Please help me unpick this situation with my mum?

[Feelingstuckkkk]

Have posted before about this but on AIBU, I'm still unsure if I am being unreasonable but wanted to get more insight so I'll include all details, apologies if this is long.

Back story is I have 2 DC, one teen and I was a single parent for years, now have a toddler and I'm in a relationship. A couple of years ago I moved about 15 mins drive away from DM.
DM would do absolutely anything for anyone especially family and she has and continues to help me out with childcare, has lent me money (always paid back, nothing extreme an extra £100 to cover christmas things like that etc)

My issues sound so silly written down but it's really starting to annoy me and I honestly dont know if I just need to let it go and maybe it's just the way grandparents are?
My DM massively spoils my eldest, take this month for example she has taken him shopping twice and brought name branded clothing, shoes, coat, games, gift vouchers food, spent at least a couple of hundred on him and christmas has just gone where he had some of the above brought by me! I saved alot to be able to get a game he wanted a few of his favourite tracksuits and what she brought was of course bigger and better.
Since we moved he now gets the bus to school and about 3x per week she will take and pick him up instead so she can buy him food and drink for when he comes out of school, it's always a share size bag of crisps and a coke or similar.
This month isn't a one off, she used to regularly give him money £5 a week of pocket money but that's now evolved to more like £15 a week mostly in game cards so he's spent it within 5 mins.
She hates him spending his own money so she'll go out of her way to buy the things he mentions he might spend his money on!

He doesnt go without at all and I have brought him loads, he has every gadget you can possibly buy (iphone, ipad, apple watch, air pod, apple laptop, xbox, ps4) all saved up and brought by me for xmas or birthdays. She brought him the newest xbox a few months back even though the one he had was barely over a year old and nothing wrong with it just his friend got the new one for his birthday and my DM wanted him to have the same.
My main concern is that DS is going to end up thinking 1. He's entitled to anything he wants as she buys everything he wants! And 2. Not understanding the price of things and having to save/budget.
I have of course spoken to her many times about this and she tells me she likes to spoil him and that she'll do what she likes basically.

So am I overreacting here? And does anybody have any insight as to why she does it?
Will add anymore detail if I've forgotten anything.
Oh and to add she isn't rich at all! Infact she doesnt even work anymore and all this money is infact my stepdads!

Is your older son's dad around? She may feel like she's accommodating for that is he isn't by paying him extra attention to make sure he doesn't feel left out with younger son's dad being around.

@gilda152 that is a very good point, eldests dad isn't around, we split when he was about 3 but he'd always been rubbish and hasnt had much to do with him since. But her behaviour predates my new partner and having my youngest. I think I'm just noticing it more as back then she would spend a £5 on a new toy car he wanted a couple of times a week but now the things she buys are bigger and more extravagant and he's old enough to pick up on how she throws cash at him constantly.

Maybe that is the crux of it? I know my mum was always very protective and nurturing (and spoiling) of my sisters son who was her first grandson and his dad was just an idiot who my sister left when nephew was 2. My sister would spend a lot of time at mum and dads and I think my mum just went overboard on looking after him to make up for his dad not being around and as he got older, the little treats turned into ones of more monetary value because teenagers stuff costs more that little ones I guess. Even though my sister was and is a great mum (my nephew is well into his 30's now) and he never wanted for anything, I think it was also my mum's way of supporting my sister too.

My Dad spoils all of his Grandchildren but it's not even a secret that his Grandchild who is adopted is his favourite. He spoils her so much and I think it's his way of 'making up' for her start in life. If your Son's Dad isn't around it sounds like your Mum might be doing the same kind of thing?

@gilda152 thank you so much that really does give me some insight into how she sees things. His dads side of the family also have little to do with him too and she is probably trying to make up for that too.

My issue is that honestly she does act like his parent sometimes, she has undermined my parenting loads, she even gets him to keep things quiet. I've overheard her on the phone telling him not to tell me what she's brought him or something. And I'm not a complete witch or anything I just ask her to try to cut down on how much she spoils him and she reacts by being sneaky instead.
She takes him food shopping all the time and he comes home with bags of sugary food even though I of course food shop every week with plenty of food and treats for him. Then she complains about his diet and says he eats too much rubbish!

I am so grateful for the things she does for me but I just feel like she doesnt see me as his parent at all. I have no say in so many things as she overrides me.

Could it be that your oldest probably thanks her for the crisps / coke/ expensive items and she just likes that instant gratification ? My parents were always very distant from my girls , and they lived a couple of hundred miles away, they’d give a gift to them but didn’t want to ever send anything. It’s like they had to see the reaction and hear the thanks instantly.
If it is this it shows a need in your mum but I’m not sure what you do about it.

what a lovely step-dad you have ! Personally, i think it's fine and you are possibly overreacting a bit. My situation is similar - mum undermines me sometimes and spoils DC, buying them whatever they want basically. But I adore her and I can't say anything to her as she sulks and is extremely rude at times to me but it's fine. My mum had an extremely difficult and abusive childhood (this is why my mum is the way she is i believe) and both my brother and I make allowances as her heart is in the right place and we had the best childhood years ever with her and my dear dad. I believe as long as there are boundaries at home, a bit of spoiling here and there by grandparents is fine.

This sounds as if your DM has become very blurred in her relationships with love/ giving/ receiving and feeding. Teenage boys aren’t well known for hanging out with their grandmothers several times a week but by spending an absolute fortune on him and stuffing him with crap she’s getting lots of gratification very frequently.

If she’s not wealthy and working how on Earth is she able to afford all this? Hopefully not by getting into debt.

As his mother you are completely within your rights to refuse her permission to do all of this though actually enforcing it may be difficult. However your DS has a ludicrous amount of stuff from the sound of it. And you’re right, of course he will become entitled because he’s been trained very well.

You need to put a stop to it all. There’s so much wrong with this.