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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship advice please help!

4 replies

Donnawake47 · 24/01/2022 16:50

I really need some advice please, Iv been with my partner for 23 years we have two children age 22 and 16, he’s 58 and I’m 41, the last few years Iv been very unhappy and my partner is not a good communicator at all, everytime I try to have a discussion about things he just stares at the tv. He’s never really been there emotionally for me and I feel like we have no connection whatsoever, I want different things I’m still young so I want to do things in life like enjoy the time I have left and he said he’s happy to watch tv for the rest of his life! I’m so frustrated I’m starting to resent him, everytime I ask him can you not compromise? He will say all the time “no that’s the way I am” “I’m me and your you” and point blank refuses to discuss anything. All I ask of him is to try talking a bit more and also show a bit more affection and be willing to enjoy whatever life is left as it’s just too short, a year ago I used to sit every night and practically beg for his attention as he would just sit on the laptop every night and just blank me, I’d often cry myself to sleep, I’m not a needy person but sometimes it feels like I’m in a one sided relationship at times, me always trying to sort things out and I feel mentally drained. And he makes a joke out of us breaking up by laughing and waving bye! Fed up!

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 24/01/2022 16:54

He's happy to watch TV for the rest of his life!

There's a whole world out there, OP. x

CousinKrispy · 24/01/2022 17:02

It sounds like you're aware that you can't change him, OP. Only he can decide to make changes to how he behaves, and he sounds pretty set in his ways ... and at his age, I think it's unlikely.

Given that, what do you want to have happen? What is preventing you from leaving him?

Luckingfovely · 24/01/2022 17:04

Oh god, get rid of the mood hoover and start enjoying the rest of your life right away.

You're clearly not going to change him, but you can change the situation and your life - I'm excited for your future!

marymay62 · 24/01/2022 17:19

Questions I might ask of you in no particular order :

  1. has he always been like this? If not when did it change ?
  2. what are or were his interests ?
  3. could he be depressed ?
  4. is his work very boring ?
  5. is he willing to go for couples counselling
  6. does he love you ?

Questions I might ask of you

  1. do you love him?
  2. are you willing to go for couples counselling ?
  3. can you take a break away on your own - a day, a week, a year?
  4. what is stopping you doing the things you would love to do?
  5. are you prepared to be on your own?

Things I might say .....

  1. don’t wait for life to happen - it is happen ing now
  2. don’t wait for someone else to join you on adventures - do it on your own
  3. start with one thing you have always wanted to to do and is achievable right now .

This doesn’t sound like a relationship for life and if it’s been like this for so long then if it were me I would be making serious plans to disentangle myself from it and start a new life . Be prepared for the difficulties - think through how you would approach this with your children. If you are the one leaving for a new life consider how he might frame this in their eyes. Is he also emotionally distant with them? Is he close to either of them ?
Focus on your emotional needs I think - no one should stay in a loveless marriage
Good luck !

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