Just let me go

[Spangledbonbon]

Marriage has deteriorated over the past 2-3 years.

I've allowed myself to contort my life into all sorts of shapes to make things work. Bending over backwards, changing my personality, censoring my thoughts, opinions and natural reactions to things, leaving behind my job and moving across the country to support him in his. Watching him make decisions I don't agree with because when I express an opposing opinion I'm "trying to control him".

My trust has been obliterated. I don't mean infidelity, I mean the trust you have in your partner to make decisions with your best interests in mind, or to follow through on promises made.

We used to feel like a team, generous with our time, resources and joy.

Now I feel he is suspicious of me and protective of what's his lest me and my "practicality" try to ruin his fun.

I feel so trapped and I can't see a way out other than the very darkest options that cross my mind at 3am in the morning every night. I think about that more and more these days.

I'm in pain all the time. It's constant. He's also having a hard time of things for different reasons and I find myself being strong, upbeat, cheerful for him to try and support his MH. Like if I can fake it until I make it, perhaps I can be strong enough for the both of us and manage to pull us through this and out the other side to something better.

I love him and hate to see him unhappy. I feel so protective of him.

I don't know what I'm looking for. I just feel like this is going to kill me.

I just want things to work. I want my marriage to work.

And I'm trying so hard.

For goodness sake leave!! Essentially you say you have stopped being you in order to keep him happy. No wonder you're thinking "dark thoughts". Get out now before this goes too far.

Do you have DC together.

Never set fire to yourself
To keep someone else warm op

Sounds as though you love who he was / seemed to be. I don't think you love the current - real - him at all. Unless there is a temporary reason why he has changed, it is more likely that this is the real him, and that you are both unhappy. Because you are certainly both unhappy. You don't even like him any more, and you resent him. Quite possibly with very good reason. I wonder if there is much of a marriage to save tbh.

He sounds horrible. Google trauma bonding.

How easy would it be to just pack up and leave?

Just go. It's not worth the hassle. There are plenty of good men out there but you're wasting your life atm.

He sounds awful. Selfish, self-centred, controlling, manipulative, uncaring, disrespectful.

How much of his time do you think he spends worrying about you and your marriage? I suspect none. So why are you punishing yourself worrying about him and trying to make him happy?

A marriage can only succeed if BOTH people work at it. He isn't bothered. He thinks he's in charge, the important one, and you should serve him and follow his plans.

You would be much happier if you left. You deserve better.

@Guiltypleasures001

Never set fire to yourself To keep someone else warm op

That's a brilliant sentiment.

Why are you doing this to yourself?. He is patently not bothered about your efforts to keep this sinking ship afloat and you need to let go now before you are further dragged down by him.

Why can't you let go of this relationship?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your parents behave similarly and which one of them in turn taught you to be codependent?.

OP I could have wrote this.... It's very easy for others to stay leave or fix it but it's not that easy. I hope you find the answers you need

OP you are being abused, without you consciously knowing it.

I also think it's trauma bonding, as suggested by a PP.

You have been insidiously broken into pieces by his words and actions, yet it feels like he's the only one who can put you back together.

That's not love. That is coercive control.

I've been there!!! Leaving my exH was the hardest, but best thing I ever did.

You can do it. Please do it!