I have been thinking I need to break up with bf of 2+ years for some time now. I love him very much, he is my best friend and I really enjoy time with him. BUT his life seems completely stagnant, there's been no progression of our relationship, and it doesn't look like anything will change. I am 36, he is 35 and I have told him from the start I do want marriage, kids, house, before I am 38. He has always agreed and is happy to talk of a future as an abstract. However, he doesn't seem to have a concept of time and floats through life in a way I have never seen before.
As examples - he has always lived at home with his mum, but bought a flat 18 months ago and has still not moved in! Because he wanted to renovate it himself (but is doing the work VERY slowly), refuses to get professionals to help and keeps finding more and more excuses to drag on the work. It's not anywhere near complete. Even friends have offered to help speed it up, and he has refused. It's only a small 1 bed and no structural work involved.
His job - he is highly qualified and has been doing it for 7 years but at the lowest level. He took his promotion exams 5 years ago, did nothing with them, and there was one last chance to sit the promotion process last year before it expired. He has had support and encouragement from all his bosses for years to go for it, however he turned down lots of good projects that could have helped, and hardly did any prep, so failed the selection process. Now his exam has expired, and he's looking at 2 years minimum before he can try again. I just don't understand it - he scored so highly in the exams, did the senior role as a trial and enjoyed it/found it easy - yet made no effort to do the prep required. He says he just didn't want to get his hopes up... If he wasn't cut out for it I'd understand but his own bosses are feeling frustrated as they see it as a waste of his talent. And where we live is expensive so the additional money would come in really handy.
He is an objectively good looking man, yet takes no pride in his appearance. I never minded that he wore pretty much the same outfit every day (duplicates of the exact same thing) but he'd wear holes through them, big noticeable ones, it would get faded and shapeless and he'd still carry on wearing it! Even to work and date nights. Money is not an issue. Otherwise very clean and tidy, so this makes no sense to me. It would take a few mins to go online and just order something, but he won't bother.
He had a lot hobbies when younger but gave them all up to focus on work. Keeps talking of starting them again, but blames how busy work is. Yet cba to go for promotion as a reward for the sacrifices, so I am bemused about what his end goal in life is. It's like he just enjoys work for work sake, without any goal or objective behind it.
I have often asked him what he wants from life, what he'd like the next few years to look like. And he says he doesn't know. We have argued over the above topics many times. He'll tell me he understands and will change things, but nothing has changed in over 2 years. It's not COVID linked as this malaise existed before then as well. He won't ever talk to a therapist or take meds because he doesn't want his work finding out for some reason. I am now fed up of having to do all the thinking, planning, motivating, encouraging etc because it's making me feel like a parent. I have tried breaking up in the past but he promised he'd change - sort his life out, move out of home, figure out his career goals etc. But nothing changed.
Am I right in thinking something is not quite right with him, and he isn't now likely to change? And that the only way for me to move forward is break up?