn't hurt a fly but had quite a child like temper but I have never seen him do anything like this before or after.

I suspect he will be mortified in the morning. Drink and grief can be a toxic combination for even the most level headed people. Add into the mix the frustration of the house which probably couldn't have come at a worst time.

I hope he apologies and repairs it without complaint.

I hope you don't feel scared. If you do that's a while other conversation.

spellingtest · 25/01/2022 00:49

I've just re read your post about him shouting for 5 mins before. You say there were no children in the house. But you were there. Would he have acted like that if children had been there.

I hope you are ok. I suspect you are quite shocked at seeing this side of him?

DatingDinosaur · 25/01/2022 00:55

Because you say it was completely out of character for him I’d be inclined to agree that it was an “everything has just got on top of him and it was either break down and cry or break things” moment.

You are right though, the key thing will be when you talk to him tomorrow. If he shows remorse, guilt, shame, embarrassment then talks through it all with you then he’s a good man. It is the lack of those emotions and unwillingness to talk that would make it Red Flag / abusive territory, IMHO.

I would raise it by plonking a strong cup of coffee in front of him, giving him a hug, kissing his poorly hand, looking him in the eye with genuine worry/concern, and asking him how he’s feeling this morning. If he needs to cry, let him. It’s not just women that need a good cry and a “without judgement” hug at crisis points.

If he gets angry at you, pushes you away, snaps at you, or whatever, then that’s a whole different ball game and I would walk out of the room to let him calm down rather than allowing that to escalate.

GrumpyPanda · 25/01/2022 00:57

From your description he wasn't shouting AT you. Sounds like cathartic shouting to me, which i definitely get. Maybe give him.a punching bag for his next birthday? Less danger to his knuckles and no damage to walls or doors that way.

saraclara · 25/01/2022 01:01

Two people I know have done this.

One was a male friend at uni after his girlfriend dumped him. It was the wall though and he broke his hand. I ended up having to take him to A&E. It was midnight.
Another was more recent. Again, male friend. This time because he was furious with himself for something. Again a wall not a door. Fortunately no bones broken.

Neither person would hurt a fly. The second one does get wound up and stressy though.

It seems to be a male reaction to stress. If my husband had done it it would freak me out. But I can see why it happened to yours yesterday. Two incredibly stressful things, and with the second happening after the funeral, I suspect every bit of bereavement-related stress had a reason to come out.

I'd not accept it under any other circumstance, but I think staying calm and waiting for him to start the conversation is the way to go. But it's never to happen again, and he needs to recognise how frightening his behaviour was.

Original poster

Nat94 · 25/01/2022 01:04

Thanks for the replies. I was very shocked and was scary to see him like this as I’ve never seen him violent before (been together 9 years). Not that I’m justifying his behaviour but none of the shouting/yelling was aimed at me. He had some horrible things to say about the people selling the house and kept referencing the fact he didnt need this after carrying his grandfathers coffin today. I dont believe he would of done it in front of ds but in all honesty i didn’t think he would do it in front of me. He was also making comments about how he just wanted this house sale to go through so we could have our forever home and when i told him i was scared he did say he would never touch me and that he worships the ground i work on. (Not that he was acting like it of course)

So again regarding the circumstances and that it was not aimed at me in anyway i do want to cut him some slack.

However i do feel a bit shaken by it all.

OP posts:

saraclara · 25/01/2022 01:11

To be honest, I don't think either of the men I know who did it realised for a moment how scary their behaviour was to witness. They were so bound up in their own stress that I don't think it even occurred to them. Or that they'd have cared at that moment.

Had either of them been my partner (and the first one hadn't just broken his hand!), there is no way I would have let a conversation about it drop without making them understand and have some empathy for me having witnessing a very violent act

saraclara · 25/01/2022 01:14

...and "I wouldn't have hurt you" wouldn't be enough. Because that's close to making it about him again and taking the conversation down a 'how could you think that of me?' route.

Original poster

Nat94 · 25/01/2022 01:15

Thanks again for your comments i just wanted to get this off my chest and was nice to get a few opinions/ related stories other people have gone through. Sounds like as a one off i shouldn't think to much into it. Going to try and get some sleep now as its been such a long day. Good night everyone.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2022 01:23

Under these circumstances, I wouldn't be too upset about what he's done. I think he was boiling over with so many powerful, negative emotions, and combined with the alcohol, he just lost it temporarily. If this is genuinely a one off, and his anger wasn't directed at you, I think this is a very understandable human wobble.

StopStartStop · 25/01/2022 01:23

He has demonstrated that he is a violent man.

You have been left feeling 'shaky'.

He didn't punch you but he punched, violently enough to cause damage to a door. He did that in your presence. The message there is 'I can do this! You can't stop me! Behave, or else!'

You are minimising. People are supporting you in that.

spellingtest · 25/01/2022 08:17

@StopStartStop

He has demonstrated that he is a violent man.

You have been left feeling 'shaky'.

He didn't punch you but he punched, violently enough to cause damage to a door. He did that in your presence. The message there is 'I can do this! You can't stop me! Behave, or else!'

You are minimising. People are supporting you in that.

I don't agree with this opinion. As others have said (and myself) there can be an incident where a normally non violent man can react in this way.

I think the reaction this morning will give the OP a real flavour of who this man is and I sincerely hope it's the loving and kind man she has known for the last 9 years who's emotions boiled over after an unbelievably stressful day.

I don't condone his actions for a second, especially as the OP said it has left her feeling 'shaken' however I'm sure many many people have boiled over under extreme stress and it doesn't make them inherently violent.

ineedsun · 25/01/2022 08:23

My dad did this once. Literally only once in my entire life (I’m 50 now). He’s a good man, has never hit anyone, barely ever shouts at anyone. Was just totally overwhelmed and took it out on a door. So to say that demonstrates that he is a violent man is total nonsense. As it’s so out of character, I’d ask if he’s ok.

TheChemicalMother · 25/01/2022 08:27

Have none of us ever thrown something to the floor, slammed a door or yelled ‘aaaargh’ and banged or kicked an inanimate object?

Kdubs1981 · 25/01/2022 08:28

@StopStartStop

He has demonstrated that he is a violent man.

You have been left feeling 'shaky'.

He didn't punch you but he punched, violently enough to cause damage to a door. He did that in your presence. The message there is 'I can do this! You can't stop me! Behave, or else!'

You are minimising. People are supporting you in that.

I work in an area where my job is to carry out very complex risks assessments around violent behaviour.

He has not demonstrated he is a "violent man", he has demonstrated one incidence of violent behaviour. This is very different. EVERYONE is capable of violence in the right situation.

The circumstances, extreme stress, two of the most stressful life events (moving house and close bereavement) mixed with alcohol have created this scenario.

You know him. This would not register as likely to happen again.

However I would talk to him sensitively about how it made you feel to help him to understand.

Do not listen to blaming posts trying to make you feel guilty about taking an empathic approach with someone you love in the one off context of this event.

Of course it would be different if this became a pattern or it happened in front of children. But that is not the case currently.

nomoreroad · 25/01/2022 15:27

I remember a time once when I was dealing with the death of a close friend, my divorce and then had someone at work send me an arsey email. I was wfh alone at the time and flung my mouse across the room in frustration. Broke a vase. I would have probably had the same reaction if a partner had been present i.e flinging my mouse. Would not consider myself violent or a threat as it was the first and only time, and I felt like an idiot after it - certainly felt better tbh, like I released all the negative energy. His reaction tomorrow will likely be apologetic and embarrassed and having released those pent up emotions, he'll hopefully go back to being how he was.

spellingtest · 25/01/2022 22:12

Hi OP
How have things been today. I hope things are calm and you've been able to have a chat.

StopStartStop · 30/01/2022 11:28

Another minimiser somewhere above. If you work with violent men, that poster, you need to believe their actions. Once is enough.

Soontobe60 · 30/01/2022 11:37

@StopStartStop

He has demonstrated that he is a violent man.

You have been left feeling 'shaky'.

He didn't punch you but he punched, violently enough to cause damage to a door. He did that in your presence. The message there is 'I can do this! You can't stop me! Behave, or else!'

You are minimising. People are supporting you in that.

He has demonstrated that he struggles to express his emotions appropriately. Have you never been so upset and angry that you want to scream or cry uncontrollably? Men are taught that it’s not ok to cry, real men don’t show their feelings. So he punched a door. Not his partner, not his children. He needs support to vent his emotions in a more appropriate way, and I’d absolutely be saying that if this anger had in any way been directed to a person then yes, run for the hills. But this isn’t what happened.

StopStartStop · 30/01/2022 11:41

Apologist for male violence. Stop.

ineedsun · 30/01/2022 12:23

Open your eyes and mind, stop looking for issues where there isn’t one. It totally distracts the fact that there is a genuine problem with male violence and makes it easier for people to avoid the conversation when it’s actually needed.
Many examples on one post of how this doesn’t indicate that a person (man or woman) is violent as a one off incident when they are struggling. It doesn’t indicate any sort of a message or warning as a one off when someone is struggling. It indicates that a person (regardless of sex or gender) is finding it hard to manage whatever is going on and as a one off is an indicator that they would benefit from support or a change in circumstances.

Context is important when assessing risk.

QuinnMovesOn · 30/01/2022 16:41

My ex did this once, I told him if he ever did it again, I would immediately leave and take the kids with me. He didn't do it again. (We broke up years later for other reasons... I'm a trans widow.)

Original poster

Nat94 · 22/02/2022 02:25

Hello :) just remembered i never replied to this. Husband was extremely apologetic and got the door replaced. We have been fine ever since and have now kissed and made up ☺️ Ive put it down as just a blip. Thanks again for the replies when i needed someone to speak to.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 11:40

and when i told him i was scared he did say he would never touch me and that he worships the ground i work on.

My mother used to tell my dad she worshipped the ground he walked on.

She was an abusive, histrionic bitch.

I'm not saying your DH is similar - but I would be very, VERY wary of these OTT melodramatic statements. Words are easy, Actions are what we are.

If this is genuinely a one-off, & he is remorseful AND appreciates that he scared you, was inappropriate & totally out of order, I'd probably chalk it up to immense grief & stress.

You know him best OP - but my sympathies for the fright & worry he has caused you

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