In a relationship with someone going through stormy divorce

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been together with a guy for 4 months or so, we know each other well as we were friends before. We both have pretty strong feelings for each other, and he’s very caring towards me.

He’s in the middle of a difficult divorce, though. He’s extremely close to his young child, as a wonderful Dad to him, and is heartbroken not to be with him all the time, especially as his ex uses his son to get at him, which distresses the child (age 6), and keeps saying he wants more time with his Dad than he’s getting — his mum has agreed to his Dad having him 3 nights per week and no more. It’s very acrimonious from his ex — she won’t communicate with him including over their child at all. By the way neither his son nor my children are involved in or know about our time together yet as it’s early days. On Sun we met for a walk somewhere lovely and we sat having tea with a beautiful view. He was very upset that day because of a difficult drop off with his son. Throughout the day he mentioned it. I didn’t mind listening and supporting him. But I’m wondering about being with someone so caught up in this — if he’s ready to be with me. I said the next day, “I had a lovely day with you, yesterday”. He said “It was alright”. He meant he was really stressed because of the drop off of his son.

What had happened was that when he had tried to tell his ex that his son’s friend they’d just been with now had covid, she wouldn’t listen and slammed the door in his face. The son was upset he hadn’t said goodbye to his Dad properly and opened the door and came rushing out to hug his Dad, and his mum called him back. I’m not vilifying the ex, by the way, I do entirely appreciate that she has her own perspective. I’m just wondering about being in a relationship with someone very preoccupied with these difficulties going on. I wonder would it be sensible to take a step back and wait. However I think this situation could go on for years!!

He sounds very emotionally dysregulated and self absorbed.

Why was he unable to process and appropriately compartmentalise the (minor?) incident / discord at handover in order to put it aside so that he could have a respectful and enjoyable time with you rather than being preoccupied and overtly bringing his dramas to you?

Likely because he is entitled.

He treated you badly here.

He also treated you badly the next day when you picked it up - it’s shows that he is consumed with the negative emotions of his conflict with his soon to be ex wife - that’s where his head is at - it’s not with you.

I suspect that you are right that it will go on for years.

@Neveragain85

I also met someone going through a divorce despite having been separated for 4 years. During the next 3.5 years they battled with solicitors, then negotiating directly with each other, then went onto the second set of solicitors each before it went to court. It's been so hard as I feel our chance of being in a happy relationship has been ruined by bringing all these unresolved issues into our relationship. I definitely didn't ask the right questions at the beginning but I had no idea separated people conducted themselves like this, I was so naive! Unless you are very good at detaching, which I am not, it will be a struggle & may cost you the relationship anyway so better to move on now before you get attached

That sounds suspiciously like my ex and me, although the timing is off, but can I just say that this was not my choice. It was a man who did not accept that life was not as he wanted it or put the interests of the child before his own.

To the point about contact being denied when it is three days a week, what this means is that he cannot have contact as and when he pleases.

3 nights a week is near enough 50/50 contact as far as it can be practically carried out. What contact is he proposing?

I don't think he is ready for a relationship and you need to protect yourself a bit and not end up as his counsellor. It's early days for him and I think he would probably benefit from seeing an actual therapist about his divorce and contact issues. At 4 months you should be in the honeymoon period.

Why would you get involved with someone like this? You’ve been on mumsnet long enough to know the Red Flags. This is HUGE red flags waving everywhere. You’re getting caught up in the “crazy, unreasonable ex” and here you go being his flying monkey with “he’s a wonderful dad”. You don’t know that. Have you seen the day to day newborn him? Why exactly did he split with his ex? Not his bullshit “woe is me” but the full lowdown from her side too. She didn’t just randomly dump poor little doe eyed bambi boy out of the blue did she? Come on. You’re being used and doing the crutch thing and why? Have a long hard think about why you are villifying this woman on here. You’ve done the unthinkable. Let him jump straight into a warm bed. He needs to be on his own and sort himself out and fend for himself for a least a year with no sex on the side. Then if he’s interested AFTER his divorce and solvent and happy and drama free then you take up with him. Maybe ask yourself why you are desperately chasing someone like this?

OP, with kindness, you've posted a lot about this man during your short relationship. You should be deep in the honeymoon period, not asking for relationship advice on the internet. What positives do you actually get?

he quickly found a new partner hey!
4 months
Jesus Christ

I'd never get into a relationship with someone who hadn't been out of a long term relationship for a significant amount of time. Current DP was married and 7 years out of that relationship when I met him (he had a few short term relationships as well).

People need time to heal.

How long have they been separated? And how long after him being separated did you start a relationship?

Generally, it takes someone a minimum of 18 months to process a relationship breakdown. You do not want to be caught up in the middle of his processing period. For your own sake, take a large step back. Relook at it again in a year or so.

He isn't ready for a relationship now, and if you remain entangled with him you will doom the long term prospects of it working out for you. You can't build anything lasting whilst trying to balance on the still-shifting and crumbling rubble of the previous relationship.

He needs to sort out the divorce and childcare arrangements and get into a routine that allows him to clear out all that rubble and start afresh.

Yes he probably does need friendships during that time, he may also need casual sex, but if that's your role then it's very unlikely that you you'll be his long-term partner when he's ready to move on.

I started dating whilst I was going through my own divorce. I just couldn't handle it because of all the stress and pressures etc. I've taken a break from it now while things get finalised and not going back to it until I'm healed. I really think he should too. You definitely don't want to end up being involved with all his stressful shit that's for sure.