How to manage access with abusive ex

[BelleBoyd]

My DCs father has just been released from remand for a violent crime. He has mental health and addiction issues. While he was on remand I had the prison block his calls as he was leaving me abusive messages and calling up to 6 times a day.
I don’t know what to do re access. My DCs have been missing him a lot and I think would benefit from seeing him. No family members will supervise visits. I don’t think he should take the kids anywhere alone. He’s staying with friends and the kids would probably want to do something active if seeing him park/swimming etc. I’m just so tired of being abused by him.
It’ll be phone calls, messages, changed arrangements and then I’ll have to be with them when he sees them and more manipulation and abuse.
How do people manage these situations?

"My DCs have been missing him a lot and I think would benefit from seeing him"

Why do you think this?. Is it because he is their dad?.

How old are they and have they actually said that they miss their dad?. He is no dad to them nor has been any sort of a partner to you. He is abusive towards you as their mother and therefore it would not benefit them to see him. Why would you take your children to see your (and in turn their) abuser?. If he wants to see them let him make all the effort to do so.

They’re young 12 and 8. Yes they’ve said they miss him, has been a lot of tears.
I won’t take them to see him but he will ask for access straight away. Only day visits as that’s all he’s ever managed anyway and only a few hours at most.
I think he has a legal right to see them?

Can you arrange for a friend to take the DC to an agreed drop off point and then pick them up again later? Friend might need to take a roundabout route back to yours (unless your DC's father knows where you live).

Contact centre?

I would ask a social worker for advice.
I assume someone has been in contact now that he’s released from prison.

I’ve thought about a contact centre maybe but do you have to pay for those? Am on a very low income and he pays no maintenance.
None of my friends would see him.
No social worker or anyone contacted me at all.

I would not hand my kids over to anyone who had just done time for a violent crime with addiction issues. And as a parent, I would be explaining to my children why I was taking the safeguarding measures I was. Because as the parent that is my responsibility. I would not be caving to an 8 and 12 year old crying.

I would contact social services and take it from there. I would be amazed if anyone expects you to hand your kids over without any safeguarding controls in place. The minimum I would consider as a first stage to restoring contact is supervised in a contact Center. And I would take it slowly from there.

Absolutely not. I have a violent abusive ex with addiction issues and over my dead body will he be having access of any kind. You need to put your children's safety first. Yes they might miss him, but it is important you do things in their best interests. If anything would happen during the access, they would likely take your children away as you haven't kept them safe.

I would contact social services and ask for their advice. They will be able to advise about a contact centre etc.

You don’t have to allow him to see them unless there’s a court order and to be honest if was abusive even whilst in prison it might be better to go down that road.

If he starts harassing you, threatening you or making you uncomfortable you should report him to the police. Is he on probation?

Encourage him to take you to court but as someone else said you need professional advice from social services and maybe the prison services (?) about his situation and risk.

Without a child arrangement order you risk a delay in getting the kids back if he doesn't return them. (I'm assuming the worst case scenario here where social services says it's ok for him to have contact with the kids)

He was on remand and has been released with bail conditions today. So not actually sentenced.I think there’s another hearing in July. I only have secondhand information from a friend of his.
I would not let him see the kids unsupervised. It just means I’d be the one supervising which is really difficult. As no one else would. Was thinking of doing this but it will be tough.

You need someone who can access details of what happened to assess things- especially as you know that violence was involved. I think social services is probably the best people to contact. That way you can prove it's about safeguarding the kids should you ex make any accusations of alienation.

I had a sorta similar situation with my ex- SS were a really big help and there's no way you should supervise or pay for the contact centre. That's on him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"My DCs have been missing him a lot and I think would benefit from seeing him"

Why do you think this?. Is it because he is their dad?.

How old are they and have they actually said that they miss their dad?. He is no dad to them nor has been any sort of a partner to you. He is abusive towards you as their mother and therefore it would not benefit them to see him. Why would you take your children to see your (and in turn their) abuser?. If he wants to see them let him make all the effort to do so.

AFAIK research says it is best that dc see biological father in this sort of situation, especially as they say they want to see him, as long a they can be kept safe while doing so, so that would be supervised as the OP says she is planning.