Hello..
Here for some advice really.. as I have nobody else. Well, I have 3 Kids .. but that doesn't count on this occasion obviously!
I posted here a few times in the past about my awful horrid relationship. Well it wasn't a relationship I was just a used, disrespected, manipulated slave. (Sad)
I don't need to go into details of what I went through as I did on previous posts because it's just long winded but I lived a horrible life for over 5 years. I knew something was totally wrong and very off but because he didn't Hit me I wondered if the word abuse was over the top.
In a nut shell..
He isolated me.. didn't ever want anything to do with my family. He never let me have a relationship with his either to the point our son was a secret till he was 3 months old. He's now 4 years old and only met his family twice. I know, mental. He only took me places the first year, (love bombed) after that literally nothing hardly.
He never posted me or our son on his social media etc I was manipulated that he liked a private life etc but really he wanted to look single and available to flirt with other women and receive attention and supply.
He made me feel like he lived with us, by sleeping at our house every night and chucking me a bit of money when I begged for it. however this was never his mailing address, all his belongings were kept at his parents house and never wanted to go on the tenancy (he's 50 bloody years old)
Anyway that is just 3 bullet points there was so much more in between. He neglected me in every single way. My feelings never mattered. He told me I was crazy. He told me I was over thinking all the time. If I asked him why he was cold and didn't cuddle me he'd tell me to ask myself why. Which I did over and over and found no answers?
This is the man who took no paternity leave because he said his work place needed him and I had to walk 3 miles a day as I had no car then 3 days after birth still bleeding badly to do the school run. Honestly I have suffered.
This man came home to all kids bathed and fed and happy and in bed, his dinner on the table, I greeted him every day with love everything was done for him. I did all I could whilst nothing was given back to me.
I run my own little online business which earns enough to get by for now, raise 3 kids, 3 different schools to get them to and from, maintain the house, cook, clean, pay 90% of bills all with a broken heart wondering why why why.
He is a narcissist to a T. Textbook. I never knew what one even was until I researched emotional abuse. I couldn't bileave what I'd been through had a name. Even down to the ghosting, silent treatment, discarding it's crazy.
Before Xmas i looked at old photos of myself and I even kissed one and I said I miss you and I love you and I told myself he can f* off !!
I wana be her again. My love over the years slowly turned into HATE but I stayed as I was weak I felt like a programmed zombie. With no life. No identity.
I began to realise with lots of research and educating myself and looking within that there was no point in searching for love or answers or anything from this abusive cold narcissist. Because weather I laughed and smiled or weather I screamed and cried was the same thing to him. Good attention bad attention both was feeding him. Sick
I had covid badly over Xmas and new year and I isolated with all 3 kids alone it was awful but it actually helped me get over him quick. I felt that crap, all I wanted was to feel better. When I recovered I felt so thankful for my health and everything felt brighter and lighter around me like a massive change in myself.
Forward to how I still have sad days. Some days I feel great. Other days I feel a pit in my belly and I have no clue what to even make for dinner. No clue how to have a conversation even.
It's like I've been asleep for years and I'm waking up? I'm having flash backs and thinking OMG how did I not see that or realise that!? I was blind and mentally abused. I hate myself for it. How did he turn someone as loud and confident as me into a weak creature.
He turned up twice at my house last week. Both unannounced asking to see our son. He will never ask for a routine with him or a plan. He doesn't want one. He just uses it to see me.
Turning up is still control in my eyes. To make me feel he could turn up at any time so I don't move on etc. Always on egg shells.
Don't worry when he turns up I tell him to fu** off every time. I'm not weak anymore.
At night the kids are in bed. I'm alone. I just sit in my thoughts. Sometimes cry. I just can't bileave the life I lived. Is this normal?
I feel guilty the kids had a sad Mum for so long. I'm mad at myself I tried to have a family with a beast. I'm sad for my little boy that his dads a monster and it would never be good for him to have contact. I need to protect my sons heart and stop him being an emotionally abused child. I absolutely need him to grow into a good man for his future wife and his own babies.
I'd like to know.. is there any groups of people who have been through similar? I'd like to meet some good friends. Not just for me but I'd also like to give others comfort to who have been through the same.
I don't know where to start. I just know and admit I need some human interaction and support.
Today I went in the supermarket to get some stuff in for dinner... all I thought was "I'm not cooking for him tonight that feels weird and I don't know what to do"
But I still made a lovely meal for the kids. I just had to get out the shop ASAP. I feel mad I hate it xxx
If you got this far then wow. Thankyou so much. X x x