Anyone else who has given up hope / made peace of never finding a relationship?

[IwantYOURdog]

Pretty much that.

If you have, how did you do it?

I think I need to get there. I can’t deal with this anymore.

Yes I have, I'm 53 this year, I've been divorced for 12 years. I have a 14 year old daughter, so pretty busy with her at the moment.

I had a two year relationship which ended in 2020, he was a controlling mind game playing arse. In view of that I can't be bothered to go on dating sites as all the men I come across either just want a bunk up or are bored in their current relationship. I'm no second best so can't imagine I'll find anyone, but I'd rather be single than settle.

I've tried to make peace with it and thought I actually did but I'm kidding myself. The more I think about it the more depressing it becomes. For me no amount of hobbies, friends, social events, can replace a loving partner. The pandemic made me realise how alone I really am.

Trying to get myself together to go online/ do meet ups later in the year... it's mentally exhausting just thinking about it!

Sad to be in this situation at this time of my life... I've spent most of my life being single or been in awful relationships...if you can call them that.

I guess I just need to keep trying and have hope but it's hard.... I'm worn down and lost confidence...not that I had much to begin with.

The myth that there is someone out there for everyone is pervasive. You could end up in a relationship with another arsehole. Relationships aren't all theyre cracked up to be. Sometimes I think I'd rather have a dog and a hobby

Is there a middle ground? An acceptance that you are building a life that you love and enjoy and that it would be satisfying with or without a partner in it? Not a closed book but with no emotionally draining dating bullshit.

I don’t know what that looks like by the way but if you’ve always fancied travelling then opening up a savings account and starting to seriously plan it. Or having a baby - you don’t say if you have kids but if you don’t and you want a family - then starting the ball rolling of going it alone etc. ditto for anything you want in your life, regardless of your martial status.

I find it hard to write things off, I’m a never say never person. I have a partner and I am well aware that just bc I have someone now, doesn’t mean I always will. I build my life with ME in mind (sounds terrible but it’s just realistic)

I think I'm going to try the dog and hobby route. 43 and on the shelf. I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I don't need a man but I would like the kind of companionship that comes with a good relationship. I just don't want the hassle that comes with a bad relationship.

Yes I will never have a relationship now, it’s hard to accept but what else can you do

Me I meet him when I was 54.

Me!!!

Completely come to terms with the fact that I will most likely be single for the rest of my life and won’t be having anymore children…which originally made me very sad. But now I’ve accepted it; it is easy to deal with.

@IwantYOURdog

Can I ask how did you come to accept it?

@UrsulaBursula

Sorry, meant to ask you, if you don’t mind telling how you’ve come to accept it.

I won't. I can get awful IBS so I wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone. My body is grim too.

I'm in my 50s and I have given up hope but I'm not completely at peace with it. As a matter of fact I had a crying jag today about it, I I haven't had true companionship in over a decade. It's soul crushing feeling. I used to have hope but now that I'm in my 50s I feel it's over, I don't want to do online dating anymore, I rarely click with any one out there. I don't really want to date dozens of men just to most likely not find anyone (done that before and ended up being cheated on by one and settling for years with another)

I think every year that goes by I feel better about it, but sometimes it hits me that this is it. This is my life, to never have that companionship & love again and I get terrified. But then I push thru it til the next time.

I have DS(14) with significant SN/medical issues. I very much doubt he will ever live independently There are periods of time when we dont make it out the house because physically he barely makes it out of bed.

Either I could throw him to the mercy of the social care system or I can give him a home for as long as I can. I have no doubt my decision.

But its isnt particularly compatible with dating outside the home ( less so when DD(16) heads off to university).

That's giving aside I'm not entirely sure I'm over my genuinely lovely but with odd bursts of violence ex (I certainly have never loved or fancied anyone half as much) and thanks to ExH I wont ever combine finances.

I miss cuddles and the feeling of there being someone always on your side. But on the whole I kinda feel that I cant offer a relationship very much and I'm not sure I'd be satisfied with someone who thought what I was prepared to give of myself was enough. I'm not lowering my standards so I've reached a comfortable impasse.

It helped I had an abortive attempt at a relationship just before lockdown. Fun as it was (and I'm still incredibly fond of the guy who tried), It didn't really feel real and seemed faintly ridiculous when as a family (DC+me) we locked down to protect DS. The relationship felt kinda irrelevant. I think I made my peace with the lack of future relationship then.

Honestly, I think about the positive side to being single and not having more children and it does help me not feel so depressed about it.

I could either look at it as I’ll be single forever and die alone or I could look at it as I choose to be in the best relationship with myself for the rest of my life and fill my life with happiness, self awareness, less stress (than my married friends seem to have), and friends that value me.

I also believe that a lot of women most likely will end up being single for the rest of their lives aswell so I will make friends with more women like that and we can help empower each other and fill the gap that a potential partner could fill.

I also remind myself that the days of me being in a relationship- I often thought of how simple and less stressful life was when I was single.

I’ve been single for 9 years now though and I’ve cried and stressed about it so much now that I now look at it from a different perspective.

Me!

It is not so much that I have given up completely but I have accepted that it is very likely it will never happen.

I went for the 'wrong guy' over and over again all my life. I only just realised what I have been doing (repeating the cycle of abuse that started in childhood).

I am however starting therapy to at least try to be better at protecting myself from attracting these type of mem. The light bulb moment was when I recently started dating a man who had been a friend (or so I thought) for 6 years and who turned out to be a dangerous narcissist as soon as we got closer and who assaulted me.

I want to make sure that I never repeat any of this. I would prefer being alone to being hurt in this way again and inviting another dodgy man into my life.

If someone comes along, great but I am done trying to actively attract anyone.

Me !! 56 this year . I have spent the last 18 years bringing up my son and just feel like because of how his dad treated us I’d rather not bother . I know I should sort this out but being honest I’m not really interested in being in a relationship. If someone amazing comes along then I may change my mind but I’m not actively doing anything to help the process .

I kind of have. I'm single. I won't be online dating. I am living my life to the full and open to dating. I accept it might not happen but if it does..great! Fwiw I just ended a 6 year relationship. My choice. I could have stayed in it but I'd sooner be alone than badly accompanied.

I have also come to the conclusion that a lot of my partnered and married friends all seem to be in a relationship but most are simply putting up and shutting up or just together for other reasons (can’t afford to split/ young kids/ scared of divorce) and again - I have to ask myself; is that the life I want anyway?

I want to be completely in love and happy and fulfilled and satisfied with what life has to offer and if that means being single and without a spouse - then bring it on

Me! I can't be arsed with it. I had a horrendous divorce after ex ran off with an utterly malignant OW and that has deeply scarred me and I no longer trust my judgement. I've dated here and there but nobody has really caught my eye or held my attention. I did have a FWB for about 6 years but he wanted to settle and have children and I wasn't doing that so it ended.

I'm 52 with a primary aged SEN child, 100% single parent and no respite. How I'm supposed to build a relationship is beyond me. So I've accepted it. It's not how I saw my life panning out, but it is what it is.

I have. I'm 57 and been divorced for 13 or 14 years. I've had a few relationships that have lasted 6 months - 1.5 years but not now for at least 5 years. The last one was someone I really fell for but he was a covert narc and that put me right off stepping on eggshells and being tied up in emotional knots. I've put on a lot of weight and can't imagine ever being prepared to do online dating again and I never meet single men in my life day to day. Both my DC are now off at university but this coincided with covid so the expectation that I'd go off and pursue lots of hobbies and activities hasn't quite come to pass. I have a number of very good friends but life is pretty boring and you do miss out on some stuff when you're not in a couple.

So it just looks like a realistic and rational expectation that I will now stay single. I do get lonely from time to time and sometimes wish I had someone in my life, but I am very independent and enjoy doing what I want when I want. I think when covid fully eases up I shall focus on travelling more. And picking up on more activities to fill my time. I love seeing my friends a d have a lot of fun with them.

My view is even if I did want a relationship there wouldn't be anything I could do about it. So acceptance is a good place to be.

Me! I've been single for over 6 years with 3 children. I've resigned this is my life now and I just need to get on with it. Can't even remember the last time I was intimate with someone and I'm only 36!

I definitely to do not envy some of my friends lives, alot of hard work raising a family and balancing work.... issues with partner too. I haven't got the energy or patience for that...

Someone earlier mentioned not trusting their judgement with partners... that's me too. Sometimes I think I'm safer alone.

I have zero interest.
Accepting it was easy when I faced the reality of what most relationships are for women and the con of happily ever after.

It's very very easy to have a relationship if you lower your standards and enjoy being a skivvy.

Yes, single for 10 years and have now made peace with it. I had a horrible breakup which took me a couple of years to get over but I was always open to eventually meeting someone else. Anyway, I never really made the effort with online dating and didn't met anyone through work etc...I always thought trying online dating was something I'd do 'next year'. Then during the pandemic my mindset completely changed and I just stopped wanting to try and meet someone even 'next year'. It's hard to explain what happened. I just became really content on my own. Another issue is that I moved back in with my parents after many years living alone so I couldn't even try to meet someone if I wanted to e.g. I could never invite someone back to my parents' as in their culture it's not acceptable to be dating/meeting men - I should have had an arranged marriage but far too old now thankfully!